Daily Dose of Mama: Hung with Care

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Hung with Care

We're in full holiday swing in our home, but with that has come some unexpected feelings. I don't want to belabor the point, which is probably why I haven't felt like blournaling lately, but the fact is, I've been a bit blue this holiday.

I honestly (naively) wasn't expecting to be so sad. I've really felt at peace during the wait, but for some reason, as soon as the decorations came out, my heart started to hurt. But, I've continued to celebrate our growing family with joy, and I am trying exceptionally hard not to let my sadness affect Little Bug's holiday joy (I'll leave that to his nemesis, Santa Claus). The stockings are hung with care, including one for our sweet big star that will be filled Christmas morning with the things that will be sent in his next care package.

Usually looking at those stockings makes me excited, thrilled, grateful; but sometimes, especially in the evenings when I'm the only one up (like now), the sadness comes back.

So that's where I am at....exactly where every mama in my position is this holiday season. I don't know why I thought I would be different, why it would affect me less.

But it has. And it will pass.

9 comments:

KrisDecember 6, 2010 at 8:27 AM
Big hugs to you. The holidays always make it especially hard when you're waiting. Keep focused Little Bug's spirit and joy and remember next year you will be celebrating with your beautiful family of 4. Blournal away your sadness if you need to, you have friends here to listen.
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Christine @ 12,450miles December 6, 2010 at 8:53 AM
Oh, C. I really want to give you a hug right now...
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sueDecember 6, 2010 at 9:02 AM
hugs, friend.
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AnonymousDecember 6, 2010 at 12:01 PM
It is so hard to miss those we love during the holidays. Thinking of you.
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AnonymousDecember 6, 2010 at 1:04 PM
I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were faring during the wait coupled with the holiday season. I know it must be hard. (hugs)
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JenDecember 6, 2010 at 1:56 PM
The holidays are hard. Hang on tight to the great things about this time of year. Take care of yourself!
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kellyDecember 7, 2010 at 12:20 PM
I remember feeling this way last year at Christmas. We had a child halfway around the world who wouldn't be home for Christmas. We put up a stocking for Max, which made me both happy and sad. Hugs, friend. Next Christmas will be doubly awesome with your two kiddos!
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ChristineDecember 7, 2010 at 2:36 PM
I completely understand your feelings of sadness and longing for Big Star. He is part of your family, and it must be hard that he's not with you. Thinking of you.
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JoJoDecember 10, 2010 at 7:05 AM
Sometimes no matter how much you 'prepare' the heart takes over. Sorry he's not there with you this year.
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Thanks for your daily dose of you....

Everyday Mama

I'm a 32-year-old everyday mama. My husband (Appa) and I adopted our first son Little Bug (at 10 months old) from Korea in September 2008. We adopted our second son, Little Bro, from Korea in April 2011 at age 21 months. We adopted our third son,Little Moon, at age 3 in November 2013. I've wanted to be a mama for a long time, but I'm still trying to figure out the reality of it all and take time to enjoy the delicate beauty of the highs and the lows.

I worked full time as an editor, which I loved; but I made the bittersweet decision to stay home with my children after Little Bro came home. I'm now clumsily finding my footing in a new world of housekeeping, menu planning, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, and rainy-day activities, as well as navigating the world of IEPs, parent advocacy, and special needs education (spoiler: I suck at house work). My husband is hot and smart and quiet and loyal, and I think (know) my sons are the cutest, happiest little boys in the world.

I also struggle at times with mild depression, anxiety, post-adoption depression, my husband's constant absence due to his stressful and super time-consuming job, the challenges of helping my older son with his sometimes exhausting special needs, and our transition to a family of three little boys with just 19 and 14 months between them. I worry way too much about what people think of me, hate talking on the phone, and I am trying to trust myself more.

Oh yeah, I'm unable to give birth to children; love books, writing, traveling, and the color brown; hate to clean, cook, craft, or do laundry; allergic to pretty much everything but food (thank God); and think camping in anything but a tent is lame.

I needed somewhere to drop my daily mama thoughts and musings on toddler poop to avoid massive clutter and ramblings on our private family blog. Writing it down on paper is so '90s.

This is my everyday "blournal" as I navigate through my life as a first-time (or is it third-time now?) mama and long-time me. So....hi.

You can contact me at daily.dose.of.mama (at) gmail.com.

THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS COPYRIGHT PROTECTED.

As an editor, I deal with people on a regular basis who think images or content on the internet (whether it does or does not have a copyright designation) are "fair use." Your lesson for the day is that anything someone writes or creates that is published on the internet is copyright protected, whether he or she spells it out or not. Although I doubt anyone wants to steal my riveting posts on toddler poop, it doesn't hurt to educate the world about the wonderful magic of online copyright law.