More

Yesterday was Little Bro's 14 month birthday. Overall, I am really proud of how we've handled the wait thus far (because as far as we are concerned, we've been waiting 4 months, not 2, thank you very much unhelpful state employee). Not just publicly, but truly, in our everyday lives. Appa and I find ourselves at the oddest times talking about Little Bro, wistful and bummed that it will be so much longer until he can come home, but honestly, I'm not falling apart over it. It is what it is. My mantra of patience is finally starting to work.

Now I am just selfish.

I have close to 50 unique pictures of my son and close to 15 minutes of video. That's more than I ever in my wildest dreams would have hoped for. It's a blessing, and I am trying really hard to remember that.

Because I want more.

Our agency recently stated that each child got pictures taken on their 1st birthday and that we could expect to get those within 6 weeks. At 8 weeks out, I started to feel cheated. You know, because it wasn't like personal friends of ours actually met with him on his birthday and took amazing pictures that grace frames all over our house and a video I watch nearly every day. Yet, I still have had the audacity this week to feel bad for myself that I didn't get any other pictures from the agency.

Some friends recently received pictures that the foster families had taken and brought in to be sent over. So me, of course, I start wanting this, too. Greedy, greedy me.

Little Bro isn't even going in for a check up again until next month, but already I can tell that I will be slightly on edge for weeks after in the hopes of getting new pictures. Pictures that may or may not come because we're saving our allotted update requests for the months closer to his arrival.

All I want is a picture of him in his "Little Brother" shirt.....okay, that's not all I want.

This is just pure greed on my part, and I know it. I can publish this entry and go spend a significant amount of time studying the many, many faces my adorable son has. In fact, I plan on doing just that. Many parents can't do that...get nothing during their wait. I know that if I don't see or hear another stitch of Little Bro until we meet face to face, I am still going to be considered abnormally lucky in all of this.

Which is why I try to keep this green-eyed monster under wraps.

But Little Bro, I want you to know that although I am trying to handle the long and arduous wait for you with grace I hope you are one day proud of, you're always on my mind and in my heart. My lack of whining is not because I don't care.

It's because I care way too much.