Bravery

Ever since I became a mother, I've found myself changing and growing in significant ways. Among many changes, I've found myself becoming more brave. Not brave as in jumping out of a plane (which I would do, but only because I hate planes and would be more afraid to stay inside one), but brave emotionally. Having someone's health, happiness, safety, emotional wellbeing, and morality entrusted to little 'ole you makes someone shape up…fast. In the 18+ months Little Bug has been in our home, I've found myself becoming more and more brave with my emotions and dreams. Things that seemed out of the realm of possibility a few years back seem almost normal now.

That's a good thing.

This subtle bravery has helped me in my career. I'm going for things now, more than ever. I'm seeking new knowledge and skills and am not afraid to stand up for myself. Doors are opening and I'm walking through confident that I will have the support at home and at work.

Even more important, I'm becoming braver with my emotions. I'm opening myself up to sometimes scary or uncertain possibilities in the hope of something truly great. If I had been told 2 years ago that I would be the mother of a child with special needs, I would have been terrified…seriously crippled with fear and doubt. Now, I'm not only confident in my ability to parent and advocate for my child, but can see Appa and I maybe doing it again. Every kid is different, so it's much more about being brave enough to face a new unknown than it is an inner confidence. Heck, weeks after Little Bug came home, I wasn't sure I could be a mother, period. Now my mind is filled with thoughts of two or three kids filling my home. Emotionally, I am shocked at how brave I feel now when faced with the need to trust things and processes out of my control. It's pretty empowering to be able to talk yourself off that cliff of anxiety.

Speaking of two or three kids or children with special needs or trusting a process that has no defined end, bravery is the ability to be scared out of your freaking mind and still press forward with the things that you know in your heart, if not your mind, are right. Bravery is opening yourself up to being hurt and disappointed. Bravery is following your gut when you have no other reason. Bravery is readjusting expectations and plans and letting go. Bravery is holding on when you don't want to. Bravery is patience.

Life is exhilarating when lived bravely.