Unplugged

A major source of contention in my marriage is my "pluggedness." I use the internet to keep me company when my husband travels, connect and nourish friendships with people, write, and research things that are important to me.

Appa would prefer I did less of all that during our limited time together. Usually he has a point, and although he might not think so, I have been trying to be less plugged in when he is home.

This vacation I decided to try to unplug. Besides the occasional e-mail checking (I'm actually still waiting for an formal update on Little Bro--how greedy am I?), and one blog post that I had to get off my chest, I've been almost completely unplugged for 5 days.

And it was great....magical, even.

Appa and I fell asleep when our son did most nights. We watched fireworks from our hotel room and sports news. We chatted. We didn't read or get on the computer or do anything other than just stare at each other and laugh at our crazy child.

It was easy to get caught up in the family moments. Work and Facebook and blogs and e-mail (I had exactly 200 this morning when I checked) just didn't seem to hold a candle to spending time with my boys.

As happy as I am to be connected again, there is a part of me that wishes I could stay back behind those colorful gates that seem to keep the "real world" at bay while simultaneously reminding you what is truly, truly real in your life.

Family. Work. Sleep.

I've spent the last two weeks "hibernating."

In the last 7 days, I got promoted at work. Although this is a very cool thing, it also comes with a client and projects that need significant attention...like yesterday. I also flew across the country for a weekend. I hosted my family for a couple days and then turned around and started hosting my little sister. I attempted (and basically failed) to spend some quality time with my husband, as it has been nearly a month since we had a quality night to ourselves. I raised my kid and he's doing great.

So, by hibernating, I mean that I've drained my life down to the bare essential priorities lately.

Family. Work. Sleep.

I've barely uploaded (or taken) pictures of Little Bug this month. Blogging has been reduced to the barest minimum to preserve my family memories. Facebook is hit or miss. E-mail? What's that?

It's felt odd, but not nearly as odd as I expected it to feel. I don't FEEL disconnected or left out, I simply miss those people who I connect with through blogs and Facebook.

The people, not the medium.

The online community is here to stay in my life. I have made wonderful friendships and will continue to cultivate new ones that will enrich my life and my family's life. Am I going to throw that away? Not a chance. But, I've sort of enjoyed shutting the computer at night and curling up (in bed!) with a book. I've enjoyed turning away from my computer at work to proof a large project with only my iPod, and not Facebook notifications, as my companion. Yahoo? It's about to be a thing of the past.

I'm going to continue to find this balance that seems like it could really start working for me right now with some tweaking. Balancing what (or to be blunt, who and why) my online priorities with my basic life priorities.

Family. Work. Sleep.

Time Out

Last night I gave myself a time out.

By yesterday afternoon, my attitude had deteriorated to a pretty low level, primarily because of my heartbreak at having to remove my sad, but resigned, baby from the awesome bubble juggler presentation. I was supposed to go out for a mom's night, but my heart just wasn't into it. My house was a mess, my head was a mess, my husband's travel plans to come home were a mess. I was crying for no reason.

So I gave myself a time out. Little Bug went to play with his prearranged babysitter, and I went home and did some cleaning while watching a little of a favorite Kdrama. I had a drink. I took some time to use some of my anxiety and depression tools I learned from the Midwest Center to break down why my mood was plummeting, which then allowed me to start making some modifications issue by issue. In the span of 2 hours, I was feeling a little better about things.

I'm still swearing in my head, and clearly I am blogging instead of doing my work right now, but I'm working on it and don't feel quite as overwhelmed as I have the last 4 days. Weeks like this creep up on lots of people, I think. Most just don't have blournals where they word vomit about it.

If only time outs worked as well on my toddler as they do on me......

A Working Mama's Whine

What came first? The (working) mom or the messy house?

I'm really trying to find balance in my homemaking role, and it's hard. I work full time, and my son works his little diaper-clad butt off each day in school (he uses up SO much energy just doing daily things, let alone his multiple therapy sessions). When we get home, it's time for dinner and then a few hours of together time. For me, this time is best spent with my child because I don't see him during the day.

But I'm tired. He's tired. We both just want to hang.

Sure, we go to the park or take a bike ride. We play outside. We work on colors or shapes. At least once a week we head over to the botanical gardens or a much cooler park. But the honest truth is that my son really just wants my complete attention while he winds down. This can be while watching his music show or while he is playing with kitchen utensils or walking backwards a la Michael Jackson. But the key is that he wants my attention.

I know my 2.5 year old should be more independent than he is. He's not crippled by needing me, but he certainly is attention-spoiled and would like to keep it that way. I like spending time with him, I like being wanted and needed.

But I don't like the fact that I can't easily even think about fold a load of laundry or do the dishes or mop the floor until after 8:30 pm.

Because I'll be honest, after working all day and being a bit on the lazy side, at that point I am not feeling it.

Being a working mama is hard. Not to say being a stay at home mom isn't just as hard, but being a mother in general seems to be a challenging position. However, from my working mom position, I try to spend all the limited time I have with my boy doing things that will be good for him and good for us. I'm trying very hard to make our time together more and more substantial now that he is getting older and more aware. Appa travels during the week, so it's not like I can tag team with anyone. It's all up to moi.

Once he goes to bed, I want MY time. I need my time to stay sane. To surf the web and connect with friends, to write and read, to do adoption paperwork, to veg. The last thing I want to do with my time is clean late at night, so I usually don't.

But shocker, no one else does it for me.

Having a messy house does weird things to my head. In the summer we can get out in the evening so I can pretend there isn't a large family of dust bunnies living in our corners and something sticky underneath my table. We all have clean underwear somewhere....right?

I'm actually hiring someone to do some light cleaning for us a couple times a month, but I need to get better about figuring out a way to convince Little Bug to play nicely long enough for me to do some housekeeping things during a time when I am actually motivated to do so.

I don't want to be supermom (well, I actually would love that), but I do want to get better about balancing all the aspects of motherhood and homemaker that I have taken on in our home. My poor husband works his butt off, and I feel horrible when he comes home after a long week to loads of dirty laundry and dishes...even though his son and wife are happy. I'd like to feel a bit more balanced.

How? No idea. That's why this was a whine......

The One that Almost Got Away

Two years into our struggle with infertility, we found ourselves at a crossroad of sorts. Not a huge one, certainly by infertility standards, but we were beaten down and sad. Medications and side effects, more uncertainty, more morning temperature checks, more negative test lay ahead of us, and we knew it.

So Appa came home from work one day and made me a deal. If we didn't get pregnant within a year, he would take me back to our honeymoon resort in Jamaica. We would celebrate each other and our time as just a couple, because we both knew with conviction even then that we would one day have our lives turned upside down by a child.

A year past and we didn't get pregnant, but the following year we ended up spending a month in Hawaii, which made it impossible for us to take our special celebration trip. (I know, I KNOW; a month in Hawaii, what victims we were.) The following year we had to push off our celebration trip again; this time for a little jaunt over to Seoul, South Korea. Last year we chose to celebrate our family by sticking close together as a unit of three.

But for our anniversary last year Appa made it clear. 2010 was our year to celebrate, not just each other, but everything we've been through. The bad, the ugly, and all the REALLY good. We were booking this trip, damn it.

So we did, and soon we will be laying in the sun on the same beach we laid on 7 years ago as we sipped "dirty bananas" and imagined what our lives would be like 5 years from then.

I have to say: our visions for our 5-year plan didn't quite look like our reality now, but our reality now is so. much. better. than anything we had dreamed up.

So this time we'll lay on that beach and sip "dirty bananas" and imagine our future 5 years from now. We'll raise a mini-umbrella-embellished toast to the most perfect little boy back home being spoiled rotten by his doting grandparents and the sweet little boy back in Korea being spoiled rotten by his doting foster family.

We'll feel bad for being selfish and miss Little Bug acutely, but we won't forget the purpose of this trip: to celebrate us as a couple, not just as an omma and appa. I'm really looking forward to long serious talks with my partner and silly water antics with my best friend. I'm looking forward to returning home to hold my baby in my arms rejuvenated in mind, body, and marriage....and for the positive impact that will have on our home and on the decisions that will be weighing hard on our hearts.

Honestly, the timing of this trip, almost down to the day, is nothing short of miraculous. We need this. I need this. Right. Now.

I'm scared out of my mind to leave my baby behind, but that is for a different blournal entry. Instead I'll end with a different sort of confession.

I'm really looking forward to the "dirty bananas." Not gonna lie.

This Mama Needs A Hobby

It has become apparent to me recently that I need a hobby…preferably a constructive one that does not involve the computer (or any of the tracking lists, blogs, bulletin boards, online groups, etc. that come with it).

The problem is I am essentially a bookish sort of girl who is happiest curled up with a book or my computer. Sure, I love to go out and be active, explore things, etc., but those really aren't things I can translate into a daily hobby I can use to take my mind off of what is looking to be an emotionally draining couple of months where I will need to be keeping busy and sane.

I enlisted my BFF Ali(ce)'s help in coming up with a hobby for me. She knows me really well (partly because she is like 85% the same person). Her response, "This is a little tricky since we are not super crafty people." She's right; I have no patience for anything creative (other than Blurb, which is off limits as it is a computer-related hobby). This means things like sewing, kitting, scrapbooking, quilting, and anything else like that is off the table.

I considered exploring cooking, but the reality of my working mom status is that cooking a creative or fun meal is just not really a daily option. I considered redecorating my house, but the only room I really need to redecorate is Little Bug's new room, and I'll be honest, that's not where my head needs to be right now. Plus, any other room would just be me spending money on more decorations. I don't think Appa would really get behind that sort of hobby. I don't draw, or paint, or even have an idea how to repurpose things for artistic purposes.

We finally came up with something that would be useful and something I could be successful with some time and effort.

I'm going to landscape our yard.

For me, this will be a major undertaking. I hate to garden. Hate it. The previous owners planted all these fancy flowers and plants that bloom throughout the year and I hate them because the way they are planted leaves room for tons of weeds (not to mention I think some of them look like weeds). I like boring, traditional, symmetrical looking landscaping…they liked cracked-out abstract not-sure-if-that-was-an-accident-or-not landscaping. It's going to be a challenge, and that is exactly what I need.

My plan of attack is to spend time right now researching how to garden, what types of plants and flowers and planters I would like to use, and planning out my planting. Once it gets warmer and lighter, I will be able to work on this project after Little Bug goes down for bed.

I'll need to get an outdoor wine glass...

So, if anyone has tips on gardening, ripping out expensive flowers, various types of low-maintenance plants and ground cover, send them my way.

Operation
Exchange Vegetation And Negativity
has officially began.

Why I am Obsessed With LMH and Other Justifications

In the last month I have found myself harboring a bit of an obsession with Korean dramas. On the expert recommendation of another adoptive mama, I started watching a very popular drama (subtitled, of course) and 25 hours over the span of 4 sick days later, I was hooked. I'm almost finished with my second one, have a list of dramas to chose from next, and am anxiously waiting (along with the rest of Korea) a new drama that will premiere next week....no idea when it will actually get subbed and put online for me though.

Appa thinks, among other things, that I am being a "poser;" essentially trying to like something Korean for the sake of it being Korean.

That is both true and untrue.

I've always loved foreign films; I own subtitled movies in Spanish and French. So in that respect, no, it's not out of the norm for me to enjoy this sort of thing.

However, would I have sought out dramas from other cultures on a whim in the first place? Probably not. I've got plenty of the OTH and LU and GG here to keep me entertained. I sought out Korean dramas because my son was born in Korea, and the dramas are a great way to see the minutia of his birth culture; the food, the slang, the way they hang out, the family dynamics. (Although I do understand that most families dynamics do not consist of ultra wealthy families with villainous mothers and sons who wear fur-trimmed trench coats and zip off for vacations on private jets with their perfectly permed hair, which is sort of a shame.)

The thing is, I might have sought the first one out because it was Korean, but now I am hooked because they are entertaining. I like hearing Korean and seeing all the different cultural nuances, but most importantly, I like the stories. Just like my American dramas, I am hooked on the characters and the plot. The way they use the lid of the pot to eat ramen or yelling "fighting" with fists raised when they are pumping someone up is not what keeps me up until the wee hours of the morning watching.....

As I watch more and more dramas, I'm starting to get to know some of the actors and actresses. I'm fans of some (like LMH) and not fans of others. I read some recap blogs that inadvertently provide valuable insight into what is reality and what is pretty outlandish and overdone in the dramas. I'm getting to know the different types of Korean shows and how they are cast, filmed, and viewed. It's opened up another facet of Korean culture I might never have known about.

How will this help my son? Oh, it probably won't. When Little Bug starts to learn about Korean culture, we probably won't lead with the shooting schedule of a 25 episode Korean drama.

This is all for me, and I won't even attempt to pretend this is for my son or for my exploration of Korean culture anymore. I'm just a fan girl who gets some side benefits out of her newest guilty pleasure.

But if Little Bug ever wants a hair style suggestion, I'm one click away from providing him with a most excellent and swoon-worthy hair style that looks great on a Korean man.....

Here Baby Baby

I've been in a funk the last few days, and I finally figured out why.

I miss my baby.

Although I am not broadcasting this far and wide, this blog is technically anonymous and Appa alluded to it on our family blog, so I don't mind saying that I happen to be alone this week. Appa had some time off so he took Little Bug to visit with some extended family in another state. I'm very happy for them, and they seem to be having a nice time.

They've been gone since Sunday morning and won't be back for a few more days…shattering my previous 48-hours-without-Little Bug record. I was actually really looking forward to some "me time," and I am working on a home project that would be exceptionally hard to do with Little Bug home and in need of "Mama time." I've been staying up late to watch movies and read and not eating my veggies and might even jump on my bed later. It's been great.

Yet, I ache to see my baby. I'm watching old videos on my blog just to hear his voice, staring at pictures to enjoy his smile, and generally mopping around like someone just took my favorite shiny toy. I can't focus as well at work because I am constantly e-mailing Appa to get the play-by-play of Little Bug's day. Appa posted a little video last night, which I have watched more times than anyone should watch a blog video (and have a new mantra, "Pull UP his pants!").

This isn't just a matter of missing Little Bug. I miss new episodes of The OC and Nerd Blizzards at Dairy Queen.

No, I don't just miss my child, I crave him, and I cannot wait until he is home.

Don't Mess With Mama

I'm sitting in a great hotel room in Don't-Mess-With-Me-Texas right now.

Appa and Little Bug are not.

This is my first multi-night (fine, just two) business trip since Little Bug came home. I've never gone a full day without seeing my son. I thought I would be fine, since I do enjoy "me time," but instead I cried my little eyes out the entire way to my airport.

Little Bug gave me some great smiles and then promptly pushed me away when I tried to smoother him with kisses. Of course, that made me cry more.

I'm apparently that mama.

I've called more times than I should have in the 8 hours I have been away, and I am sure I will call plenty more times. I miss my boys...there is no two ways around it.

Two Steps Back, Five Steps Forward

Last night I needed a break. Little Bug was in a particularly challenging mood (not the first time this week), and honestly, I just needed a little break. When Appa got home from work he took Little Bug downstairs, and they happily played together for half an hour. It gave me time to recharge.

I feel guilty when I hand Little Bug off and walk away, but I think everyone needs some mental health time. Children are so much work and sometimes even the best of us (of which I am not) need to take a couple steps back and regroup sometimes. It makes us better parents when we can be with our children with the right frame of mind.

So even though I took a couple steps back last night, I was certainly ready to take five more steps forward, cuddle my little son in my arms, and rock him to sleep.

One of the things I like about motherhood is how challenging and draining it can be (well, I don't love that part always), but I love how no matter how bad it gets, the smallest things make it all worth it.

Little Bug snores. How cute is that?!?

All We Are, We Are

Tonight I went to a Matt Nathanson concert with two of my very good friends (I'm a HUGE fan of Matt Nathanson and of my friends, so I have been anticipating this for a while now). The three of us left our husbands and kids home and made a night of it....a front-and-center-in-front-of-the-stage night of it.

It's funny, in those moments I feel so much like "me." I'm the fan who loves the music, who will camp out in line and run to the venue to get the best seat (truly, I r-a-n), but I'm also the one who was watching out for these two young girls who were getting pushing out of their rightful view, I'm the one checking my phone every so often to see if my babysitter had called, and I'm the one who was missing her kid and husband during "All We Are, We Are."

It's nice to see my lives blending into each other more now. I feel so much less of two halves balancing against each other and more like two halves blending into one "able-to-navigate-the-mom-with-the-me whole."

And the concert--OH, it was A-MAZ-ING.

Hella Good

Tonight was a "me" night. I went out with some girlfriend to an amazing concert (Paramore/No Doubt, in case you were wondering).

Going out with friends without Appa and Little Bug is good for me. I rarely feel guilty about it...probably because I don't do it much anymore. For a while after Little Bug came home I think I did it as an escape from the post adoption blues I was feeling, and that didn't serve any of us well.

But now--well, I'm feeling "hella good" lately. Despite the teething misery and Appa's long work hours, I'm getting into a good place as a mother and find myself missing my husband and son when I am away from them, instead of feeling "free."

Things can be broken down
In this world of ours
You don't have to be a famous person
Just to make your mark
A mother can be an inspiration
To her little son
Change his thoughts, his mind, his life,
Just with her gentle hum
"Different People"--No Doubt