Not a shining moment

Yesterday I had one of the worst motherhood moments I have ever experienced (relatively speaking).

Saturday night I got a massive migraine. Truly horrible. I was asleep by 8:45 pm and when I was woken up by Little Bug at 7 am the next morning (a small miracle in itself), the headache had only gotten worse. Not good.

After some rolling around and playing in bed, Appa got up to make Little Bug breakfast while Little Bug "laid" in bed with me. The laying in bed actually consisted of him standing up over and over on the bed, attempting to throwing himself off the side, and trying to climb up into window. So, I sat up begrudgingly and pulled him into a cuddle.

Little Bug didn't like this. So he leaned forward and then threw himself back into my face in an epic head butt that knocked the wind out of me and left me wondering if all my teeth were still in place.

It also threw my headache into overdrive, and honestly, I started seeing red. (It's an interesting thing that I only thought was an expression, but it honestly looked a bit red to me in those moments.)

I remember just feeling a fury unlike anything I have experienced in a long time. My head was killing me and this head butting and hitting is something we have been battling for the last few weeks (another post). There was this split moment where I just wanted to punish Little Bug for hurting me, for doing something "intentionally" to hurt me....

This is the moment I am not proud of. I think, looking back, that I can see how people abuse their kids. Not actually see, but I think I hit that moment where your true colors come out. That moment where you are nearly unhinged (mine was due to blinding pain and frustration), perhaps if I was a little less of a good person, I would have slapped Little Bug, or even something worse.

Thank God, I am not.

So, this was all the span of a second or two. What I actually did was say "No" in a very loud voice, haul Little Bug up out of bed, and sit him in time out for 30 seconds. He was fighting it and flailing and trying to head butt some more, and in those 30 seconds I really did lose it. I was crying so hard I couldn't even count.

After 30 seconds, I was so upset with myself over how I was feeling that I picked Little Bug up and held him away from my body so he wouldn't see me crying and practically stumbled to find Appa to make him take the baby from me. Appa was, understandably, very concerned to see his hysterically sobbing wife holding a furiously sobbing toddler. He grabbed him from me, and I immediately went into the bathroom and threw up a couple times.

Lovely way to start a Sunday morning.

Here is the thing I was thinking about as I spent the following 15 minutes sitting on the floor of my bathroom. My mom once told me a story about how she got so angry at my sister and me she called my grandma to come get us, and she locked herself in her room and cried. I've never understood that story...until now. Mamas are only human, and it really sucks when the people you love most in your life test you, hurt you, push you to your breaking point, but those little people are actually just little kids who don't know any better.

So, is locking myself in the bathroom and crying my eyes out the proper response to a head butt? No. But in a perfect storm of a situation, it was the best I could do.

Little Bug was safe and loved and got a proper consequence. The lessons he learned (as much as a 2-year-old can learn) are constructive ones. I was able to give myself the time and space needed to compose back into the mama Little Bug needs and deserves. When I came out of that bathroom, I was back to my normal self (only with a horrible, horrible migraine).

Not a shining moment in my motherhood career, but a good learning experience.

And my headache is finally gone.