Just because this isn't where I thought I would be 1 year ago, doesn't mean that it's not exactly where I am supposed to be.I debated writing this, but it has been rattling (pounding) around in my head and the point of this blog was for me to be more honest with my emotions, even when I don't like them. Lately a few more people I know in non-anonymous blog and real life have found this blog (which I am more than happy about), but I wondered if I should hold back a touch since this isn't something I would put on my family blog or chat up over a cup of coffee. But my friend Elizabeth recently reminded me that it's healthy to be honest about your emotions, both good and bad, and your honestly will help others and help yourself. So here I go.
Tomorrow (or in a couple hours from now depending on how you look at it time-wise), I will have had Little Bug in my arms for 1 year. It's been the best year of my life in every way that truly counts.
But it has also been a very hard year.
We have been celebrating our family's journey all week and tomorrow will culminate with a small party and the beginning of some cool traditions. I've been looking forward to this for a long time (a year?). I've dreamed about how this celebration would go and where we would be 1-Year-Later.
Honestly, it wasn't exactly here.
Close, for sure. I dreamed of a fully adjusted child and parents who loved to be with each other. Check please, and if that was all I could ever have, I would be happy with just that. Look, I'm so happy I could burst that Little Bug has been home for a year and that we have hit this milestone that for some reason seems so important to me, but the fact of the matter is that I never imagined that we would hit this milestone without hitting other milestones first.
Walking, talking, not drooling, good balance, playing age-appropriately….these are all things that I convinced myself would be distance memories a year later. And well, they are not. In fact, these last few weeks have been exceptionally frustrating. Little Bug's braces, which were "supposed" to help him walk sooner, have in fact caused more harm than good. New braces have an eta of 3 months….3 MONTHS. Little Bug is making good, if slow, progress with other areas, which I am thrilled with, but he still has a long way to go. Carrying around a heavy almost 2-year-old EVERYWHERE is not an easy task day in and day out. Today I spent 30 minutes ordering a neoprene body suit complete with straps to tighten appendages that my little baby will have to wear all the time. A body suit on a baby. It's par for the course in my life now, and that is okay. Little Bug rocks all sorts of awesome therapy vests and braces and still looks like a million cute bucks.
But in some fleeting moments, I can't help by acknowledge that it is a slightly bitter pill to swallow. I'm thankful that my struggles with infertility (all those Christmas morning where I swore I would have a baby to shower with gifts the next year, only to wake up the next year's Christmas morning with that hurt fresh in my heart) have taught me that thinking that I am "owed" something or that I can put a date or expectation on something outside of my control is just setting myself up for being disappointed (this has helped with our next adoption, too, as an added bonus). I couldn't help but put dates and labels on Little Bug's development when he first came home and I was struggling to make sense of our new reality, but I refuse to now. Little Bug will develop at his own pace…and I love him all the more for it.
I'm not trying to throw a pity party or looking for sympathy, because I have the most awesome child on the face of the planet, and he is healthy and happy, but this anniversary has brought back some dark moments of desperate promises and expectations I had no right to make to myself. It doesn't mean I don't love my son or that I am not proud of his significant progress, but I just had to get off my chest this slight tingle of grief that the road we have walked this last year and will continue to walk was not the road we had intended.
The positive of this post is that if 1 year ago I was able to fast forward to this moment and see us as we are today, I wouldn't change a single thing.
Well, I might bring some more snacks, but I would still take Appa and Little Bug's hands and walk (or scoot/crawl/cruise) this exact same road. Each step we take is one more step we were meant to take, and that helps me in these moments when I feel down.
I didn't want to post this tomorrow, because tomorrow is a day of pure joy. I'm being kind and allowing myself this little moment of honesty because tomorrow I am going to PAR-TY it up with some balloons, a sweet Family Day cupcake cake, and my rocking awesome boys.
As always, I appreciate your honesty. We are in a society that is all about timelines, goals. It seems nearly impossible NOT to apply these towards our own personal lives and yes, our children. Obviously, you are only mourning these....losses, I guess we can call them simply because you ADORE that precious boy and only want what is absolutely best for him. Kudos for recognizing the most important thing--your attachment as a family and the special bond you all share. Have an amazing day of new traditions tomorrow!!
ReplyDeleteHi, I found your blog after clicking on your comment in Kelly's last post about baby carriers. I am SO GLAD I did. After I read your 'bio' in the right hand column, I knew I wanted to read more. I, too, suffer from mild depression and [sometimes not so mild] anxiety. I admire and respect the fact that you've included that as part of who you are. I so often try to ignore my issues and hope they will go away. How refreshing to be able to just put it out there.
ReplyDeleteI also really appreciate this post. Your friend was right - by posting this, you are really helping other moms in the same boat as you. And, I'm sure there are many - both bio and adoptive. My DH and I are awaiting our travel call. I will never forget the first meeting with our SW when she asked if we had properly mourned the loss of the bio baby that we many never have. At the time, I thought it was a weird question and didn't think it applied to me. Throughout this whole process, though, I've done a lot of grieving and had a lot of pity parties, and now I understand the reason for the question. However, I really don't think the grieving is ever done. Just under control. I want to give our beautiful son ALL of my love, and I don't ever want him to think that he was our 2nd-best option. I constantly struggle with how we will talk about all of this when he's older. I want to be open and honest with him, yet I also want to stress to him that all of this was 'meant to be' and that we belong together as a family.
Sorry for the long-winded post... it just got me thinking about A LOT! Enjoy celebrating your long-awaited Family Day!
Cori,
ReplyDeletei also appreciate your honesty. i recently shared a few things about myself on our blog that made me nervous, but i felt like i needed to do it and that i wanted to do it.
i have had similar thoughts about christmas, etc. and it is a benefit for me, as a new mom with expectations, to read your experience and thoughts. thank you for sharing your life with us :). and of course happy family day!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for your honesty. I am so happy that you have this blog to be able to use as your outlet to talk about things like this. You're helping so many people you probably have no idea. You, my dear rock. It's funny how much patience we have to have in our adult life, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteCori - I so appreciate your honesty in this post. Although I'm not a mama yet myself, I can picture myself feeling very similar thoughts as you and I think you are so good at articulating these sometimes seemingly contradictory feelings. As I think I've said before, your love for Little Bug is so apparent and fun to see via your blog and FB posts. I know we are supposed to say that we the parents are the lucky ones (and duh, I think that is so obvious) but I have to say here that Little Bug is lucky too to have you guys as parents. You are full of passion, energy, honesty, and good intentions. I also think his birth mother would be so relieved, comforted, and happy to know that he ended up in your amazingly loving family. You rock, mama! I hope I'm half as good a mom as you someday.
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