5

Five.  It seems like such a big number, a milestone.  Yet 5 years has flown by in what seems like the blink of an eye.

Five years ago I became a mother.

Five years ago I woke up and ate breakfast slowly.  I did my hair and makeup in peace.  I laid down for a nap.  I rushed up and down escalators and from store to store searching for a little orange doll.  Five years ago I swore out loud whenever I wanted to. Five years ago my responsibilities stopped at me.

Five years ago someone handed me a baby.  It's all a haze of tears and watery smiles and then lots of real tears.  I remember everything about the back alleyway where a small child's life was literally placed in my arms for good.  I remember it hitting me sometime that evening that we were now parents.  Real parents.  The reality of the responsibility of parenthood is overwhelming to consider.

I remember singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" for 30 minutes straight while wearing a rut into the carpet in our hotel.  I remember falling so deeply in love that night with the father my husband instantly became.  I remember sleeping with my hand through the crib bars...just to be able to touch my child all night long.

There are many moments in my life that have defined me, but none so drastically, completely, and instantaneously as that day 5 years ago when I became someone's mom.

And not just a mom, but Little Bug's mom.  A title I am proud and honored and so, so, so grateful to wear.

Birthday Boy

Dear Little Moon,

Happy 3rd birthday, my sweet son.  I wish we could have been with you on your special day, but I know you spent it with the people who love you and who you consider your family.  All I wish for you is a day where you feel extra special and can enjoy all the things and people you love most.

Little Moon, I've been overly lucky to only miss one of your brothers' birthdays, but with you, I've missed three.  Your first two were before I really knew you, so this one if the first where I have actively missed you.

We had honestly always expected you to be 3 when we could bring you home, but I have been surprised at how sad missing every day of your second year has made me.  Turning 3 seems SO big boy. I can't wait to get to know this 3-year-old you and celebrate next year with you.

I've never been outwardly emotional about this kind of thing. I don't plan and throw parties or spent the day weeping.  But yesterday, as the clock ticked down the minutes until it was Midnight in Seoul, I wept alone in our hotel room.  I tried to channel all my love and energy into celebrating you.  I sat alone in our hotel room and kept vigil over the clock as your last moments of 2 wound down.  I wept a bit as I watched the clock turnover to Sept 2 in Seoul, and I wished you a happy birthday and rejoiced for you being in the world.

We celebrated a day early here, something we don't normally do.  But I really wanted to be "with" you on your birthday and celebrating with you in real time, so we celebrated while you would have been celebrating in Korea.  It was just the smallest of things we could do to feel closer to you.

The time is coming soon, sweet Little Moon, when we will be able to celebrate all the many coming birthdays with you.  I love you, and I can't wait.