Last week we finally sent Little Bug's birth mother a letter; or rather, we sent Little Bug's birth mother's file a letter. We were told that if the agency could contact her, they will. Whether she goes to get the letter is her choice, and one we won't know anything about unless she chooses to contact us.
We've sent pictures for her file before, and even written other letters, but none of those letters ever made it over to her file. I'm pretty ashamed of that. Knowing representatives from our Korean agency were in town, we recently sat down to pen and send a letter they would take back with them.
There will never be enough words to express our measure of gratitude and heartbreak for the decision she made, so we kept that to the point and heart felt. Besides, I tried to put myself in her shoes; if I got a letter from the parents of my child almost 3 years after I last laid eyes no him, their feelings would not be what I wanted to focus on.
If it was me, I would want to soak up every word about my boy, every detail I could glean. I'd want to know him.
So we wrote paragraph after paragraph about Little Bug. We wrote about his laugh and social nature. We wrote about his favorite foods and the things he refuses to eat. We wrote about his love of music and dancing. We wrote about his raggies and love for "choo choos." We wrote about his height and weight and his impish need to turn all the lights in our house on and off...just because he can.
We wanted her to have something tangible to hold onto.
I have this hope that perhaps the little details will give her something to anchor her to him. When she sees Elmo or Phung Phungie she can connect with him on some level. She can strip away one tiny bit amount of the unknown.
We also wrote about his spirit. I don't believe she knows that he has any special needs, and we debated mentioning it at all, but ultimately we wanted her to know what a fighter her son is...a trait I truly believe he must have gotten from her. We want her to be proud of him.
And I sent 30+ pictures. Screw the 7-10 pictures they suggest. I know they won't throw the other 25 away. I included candids with genuine smiles and posed pictures with obligatory smiles. I included pictures that reinforced his personality: happy, joyful, silly, loving, sweet, calm, and determined. I included family pictures and picture with Appa and I interacting with him. I included pictures of our daily lives: picnics to the botanical gardens, vacations, camping, celebrations, and down time.
I hope she looks at the pictures and is happy to see him happy.
We also asked for contact. We offered to receive letters or even visit her when we go to Seoul. I have no idea if anything will ever come from that, but I wanted to make sure there was no doubt in her mind that if she wanted contact, we wanted it, too.
She is the mother of our son, of course we do.
And even if she isn't able to contact us or even access the letters and pictures we will continue to send, someday Little Bug might go back to Korea and open her file. And he'll not only see proof of our love for him and the woman who gave him life, but he'll see our absolute, unwavering faith in her love for him.
That's great. I sent a letter with pictures right after we returned home (our agency actually required it at the one month point), but at that time, I barely knew Matthew myself. You have inspired me to send another one. I, too, would like contact if it is at all possible.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you hear something back. Whether you do or not, I am sure that your letter and the pictures you've included will be a huge blessing to her.
That's wonderful. I am planning to write a letter and send pictures to Joel's birth mother every year around Joel's birthday, so I'm working on it now. I really like that you wrote all the details about Little Bug for her. I imagine that in a birth mother's shoes, I would want the same.
ReplyDeletei love this post. we had the same thought and had one ready to go back with the recent korean visitors. i'm excited knowing that it's there now.
ReplyDeleteit was the hardest letter i have every written and it took the longest to write. i do feel like sending her updates will be easier, after this first letter. and oops on the photographs! we sent way more than 7-10. i wanted to send snippets from the past year and a half though and you can't do that in 7-10 photos!
This is wonderful. I think it's great that you provided so many details on Little Bug and so many pictures. I started working on a letter a few months ago but I was struggling. I needed to know P a little better before I was ready to write this letter. I think I'll be ready to start working on it again soon... thank you for the inspiration!
ReplyDeleteYou are so great at putting thoughts and feelings into words. I feel the same way about B's birthmother. We have an unfinished letter to send, and you have eased my mind about what to write. I was unsure how much to tell her. It seems like such a thin line between wanting to tell her everything, and trying to figure how much she might want to know. I am going with my gut and putting it all in there. Thanks for the nudge! And Seth and his birthmom are so blessed that you are such a great mom.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the inspiration C - I think you are so right that she'd want to know all these little details about Little Bug. And I love what you said about S knowing some day how much you loved him and how much you knew his birth mom loved him when he looks inside his file. So sweet.
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