Written on March 29, 2011

One year ago today my son entered my life.  Even though it would be a full month until all the other factors fell into place to make it so, one year ago today, before I had even seen his file which would come the following day, I knew.

I sat down at the computer 1 year ago today and wrote him a letter.  A letter than I had no business writing to this child, but that I absolutely knew would one day be read by him.

There are few things in life that I have felt as uncharacteristically, blindly faithful about as I did that day 1 year ago.  File be damned, finances be damned, business associations be damned.  I just knew that the child behind that little square of a picture was the child that Appa and I would both ultimately agree was going to be our son. For someone who likes to err on the side of emotional caution and pessimism, I was full of wild abandon when it came to loving this child.

And now, 1 year later, a little white dresser in my home is filled with clothes he will wear in just over a week.  My calendar has appointments that he and I will go to together. My home is about to become his home, my traditions his traditions, my family his family.....

My heart simply his.

In the last 365 days, never once have I wavered from that wild abandon.  I've felt such peace.  Truly, such peace.

All because 1 year ago Appa and I followed an insane urge to jump outside the plan, our comfort zone, our expectations.

Thank God for today.

Brothers

Little Bug is so ready.

A year and a half ago Appa and I were concerned that we would need to “go on hold” due to Little Bug’s needs.  One year ago we knew Little Bug was closer to being ready and felt comfortable with the 6-8 month window we knew we had between Dong Sang’s referral and go time for Hyung. Of course, when 6-8 months stretched to 12-15 months total, the only bright spot was giving Little Bug a little more time as an only child.

And, at almost exactly a year later, our baby bug is no longer a baby and SO, SO, SO ready to be a big brother.  He’s blossomed so much in the last few months (and I know I always say that, but this kid, he is doing some mind blowing things lately).  His social habits have really evened out, and every morning and evening are filled with chatter about his friends.  Having a little brother will definitely be an adjustment, but I think Little Bug is at a place developmentally where he’ll feel more benefit and fun than jealousy and anger at having Little Bro home.

Except if Little Bro tries to take his raggies…..so Little Bro is on notice there.

But when I watch Little Bug at night, silly and happy and helpful and so aware, my heart just bursts with excited anticipation at the day when he realized that his hopefully-eventually-to-be best friend isn’t going anywhere.  It’s like this giant surprise that I can’t wait to see his reaction to.

Of course, we’re not adopting Little Bro to be a brother to Little Bug.  He has his own defined place in our family that has nothing to do with Little Bug.  We’re excited for him as a person, not for what he can bring to our older son.

But I hope that eventually Little Bro comes to see Little Bug as a really great surprise, too.

Because, mark my words, the moment these two connect will be a moment I will never, ever forget.  I hope this is the beginning of one of the most important relationships in the world for these two little boys.

For a mama who wanted sugar and spice and everything pink and nice, I can’t fathom being more excited about anything than I am about being the mama to little brothers.

I Won’t Hesitate No More

I’m freezing.

That’s probably the shock from hearing it’s finally time.  We’re finally on our way to Little Bro.

Lately I haven’t had words for this part of my life, this more personal blog.  The heartache for those I already love in Korea has pretty much taken over.  But today the excitement has barreled in, too, for me and my family.  And the shock that after almost 1 year to the day that my heart said “MAKE THIS CALL,” the little child who has had my heart for so very long will finally be in my arms.

 I cannot image how my life would be if I hadn’t followed my feelings on this one, if Appa hadn’t opened his mind and trusted a new plan, if Little Bro wasn’t our big star.  I’m so thankful things have worked out they way they have….right down to every delay and hiccup.

And it will be hard for him and others, and I can’t stop tempering my excitement with that knowledge, but my God, it’s a beautiful thing for my family, too.

The way our family and Little Bro came together is one unlike I ever thought I would write, but at every turn we’ve been blessed. The last year has changed me radically, and I believe it is for the better.

I won’t hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I’m Yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and then you’re free

Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love

-Jason Mraz, “I’m Yours”

Heartache

Our travel call for Little Bro is imminent.  Maybe not tomorrow or even this month, but I can probably count it down on my fingers and toes now.

And truly, I am having a hard time getting excited about it.  In fact, my biggest emotion lately is heartache.

Through a couple of ways, I've ended up feeling quite close to Little Bro's foster family, even though I have never had any direct contact with them.  But I know that the four of them love that little boy like a son and brother, and I know down to the pit of my stomach that driving him to the agency, handing him over to strangers, and then driving home alone is going to kill them.....all of them.

I know that for every day I tick off a calendar towards our Family Day, they are ticking a day off theirs, too. And when I think of it, it makes it hard for me to celebrate that tick.

It can be said that this is the way things happen, that they knew this when they signed up, and that they will be happy he is going to live with a family who will love him just as much as they do, but none of those things really bring me any solace, because I am sure they don't ease the heartbreak this family is feeling at all.

I am frantic to write my letter to them just right, to somehow convey the words I don't have, the guilt and sadness and horror and love and gratitude and respect I feel.  But the cursor had been blinking at me for the last 2 weeks, hammering home the reminder that there is nothing I can do to stop so much pain and loss from continuing to wrap itself around my sweet little boy.

Having been through this once before with Little Bug, I think it's made it easier and more important for me to consider the foster family's needs in this transition.  Little Bug was with his family for 9 months and the transition was traumatic for them; Little Bro is his family's first foster child and will have been with them for 20 months.

There is a time for joy, and has come and will again.  But right now I can't revel in my joy, my gain.  Not when I know how much pain is and will surround people who I already love.

The Darkness Excuse No Longer Works

Here is what the people who went past our house last night saw:

A mother, her dress clothes covered by her long dress coat and heels grating against the pavement, talking on the phone while pulling a 3-year-old little boy, also bundled up in winter gear to protect against the cold 30 degree temps, who was happily munching on french fries while taking the world in as his mother pulled his little red wagon up and down their driveway.

Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down. Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.  Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.  Up and down. Up and down.

If a 3 year old wants an evening picnic and a wagon ride, there is little in the world that is going to stop him from getting just that. Especially when Daylight Savings Time has robbed his mother of her one sure argument against them.

The Year of Love

Every year I've taken great care when picking out a wall calendar for my work space.  For some reason, I feel like the type of calendar a person displays and chooses to look at every day says a lot about them.  For the past few years, my calendars have always been beautiful landscapes of Idaho, my childhood home state.  The pictures of a place so different from my current one, but so familiar and comforting and beautiful, have made me happy for many, many, many months.

This year I didn't get an Idaho calendar.  I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, but I spent the entire month of January calendar-less.  And then, on Valentine's Day, I found my new focus for the year, the calendar I will proudly display for the next 10 months.

It is crumpled, water-stained, crudely cut and glued....and makes me smile every morning.

Window Shopping

Little Bug,

You've been home for 2.5 years now.  You know who your mama is.  So I'm cool with you calling any females who look between the ages of 16-50 "mama," because I know it's just the only name you know how to associate with adult women.  Besides I love being your "my mama."

However, when the new little girl in your class has her Korean mother there, it's slightly mortifying for your "my mama" when you run into the Korean mama's arms and refuse to leave.  I get that you were playing with her, but she looked at me like some horrific thing was happening, and she actually asked me if you were confused who your mama was because she was Korean.  I couldn't even be mad at her for asking, not as I was watching the bizarre love fest you had going on.  Granted, it got better when you moved on to your white teacher and did the same thing and she could see it had nothing to do with the way she looked or the accent she had.

You just didn't want to go home last night.  That's okay.  School looks a heck of a lot more fun some days than a healthy dinner, home therapy, and an early bedtime.  So I'll jazz it up if you promise to go easy on the pseudo window shopping. 

Love,
Your My Mama