Daily Dose of Mama: Heartache

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Heartache

Our travel call for Little Bro is imminent. Maybe not tomorrow or even this month, but I can probably count it down on my fingers and toes now.

And truly, I am having a hard time getting excited about it. In fact, my biggest emotion lately is heartache.

Through a couple of ways, I've ended up feeling quite close to Little Bro's foster family, even though I have never had any direct contact with them. But I know that the four of them love that little boy like a son and brother, and I know down to the pit of my stomach that driving him to the agency, handing him over to strangers, and then driving home alone is going to kill them.....all of them.

I know that for every day I tick off a calendar towards our Family Day, they are ticking a day off theirs, too. And when I think of it, it makes it hard for me to celebrate that tick.

It can be said that this is the way things happen, that they knew this when they signed up, and that they will be happy he is going to live with a family who will love him just as much as they do, but none of those things really bring me any solace, because I am sure they don't ease the heartbreak this family is feeling at all.

I am frantic to write my letter to them just right, to somehow convey the words I don't have, the guilt and sadness and horror and love and gratitude and respect I feel. But the cursor had been blinking at me for the last 2 weeks, hammering home the reminder that there is nothing I can do to stop so much pain and loss from continuing to wrap itself around my sweet little boy.

Having been through this once before with Little Bug, I think it's made it easier and more important for me to consider the foster family's needs in this transition. Little Bug was with his family for 9 months and the transition was traumatic for them; Little Bro is his family's first foster child and will have been with them for 20 months.

There is a time for joy, and has come and will again. But right now I can't revel in my joy, my gain. Not when I know how much pain is and will surround people who I already love.

8 comments:

everythingismeowsomeMarch 22, 2011 at 9:27 PM
Writing that letter is so hard. There just aren't any words. I totally know where you are coming from right now. All I can tell you is that your empathy for everybody involved in the situation will make this transition harder for you, but it will also make you a better mother for Little Bro.
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TracyMarch 23, 2011 at 6:33 AM
It is so hard. Hard to watch the families that have poured so much love into our children be broken hearted. But, they do this because they love the children. They know it is coming and as hard as it is they do it over and over becasue they love the children. Even if it is the first foster child, it is done in love. You keep loving them and thanking them. It will be hard to say good bye when you are being loaded into the van. You are a great person. I love that you care so much about others feelings...
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JoJoMarch 23, 2011 at 6:38 AM
It is such a emotionally charged time right now with every emotion showing up. I know what a real one this is, and how hard it is to reconcile your happiness with their sadness. Not sure if this will help at all, but I'm fairly confident they will be in HB's life after he comes home and that may be a huge comfort to you and them.
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sueMarch 23, 2011 at 2:04 PM
i'm thinking of all of HB's families and the emotions that all of you have right now.
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ChristineMarch 23, 2011 at 4:18 PM
I can only imagine what Big Star's foster family will go through. It is heartbreaking, and I can understand your feelings right now. Hoping for the right words to come to you, and for peace for the foster family right now and in the weeks to come.
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kellyMarch 23, 2011 at 9:28 PM
There are no words. This is tough beyond measure. HB is loved by two families so much and both want what is best for him. Your family is what's best for him and they know this, it will just be painful to hand their little boy over. But I know you, and I know you will keep them connected to HB in such a meaningful way in the years ahead. I think when they find out you're visiting Little Bug's foster family they will know how much you care about your sons' first families and that will bring comfort, too.
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MeganMarch 24, 2011 at 4:50 PM
I spent the entire day before Lucy JeIn coming home bawling thinking of the foster family and their heartache. I was watching the clock (in Korea's time) and just imagining what they were going through and really grieved for them (and for Lucy). It is so hard to put into words our gratitude and I still don't think I have done an adequate job of it. The foster families are so selfless and wonderful!

Thinking of all of you!
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Christine @ 12,450miles March 24, 2011 at 8:05 PM
It's so difficult, this time. There are so many emotions, so many raw feelings. My thoughts are not only with you, but with them.
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Thanks for your daily dose of you....

Everyday Mama

I'm a 32-year-old everyday mama. My husband (Appa) and I adopted our first son Little Bug (at 10 months old) from Korea in September 2008. We adopted our second son, Little Bro, from Korea in April 2011 at age 21 months. We adopted our third son,Little Moon, at age 3 in November 2013. I've wanted to be a mama for a long time, but I'm still trying to figure out the reality of it all and take time to enjoy the delicate beauty of the highs and the lows.

I worked full time as an editor, which I loved; but I made the bittersweet decision to stay home with my children after Little Bro came home. I'm now clumsily finding my footing in a new world of housekeeping, menu planning, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, and rainy-day activities, as well as navigating the world of IEPs, parent advocacy, and special needs education (spoiler: I suck at house work). My husband is hot and smart and quiet and loyal, and I think (know) my sons are the cutest, happiest little boys in the world.

I also struggle at times with mild depression, anxiety, post-adoption depression, my husband's constant absence due to his stressful and super time-consuming job, the challenges of helping my older son with his sometimes exhausting special needs, and our transition to a family of three little boys with just 19 and 14 months between them. I worry way too much about what people think of me, hate talking on the phone, and I am trying to trust myself more.

Oh yeah, I'm unable to give birth to children; love books, writing, traveling, and the color brown; hate to clean, cook, craft, or do laundry; allergic to pretty much everything but food (thank God); and think camping in anything but a tent is lame.

I needed somewhere to drop my daily mama thoughts and musings on toddler poop to avoid massive clutter and ramblings on our private family blog. Writing it down on paper is so '90s.

This is my everyday "blournal" as I navigate through my life as a first-time (or is it third-time now?) mama and long-time me. So....hi.

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