Well, not really, but that title just sort of stuck with me.
First, thanks for the comments on the last few posts. After I posted my little missive, I was a little overwrought with whether or not I had been too truthful, or whether I had accurately conveyed that while I was feeling the things I was feeling, I truly AM happy exactly where I am (which, at this moment, happens to be listening to Classical Baby and the background sounds of Appa and Little Bug snoring away in a much fought for nap).
However, I've also been thinking a lot more since that post, and I've come up with a lot of other parts of my life that have changed in the last year....unintended changes, if you will. All of them are positive too, which is nice.
Today I am moved to write about one. Little Bro.
I've probably not mentioned Little Bro before because he currently lives in my heart and perhaps is starting to live in his birthmother's womb, although I cannot be sure about that (see previous post about no longer placing dates on things outside my control).
One year ago, Appa and I had a plan. This plan included loving on Little Bug like there was no tomorrow and putting in our application for our next adoption as soon as we could (which was 6 month ago, today, hence why it's on my mind).
Only one year ago, Little Bro was Little Sis.
I'm dead serious when I say that I need to be the mother to a daughter. It's this huge, not-so-secret wish of mine. I need to be knee deep in ribbons and lace and sugar and spice and everything nice. So, it was a given that our next adoption would be requesting a girl.
Then that pesky "gut feeling" of mine started rearing its gutty-head. (I say gut, but I'm also well aware that it is something much more divine than that...it's just hard for me to really know what that is right now.) I would dream of two little BOYS playing together. Constantly. I had trouble imagining Little Bug with Little Sis, and I would get a bad feeling whenever I would tell myself to "shake this off."
Oh man, I was PISSED.
I want a girl soooo badly, and yet, we had always thought we would adopt three kids, two boys and a girl....just not in that order.
Or apparently, exactly in that order. Finally, I mentioned to Appa that I had been feeling that perhaps--I couldn't believe I was going to say it--we should apply for another boy instead of a girl, which he was fine with. Still, I struggled with this dream I didn't want to let go of at that moment.
Yet, when the time came to put in our application and we checked "either" (which in our agency's lingo = boy), I cried tears of joy. It felt right. This unintended road we were embarking on was exactly the right road for us.
So, 6 months later, and I am thinking of my second son and excited to see him someday. I fantasize about my two little boys playing together and of being that mama with two boys. Heck, I am still clueless about raising one boy, but I am thrilled to see what it's like to raise two. Truly, I am tickled blue about it.
And Little Sis? Oh, she is still here, wrapped in soft pink wishes in my heart. I know I'll see her someday, somewhere, somehow.
And if I don't? It will be because that pesky gut told me no. If that is the case, I will respect that....and then go play with some trucks.
Awwww, tickled blue - I love it. Well, all I can say is you did the right thing by TRUSTING YOUR GUT. If there is one thing we've learned on our journey to become parents, it is this one thing. So trust those dreams and those feelings. They mean something. I truly believe that.
ReplyDeleteAnd what's funny is that you might end up with that Little Sis instead - depending on what the universe decides is the right thing at that moment :)
Of course, I say these things so nonchalantly when - really - this has been a huge learning experience for this type A girl who likes to be able to be in control of her life. Uh, that's the other thing we learned along this journey - don't ever expect to be in control! And so I am learning - slowly - to give up control. But damn if that isn't the hardest thing to learn ....
When I was pregnant with Isaac, I knew it was a girl. It had to be. I grew up with my mom and two sisters. My husband is the first boy/man I remember sharing a house with. I was totally baffled, perplexed, and bewildered when the ultrasound tech saw the external plumbing, as she put it. What was I going to do with a boy? Fall madly in love and have the time of my life, apparently.
ReplyDeleteFast forward to our decision to adopt. I was shocked to learn that so many people won't consider a boy. I had just finished a book that totally changed my life (The waiting Child: How the Faith and Love of one Orphan Saved the Life of Another) about a precious boy with special needs who waited. I knew then that I was forever meant to be the mama to boys. Every waiting child list I perused, I literally didn't see the girls. It was so odd to me, but I just knew it was right.
Who knows--after Matthew comes home I may feel the need for some pink bows in my life, but for me, for now, this is right. Sounds like you have figured out what's right for you too. And that's a great thing! Boys rock!
we are thinking the same thing Cori :). i always thought we would wait for a girl the 2nd time around, but we have decided to wait for another baby boy when the time comes. we could not be more excited about having 2 little boys and though i will be outnumbered - i could not imagine not giving C a baby brother and watching the 2 of them grow up together!
ReplyDeletei am so excited for you guys and for little bro!
Cori, I've been meaning to post a comment to your 'unintended road' post. I just want you to know...
ReplyDeleteI admire you.
nancy
p.s i love the part II note about little bro possibly living in his birthmother's womb. i often think of this too. i want to think that one day when baby brother eli is conceived we will be so in tune that we will recognize a certain feeling that day. we pray for him but have not yet felt him move.