Going Home Does Not Have To Be A Tragedy

This weekend I went with some girlfriends (who also have little boys who were adopted from Korea) to see a screening of a self-narrative film by a 21-year-old who was adopted from Korea and returned with the hope that he might be able to meet his birth family ("Going Home" by ThirdCat Productions). I think it is important for me to access different points of view from people who have essentially lived the life my son will live and learn from their perspectives with the hope I can be a better parent when/if my son encounters certain issues. With that being said, I didn't really leave the theater with any earth shattering parenting tips....because the movie was in no way made to "teach" or "educate" anyone, especially someone like me.

Instead, I left in tears and complete awe and respect for this young man, his birth family, his parents, and everyone around him.

Adoption is tragic. A child loses their birth family, a link that is inherent and unbreakable to us as breathing. A birth mother loses her child, a child she will spend every day thinking about and loving for the rest of her life. Brothers and sisters lose each other. This alone is tragic.

International adoption is tragic. On top of all the loss that comes with adoption, the child then loses his or her birth culture, their chance to be a majority anywhere, their language (which I just now am realizing is truly tragic), and their customs. They lose a connection to themselves.

Yes, the child gains a loving home, loving family, a warm bed, a good education, etc. That is not tragic; it's the best outcome for a tragic situation, but it doesn't change the fact that the situation is tragic to begin with.

This young man was able to meet with his birth mother and birth sister. Their reunion was a positive one and their relationships are starting to grow. But, it wasn't rainbows and kitten; his birth mother was ashamed and nervous; his birth sister was blindsided by the revelation that she had the younger brother she had always wanted but never knew she had who would only be in the country for 2 more days; and he found himself having to readjust his vision of what he presumed his identity was.

It was emotionally exhausting to watch for me; I cannot imagine what it was like to live through.

Yet, something his father said to him the day after the meeting with his birth mother has echoed in my ears since. He was musing why, after all the tears and sadness over the years for everyone involved, the meeting was emotional but not upsetting.

"It's not tragic anymore. There is finally closure and a chance to move forward."

I'll never forget the images in this movie: the way the young man cried as he heard his birth mother would not be able to see him initially, the way his mother brokenly thanked his birth mother for putting him up for adoption in the same breath as apologizing brokenheartedly for her having to give him up...the way his sister broke down in racking sobs in the middle of the airport as she embraced the brother she had only met once and who she could only communicate through pointing out the word "family" in a dictionary.

I'll also never forget the young man who stood before us in the Q&A, brave and proud of the story he openly shared and the hope and peace he clearly felt as his relationships with his birth family continues to grow.

His story is tragic...but his ending is not.

I can only hope for that for my son. I can only hope that if he wants to search for that part of his life he will be able to find some sort of closure. The reality is that he might not, but I can hope.

This film showed me that I cannot erase or compensate for the tragedy that brought my son into his lime green nursery and my waiting arms, but I can do whatever it take physically, financially, and especially emotionally to give him every chance he needs and wants to change how that tragedy ultimately plays out.

Just in case he ever needs to go home.