The Complex

This morning Little Bug woke up happily and turned on his music. He sat contently in his crib for I don't know how long until I opened his door. He jumped up happily to greet me, smiling and bright eyed. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Thanks for the lovely send off, baby boy.

For the past few months I have barely allowed myself to think about my trip. I'm crippled with anxiety over leaving Little Bug with his grandparents. Of course I trust them implicitly, but I have a bit of a control problem and letting someone else care for my kid is something that I've never been very good at.

The underlying issue is, of course, the adoption complex. A little under 2 years ago Little Bug was suddenly taken from the only parents he had ever known. He rallied better than a lot of kids, but grieved none the less. I don't like to really dwell on this because I feel at some point our children heal enough to not have everything they experience framed within their adoption traumas, but I have to be honest when I say that I worry something will bubble up inside Little Bug after a day or two of not seeing Appa and I. I don't think he remembers his separation from his foster parents, but I am positive that pain is still lurking and has framed certain parts of his personality.

I consider myself well educated and serious about attachment, and if I thought our vacation would harm my son, there is no way I would have agreed to it. There are a lot of difference between this trip and his first days with us. He's older, and has been with us for much longer. He understands the concept of leaving and coming back. He'll be with people he already knows and has a relationship with, a relationship built within the safety of Appa and I's presence. He'll be in his own school on a daily basis with people he loves and a routine that is familiar to him. He'll be in his own bed, with his own toys, with familiar smells and sounds and tastes. He'll see us every night via video chat.

I'm typing this out to make myself feel better because the adoption complex isn't something that Little Bug alone deals with.

There is a high chance Little Bug will be completely nonplussed about this whole thing. Sure, he'll cry because he misses his parents and he might act out a bit or have trouble sleeping, but that's normal 2-year-old behavior in these circumstances. I think the focus on the abandonment idea is something I will deal with much more than he will. I have the adoption complex.

I've talked about this with friends before, this questions of how and when and what should or should not be blamed or filtered through the lenses of adoption trauma. It's not clear cut and depends on the child, of course, but I do think that at some point the fact our children are just children, and not just children who were adopted, needs to carry equal, if not more weight. Is that time for Little Bug now?

I don't know. I hope so.

This morning when my little family cuddled in bed I cried behind Little Bug's back. I gave him extra kisses before work. I'm near tears now just thinking about singing one last chorus of "5 Little Monkeys" before we leave. I will, mark my words, be a complete and total mess the minute our car pulls out of the driveway. I will cry after we sign off every video chat.

None of those things are because my son was adopted...they are because my son is my son and I miss him when we are not together.

Leaving him is so hard it literally hurts, but I know it will be okay, even a good thing, for all of us. I'm just a sappy mama leaving her baby for the first "big" time.

That's called The Mama Complex.