Fall

Fall.

I've only recently in the last few years come to truly appreciate Fall. I've always been lucky enough to live in areas where Fall is a real season with crisp air, deep shaded leaves, and that special moment before it gets dark where you can almost feel the season changing little by little. In the last few years I have taken the time to enjoy this unique period of the year.

A couple nights ago I was outside getting something from our car and took a couple minutes to stand out in our driveway. It was twilight and the first of the leaves on our neighbor's tree were turning. There was this electricity in the air (probably from the electrical storm we had later that night), and the whole atmosphere felt very alive. I just stood there and took it all in.

I was thinking about that moment this morning as I noticed even more leaves turning on my way to work. I started thinking back to last Fall.

Last Fall I did not take the time to stop and smell the leaves.

I worry that I might write too much on this blog about my experience with post adoption depression, but I think it is important for me to share feelings as they come out; both to help others who might be experiencing this very under-supported experience and just to help me work through what lingers of my own. Understand that all things considered, I have a charmed life, and I totally know it.

Last Fall Little Bug had been home for around a monthish. Things were rough in my world, but only those very closest to Appa and I really had any indication of that, mainly because I tried desperately to hide it, even from myself and him. I'm not sure at the time that I even knew what I was feeling. I was overwhelmed with the total loss of independence I was experiencing, the complete 24/7 independence Little Bug had on me, my feelings of inadequacy, Little Bug's special needs that I felt completely unprepared for, consuming guilt over my feelings, and lack of sleep and good eating.

I am convinced that lack of sleep makes everything worse. Just an aside.

Anyway, I honestly can't remember Fall last year. I remember experiences with Little Bug, but I don't recall what the leaves looked like, or what the air smelled like, or how I felt about it all. There were no seasons for me at the end of last year. My life was lived in a very weird haze of shellshock, depression, avoidance, self loathing, and spurts of joy. (This haze sadly clouded what should have been the Christmas season of my dreams, too.)

Blah. I'm not loving thinking about it today, but the point of this post is that I realized this morning as I was marveling over the start of the Fall season that I am back and better than ever!

There is a light at the end of the depression tunnel. For some people it might be just a week or a few days away. For some, it might be months. For me, it was many months and a hard fought battle, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

How can there not be? Being a parent is hard and the ultimate sacrifice is so many ways, and yet, at the end of the day, your child inherently makes it worth it. You just have to be in the right frame of mind to see it.

Case in point: Yesterday Little Bug and I were leaving a store and he was riding in the shopping cart in the parking lot. the wind was pretty strong and had that autumn bite to it. Little Bug gasped the first time he felt it, and then started pumping his legs wildly and throwing his head around, mouth wide open, trying to catch the air in his mouth, his hands clapping almost unconsciously.

That is my new favorite memory of Fall.