A Warring Heart

I'm floundering.

On one hand, things are going really well at home. Little Bug is doing awesome in his therapies. He is developmentally making some great strides and emotionally he is becoming much more mature (as in, appropriate for a 2 year old). He's pushing back when he should and giving in sometimes when he should. He is kissing us more and just generally communicating better. He is even trying to run, bless his little braced-up, mall walking self. Tantrums and all, he is a truly amazing child and a joy.

Things are also going great in Korea. Little Bro is probably close to walking, if not already taking a first step. His foster family seems like the type of people we would choose to hang out with in normal life. He's healthy and happy and right on track. We've been spoiled beyond belief at the pictures we received of him in the last month. Watching his video yesterday solidified something very real for Appa and I.

He is the child we are pledged to. We want him. We want his little gummy grin and his little butt rocking self. We want that living, breathing child who is so much more than a picture.

On the other hand, his adoption is at a standstill. A horrible, awful, standstill that brought on a second heavy sob fest at work yesterday when I got off the phone with our new agency. There is no outside the box, no shortcut, no strings to pull. We are in limbo between two agencies, neither of which can truly commit to us at this point, and ultimately at the mercy of one woman who will most likely cause our acceptance papers to go to Korea 2.5 months after we "accepted" Little Bro's referral.

Only then can his 11 month countdown start and because of this we are starting to adjust our expectations for the reality that we will very possibly miss our son's second birthday.

Only then can he receive the care packages we have lovingly sent over to show him who his family is and thank his foster family and celebrate his birthday. The packages that are sitting on a desk, unable to be released to a child who technically does not have a family waiting for him yet.

In the video you can hear the Korean social worker asking about us, about why we have not sent in our papers. They even use our names. You can hear our agency social worker try to optimistically guess when we might be able to get the acceptance over so the ball can keep moving, so he can receive our pictures and videos and gifts. To know it will, barring some miracle, be at least another 2 months before they can put those packages in his foster mother's hands makes my heart hurt.

It broke my heart yesterday.

So I feel adrift right now. I've been trying to hold off blournaling some of this because I really don't love writing the "woe is me" posts, but I literally have to get this off my chest or it will consume me more than it already is. On one hand, I have so much to be thankful for, so much to celebrate, so much happiness and sunlight and beach days and chance encounters and adorable video. On the other hand, I feel chained down, unable to fully give myself over to all the joy in my life knowing that there is this one HUGE problem that is seriously affecting the four members of my little world, especially my big star.

How do I reconcile that?