Tap, tap, tap

This is going to sound insane, especially in light of my post a few days ago, but it's funny how life changes.

And my sneaky gut, well, she and I need to have a little talk about consistency and timing. A few days ago we made the decision to go on hold for our second adoption. It wasn't like we were backing out, but the decision affected me very much, so much more than I had expected it to. I was so sure that we were doing the right thing, and yet, I was still very uneasy about the situation. Sneaky, sneaky gut.

My friend JoJo talks a lot about shoulder taps; those little moments that whisper "this was meant to be" or "you are on the right track." Our family's first adoption journey was more like a series of shoulder pounds or face slaps or body slams, but most were only evident after the fact and delightfully ironic.

The last two days, however, I've been getting those little taps. Who knew my gut had hands?

We went on hold primarily because we were concerned about Little Bug's development, specifically walking. So we went on hold.

A few days later, he starts walking. Tap, tap, tap.

We went on hold because I worried about having two little babies on my own while Appa traveled weekly.

This week he heard that his travel might be limited for the foreseeable future, allowing him to be home for some of the crucial evening hours. Tap, tap, tap.

Today we heard about even more referrals coming in from our agency, so many in fact that our social worker contacted us to let us know we were getting up on the list. And Appa, who has been always very vocal about waiting, suddenly went "well, maybe……" Tap, tap, tap.

So I mulled it over. Was I ready? Was my family ready? Is the anxiety I am feeling because I am thinking about getting a referral, or is it due to thinking about NOT getting a referral? Is Little Bro already out there?

The answer that we came to after prayer and some deep conversations about our gut feelings is, yes, we believe he is. So, as of today, we are off hold.

I know. I KNOW. Crazy. I'm getting whiplash just thinking about it.

Suddenly I started thinking about where I would put Little Bro, how we would have to rearrange our home, our lives. REALLY thinking about it as a possibility instead of some abstract thing like vacation or new piece of furniture.

And it feels right. Really right, actually.

This isn’t to say that we are ready for a referral right now. I don't believe we are. But, I do believe we will be ready when the time is right, and it feels right to trust that process. It might be January when we get Little Bro's referral, and it might be April or May. Either way, it will be right.

Today I am at peace more than I have been in a long while. Glad to have you back, gut. I've missed you.

PS--I want to thank those of you who are reading this and apologize for the swing in emotions lately. It's been an emotional period of time for me, and I think I am just now figuring out why. So, thanks for understanding that my blournal entries come from emotions that I am working out or documenting. I think someday it will be interesting for me to look back and see how my family was changed in just one week's worth of decisions and events. Just probably not on a day when I am changing two-humans' worth of diapers.