My Webafesto

Disclaimer: If you are reading this, there is a 99.99999% chance that I am not talking about you. I'm nervous about posting it, but it's is where my head is at this morning.

Sometimes you have to clean out your closet, or your fridge, or your car, etc., and get all the old, stale, nasty stuff you don't use and don't need out of your daily life.

Lately I have been doing that with less tangible things (and not just because I hate cleaning my car and am avoiding it). The internet is an amazing thing and connects me to people and things and ideas in ways that have enriched my life. When I moved to a new state 2 years ago and was searching for a job and adjusting to my husband's new job demands, an internet book club provided me with my only outlet for making friends. Some of those friends transcended from "internet friends" to "local [insert book club name here] friends" and a smaller portion became just "dear friends" who are in my life and the lives of my husband and son (the ultimate mark of acceptance from me) for multiple reasons.

By that same token, I have spent the last year splashing around in the world of adoption blogs and boards and listserves. Again, I've made "adoption bloggy friend," some of who transitioned into "local adoption friends," and some who have even just become "friends who happen to have/are also adopted from Korea." More and more of the people I met in the adoption community are becoming wonderful friends for my family, and I love that.

I treasure all these "adoption" friendships, both the ones that I might never get to meet in real life and the ones who I meet for tea or zoo trips or a burger and apple cider ale. The support and friendship and fellowship and advice and commiseration and fan-girling is all things that make me smile and bring joy to my life. That is a good thing.

However, like that sweater you bought on clearance last summer that is taking up prime space in your closet, even though you know you will NEVER wear it again, some things in the Internet worlds I spent time in are probably outstaying their welcome and need to go.

I started by almost completely removing myself from my book club "fandom," which was taking up time in my life that I could have and should have devoted to my family. I'd made my friends and had my fun, but I was no longer getting anything of real value from the time I was devoting to those other "relationships." It hurt some people who I had chatted with online, but ultimately, those not-in-real-life relationships are meaningless compared to my real-life relationships and there are just so many hours in the day. My family and I have all benefited from this break, and those who were true friends still call me up to chat about life…not just a book series. That is real.

The issue of the Internet adoption community is a different beast and one that I am having a harder time with. I love checking blogs, and I love writing blogs, and I love chatting with other adoptive moms who I have connected with one way or the other. Unlike my above mentioned relationships, I see long-lasting value in cultivating relationships with people that I might never actually meet because the support I will need as my child grows is something only these other women can provide. So in that respect, I'm happy with my "friends" and always looking for more.

HOWEVER, I've found there are some other areas of the adoption community that are no longer for me, specifically the boards. Now, I am not judging anyone, and honestly right now, there are a lot of weird and heartbreaking and frustrating things going on in an otherwise very stable program and specifically with people who I "know" (and this is NOT directed at them, for those of you who also "know" them), but I just can't do it anymore with those nameless, faceless people.

The complaining about timeframes, the bickering about circumsion or cosleeping or baby carriers or guest house versus hotel or travel versus escorting, the minutia of the I-[insert any number of numeric combinations], VI, P3, EP and the fever pitched highs and lows that come with those daily check-up calls, and the refusal of people to accept that all adoptions are not created equal and cannot be compared apples and apples, agency to agency, Lillipie ticker to Lillipie ticker is exhausting to me.

I'm not saying people shouldn't complain, only that they should reserve their complaining for the things that really deserve to be complained about. Some people have some really legitimate sucky things happening to their adoptions right now, and I completely sympathize and understand their need to reach out for support and welcome that. But the "OMG it's been 4 weeks since whatever, and I just cannot wait anymore (even though their agency told them it would be this long or longer)" or "I wasn't informed by my SW of so and so (even though there is NO reason your SW would call you out of the blue to tell you about something that doesn't immediately affect you)" or whatever angers me. It's negativity that breeds negativity because everyone rushes to "support" by affirming the injustice of it all and how awful it is.

That's not support; that is mass hysterics and doesn't do anyone any good. Certainly not our children, the agencies, or our hearts. Especially our hearts. Yet, somehow I continue to get sucked into it. I read the threads, I read the blogs, I read the messages. I occasionally try to respond in a supportive but level-headed manner, but find that I tend to look heartless. My outlook on the adoption process (i.e., I'm not OWED anything or any specific time frame and the only thing that is constant about adoption is that you should expected the unexpected, but that at the end of it, you WILL have your child) works for me, but not for everyone and some people have or are having very different experiences than mine that I might not understand, and I need to accept that.

So I have.

I've stopped going to the most boards I find to be filled with the most mass hysteria and rumors. I have started to hold my tongue on a listserv that is home to people who I actually care about on a personal level when things get a little heated and unkind there, and I have stopped following some blogs that are filled with negativity or views on parenting/life that don't add anything of value to my own. I casually skim some of the more aggravating list serves instead of reading the actual comments and taking the time to respond.

Support for those who are in true crisis and who need prayers and good thoughts is something I will always have, but I'm honestly all our of support for the people who want to complain and stir up trouble and gossip just for something to do or because they are having a bad week. It might be selfish or egotistical of me, but the negativity certain things were bringing up in me is unnecessary negativity and not something that needs to be passed on to my son. (Did you know it is a medical fact that children can sense and absorb the mood of their parents, including depression, anger, and fear?)

I acknowledge that this post is my own little drop of negativity out into the world, but I have noticed a marked increase in my daily happiness when I don't allow myself to spend 10 minutes getting sucked into the vortex of all the things that I know are bringing my own mood down--in ALL of my Internet dealings. I now fill myself up with hope for what will be, excitement for what is, compassion for those who are hurting, brilliance and simplicity of parenting ideas and incorporating culture and book recommendations and recipes and picture after picture of pumpkin patches and Tol celebrations and silly smiles and hugs that never fail to bring a smile to my face.

So many things in life, and especially in adoption, are totally outside our control. How I choose to spend my Internet time and fill my head and heart, however, is completely in my control.