The Rambles of a Sleep-Deprived Mama

I've been having a hard time focusing lately. I kept wanting to blournal this or that, but when I actually attempt to write it out, nothing comes.

So here are some rambles of late that don't really warrant a single post, but are still things that hit me as "get this down; get this down!"

Daily life is mundane, but that can be okay. Routine is boring, but it's also incredibly comforting. I was thinking back to the first few days with Little Bug and how hopped up on adrenaline we were. He was finally here! We were finally parents! OMG, he just did this; he just did that! Thousands of days later, that adrenaline is replaced with this deep, calm satisfaction that although every day might not be this life-changing, heart-pounding collection of moments, each day is filled with the little moments that make life wonderful and the promise of thousands and thousands more of days just like it. I'm looking forward to that, to continuing to share the little moments with Little Bug. Putting him to bed next week, next month, 5 years from now. That sort of life stretched out before me is exciting to think about.

I have been working on a long overdue Blurb book of our blog posts from Korea. This book is dedicated to Little Bug and includes blog comments, personal e-mails, private pictures, and additional commentary that we have not shared publicly. It's a book chronicling our trip, but from an emotional standpoint, as well as educational and factual perspective. Going through the thousands of pictures and video brought back a lot of emotions for me. I so sincerely hope Appa and I can do our jobs right and Little Bug will grow up proud of that period in his life, proud of his Korean heritage, proud of his birth family and foster family, and proud of us. I want him to love Korea like I do…actually, I want him to love it even more.

The terrible twos are terrible. I hate when people tell me three is worse than two. Please stop saying that to this mama. How many earth-shattering meltdowns can one child have when being denied a romp outside in the rain in the dark at bedtime? I guess it is my fault; he does get his coat and our keys and wait expectantly at the door for 30 seconds. We are warned.

I need to start taking pictures again. I've been so remiss, which is unlike me. I think the combination of Little Bug's illnesses and attitude and my illness and lack of energy have taken a toll, and the mama photography has been cast aside. I'll regret anything less that 75 pictures this month; I know I will. I'm currently at 6 pictures, all from one zoo outing. Getcha going, mama.

Speaking of my camera, it's sitting on the charger, completely charged with a blank memory card. Waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring with Little Bro's referral and the hour long meeting I plan to tape, just as I did with Little Bug. I see it each morning, and it taunts me. I'm doing it to myself.

The wait is getting harder. We "truly" waited only 2 weeks for Little Bug's referral, so this type of waiting is foreign to me. I'm stalking almost hourly our agency's tracking list (which has not been updated in 13 days) to see if a referral has come in to bump us up. There's added pressure now for us to get a referral soon, where I used to feel much more at peace with "whenever it happens, it happens." It's more of a struggle for me to center myself there now.

I'm lucky to have such great friends. From my BFF who is just my rock in all things me to my random friends who drop me e-mails just to check up on the "super virus" to my adoption buddies turned GNO buddies and Faceb**k gossiping buddies, my adult personal life is at a very good place right now.

Just checked the agency tracking list again; no change. I'm not joking either.

My illness made me lose 14 pounds recently. These were pounds I easily had room to lose, but I am loving the way my body felt with them gone. It's been a week holding at the new weight, and although I want to lose more (only in a healthier manner), I'm starting to get used to the new feel of my body and forget that pleasurable constant reminder that it's nice to not weigh more. I need to try to hold on to that feeling as a motivator to continue to make healthier choices.

Diet Dr. Pepper is back in my life, courtesy of a well-meaning Appa who bought me home a 36 pack to celebrate me kicking the habit. Yeah, THAT makes sense. Add in total sleep deprivation, and I am knocking back one a morning now. Does it count for something if I feel guilty about it every time?

Finally, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to drag out the learning centers and big guns in the evening to entertain my kid. He seems most content to just hang out with us, often sitting next to us cuddling while reading books or listening to music. This lack of physical activity for our family in the evenings used to worry me, but now I realize that just like I am tired and wanting to decompress from a long day at work, so does my kid. There is no better way to do that than together.