"Identity and Heritage as Roots of Blossom in Adoptive Children"

The keynote speaker at the conference I recently attended was Dr. Jaiya John. He is a poet, speaker, youth advocate, and transracial adoptee. He was a wonderful speaker because his words and story were moving, impassioned, and genuine. He spoke to the audience as parents, and he spoke on behalf of the thousands of children he has been able to work with over the years.

Dr. John had a number of key ideas he advanced. I only wish I could present them as eloquently as he does, but I can't even attempt it, so mine will be more of a basic topics overview.

A word of caution with this and all my conference summaries. I'm my own person with my own set of interests, experiences, and biases. What I got out of a session could vary widely from others, and I only wrote down the parts of the sessions that spoke to me personally. Don't consider my summaries to be in any way a total representation of any one session or the presenter. Obviously.

Dr. John started by giving thanks for the blessings in his life, both big and small. He says that we should always strive to find something to be thankful about in each moment. Especially in the moments when you are low, finding a reason to be thankful will help with the "unclenching of the heart." Not only is this a good reminder for adults, he says that teaching our children this art of thankfulness for life's little beauties will help them in their lives.

Second, and this one is close to my heart, Dr. John talked about how parenting children, especially children who were adopted, is not a one way street. We need to attach and bond just as much as they need to attach and bond to us. Adoption (and parenting in general) is a reciprocal action. The child is not the only one that needs to change as the relationships form, and we certainly should not hold fast to preconceived notions of how long it should take a child (or adult) to attach and bond. We are all unique human beings that are not a slave to an egg timer.

Dr. John's third theme was really powerful for me. He advances that "our adult unfolding becomes a template and source for their young unfolding. The way we see ourselves feeds the way they learn to see themselves....the truth of our life becomes the truth of their life."

Man alive, that is a lot of pressure and makes so much sense.

Everything about me impacts Little Bug. My collective memories and life experiences and emotional reactions and feelings and beliefs will shape Little Bug in some way because they have shaped me and how I am raising him. Dr. John suggests that we embrace this as something that is not only positive, but is an inherent right of our children. What is ours is inherently theirs, too, and they have a right to those experiences and feelings that have shaped us and thereby shaped them.

With that said, he suggests sharing our trials with our children. No, I might never be able to fully understand some of the things Little Bug will have to deal with, but sharing my own trials and fears and discomfort and triumphs, even when they might see hurtful (his example was that his mother was disowned by her father after she adopted him and she chose to never tell him that) will give help remove the mask of "conviction" that adoptive parents often chose to wear for their children. By showing our kids our vulnerabilities, we show them valuable life examples AND fill in some hows and whys that lead to the shaping of their lives. He told us to "become storytellers, because your stories become your children's stories."

In that same vein, Dr. John insists that everyone has a right to all the information about themselves. "Access to themselves" is the way he put it. Physical separation, he said, is merely an illusion of total separation. The spiritual connection our children have to their birth family or other special people will always be a part of them. That makes sense to me. I think about the way I feel connected to ancestors who I know only through stories. It stands to reason our children would feel the same way.

"What exists across the ocean is still inherently there, whether you can see it or not."

Dr. John mentioned how he would pour over the papers that told of his birth history and try desperately to make something that was just one dimensional ink and paper become something three dimensional, like his life. Because it is. It happened. It shaped who he is. That is part of his story. He challenged us to try to help our children do that, too.

The other interesting thing he mentioned is that we need to teach our children to become advocates for their "culture." However, he defined this particular "culture" as the culture of one. The sum of our children's experiences and stories and beliefs and feelings and ethnic and social cultures blends to create a culture unique to only the individual. "Culture is not a race; it is a way of being." Obviously the traditional meaning of culture is still important, but this idea of an individual culture is additional. Dr. John says we must teach our children to be proud of their personal "culture" and to be an advocate for their own lives. I loved that sense of pride and empowerment.

Overall, I liked the beauty of Dr. John's words and the way he was able to blend the joining of the parents and children as "one," while still allowing for our children to be individuals separate of their adoptive or birth families or birth or adoptive cultures.

Only time will tell whether Little Bug finds this helpful, but for me, the idea that Little Bug won't need to fit into just his Korean culture or just his American culture, but can hopefully grow up comfortable in his individual culture that accepts and celebrates ALL parts of him, the one that takes into accounts all parts of him, will help him navigate those who will seek to pigeon hole or repress him.

Dr. John has written a number of books of poetry and a memoir. His books can be found here. On a personal note, Dr. John sat at a table by the bookstore for the entire conference talking to people. Granted, he was signing books, but every time I walked by, it was clear that he was engaged in genuine and meaningful conversations with people. I was very impressed by his spirit.

Sorry this was so long. I have a feeling the rest will be equally as long.