Tonight Appa and I took Little Bug to our local neighborhood park. Little Bug inevitably veered toward the sand area where two little girls were playing. After dumping sand on himself for a while, he noticed one of the girls, who I assumed was Korean and about 10 years old, was making mud with water from an old bubble container.
He went into the zone, chanting "bubbas, babbas, bubbas" as he went in for the steal. Me, being the responsible mama that I am, cut him off at the pass and tried to modify his plans to simply saying "hello."
The girl was sweet, but the following conversation threw me for a mini loop.
Her: "Is he Korean?"
Me: "Yes, he was born in Korea."
Her: "He must be stupid."
Me: "What?"
Her: "He must be stupid."
Me: "What? No, he's smart."
Her: "Stupid. 'Bubba' is Korean for stupid."
Me: "Oh, no. He doesn't know that Korean word....he wants your bubbles."
At this point, I am feeling a bit silly. Clearly I misheard her. I also deep down wish that I had known enough Korean to know what that word sounded like to her.
Her (contemplative, as if I have somehow confirmed something for her): "Are you his mom?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Oh....you don't look like him."
Me: "No, I don't. We adopted him from Korea."
Side note: I think it is silly when parents take offense to this question and having to say the word "adoption." Adoption isn't a four-letter word. I'm proud of it, and if asked in a respectful way, I have no problem confirming what is clearly obvious.
Her: "Was he abandoned?"
Whoa. I was not expecting the conversation to go there with this little girl. I consider myself pretty cool under pressure when I get probing or intrusive comments from adults, but looking at this young girl, with nothing but childlike curiosity in her question, I was left tongue-tied. I wanted so much to say something I would be proud for Little Bug to hear, even if he is too young now to understand my words and their implications. I saw no reason to brush this little girl off as I delicately answered the question.
Me: "No. His birth mom just could not take care of a baby. So we adopted him and are his mommy and daddy."
Her: "Why couldn't she take care of him? Did she not have enough money?"
Seriously, who is teaching this young lady critical thinking? If this was an adult who was still needling me, I would finally be telling her to politely shove it, but I couldn't do that to this young lady. How to explain the injustice of adoption while protecting my son's privacy while using age and socially appropriate words for a 10-year-old stranger making mud patties in the bocce ball court?
Me: "She just could not take care of a baby. So we are taking care of him now and are his parents. We love him very much."
With that, she simply nodded and unceremoniously got up and went to fill her bubble container with more water, and Little Bug wandered off to the swings.
And I'm left now mulling it over.
Because I have been preparing for years for these questions. I've fielded tons of them, quite literally from the moment we stepped on our front porch with Little Bug in our arms. I've defended and deflected and shared. And it always works out because ultimately, people know when to back off, and if they don't, I can write them off. Adults see and accept shades of gray in the world.
But children, their honesty and black and white lenses they view the world with is what Little Bug will face. The "why" is hard for me to answer....how will I even prepare him to answer it for himself when I'm not in the bocce ball court with him? When he hasn't had years to practice and can't even spell the words he's expected to say.
Maybe that's not even what has my heart constricting tonight. I feel like I can prepare him to the best of my ability. What I really am sad about is that ultimately, his own childlike curiosity won't be satisfied either. There is no answer good enough. I know how that lack of answer made me feel tonight, so I can't begin to imagine how it will one day make him feel.
When his heart is also asking "why?"
Whenever I hear these interactions, I always role-play and wonder how I would handle them. You handled this beautifully, I spoke your responses out loud.
ReplyDeleteThe question of "why" I've also answered in my role playing, but as you put it so well, I also worry that it will leave a feeling of unsatisfaction for my son.
I have been dreading the day a child asks me about Gabe, for all the reasons you listed. For the record, I think you handled it perfectly. I think answering honestly and reiterating that you love him and are his parents are really what the 'take away' should be..and you did that.
ReplyDeleteAmen sister for the 'adoption' is not a dirty word. When Gabe first came home, I told everyone he was adopted from Korea before they could even ask cuz I was so proud!
Oh and I know what you mean about knowing the 'bubba' word. But you can give yourself a break, omma :)
Wow. Deep thoughts. I have no idea how I'd handle that. Really feels different when it comes from an innocent child, doesn't it? No agenda - just pure curiosity. I need to start thinking about how to answer these things ....
ReplyDeletei think i am more aware of the curiosity of other kids and the questions they ask then i am of adults. when we are at the park and other kids start talking to us, i can feel my chest start to tighten. they don't have a filter yet as to what is appropriate to ask and not to ask. that's not a bad thing - just how it is. it doesn't make answering the questions easier - i think it makes it more difficult. it sounds like you did a great job talking to her, though.
ReplyDeletei know the day will come when our kids will really start to understand and have their own sets of questions. i hope that C is proud of his heritage and his story and i want to cultivate that in him now. i think not being able to answer every single question that our children have will be hard. another reason i'm glad we're friends and that we can have many future wine nights figuring all this stuff out :).
Wow. I know what you mean. At some point, your answers can satisfy a stranger....or you give them a look that let's them know it's time to back off. But our kids? Are there any words that are ever going to be able to answer that huge question....why?
ReplyDeleteSo very well said... both here, and there. Good job Omma!
ReplyDelete(I would not have been that cool, I don't think.)
We're the same way with the word "adoption" as well. It's a part of our everyday language around here...
Thank you for writing about this. I have thought about the questions Baby V will have and how to answer them, and how to address his adoption with other adults, but I hadn't yet considered what other kids might ask.
ReplyDeleteI felt a pit in my stomach as I read that conversation. You handled it perfectly!! I really need to start preparing myself for X's questions. I might be calling you when that happens.
ReplyDeleteWe say the word "adoption" proudly too :)