I wanted to preserve this post that I wrote Saturday morning, less than a day after Little Bug's formal assessment, but I also wanted to get it out there in a timely fashion. It was hard for me to write and just felt off, which is why I ultimately left it as a draft. After the distance of a few days, I think it is important that I do publish it for myself (I am, after all, using this as a journal for myself among other things).
I'm exceptionally thankful for the providence that scheduled this meeting and the adoption conference I attended on the same weekend. As you will see, my heart was heavy for both my sons, and the conference helped lift me up for both of them. I had a false sense of control over Little Bro's adoption, one that made me think that controlling the timing was best for us. Ultimately, I still do have control over the timing; that control just isn't the same type I thought is was.
That is okay. It's all okay. It will all work out exactly the way it should. My family comes first, and as long as I continue to hold true to that, everything will be okay.
I have that gut feeling that it will be.
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Saturday, October 31, 2009
ohhh, that gutty feelingI'm exceptionally thankful for the providence that scheduled this meeting and the adoption conference I attended on the same weekend. As you will see, my heart was heavy for both my sons, and the conference helped lift me up for both of them. I had a false sense of control over Little Bro's adoption, one that made me think that controlling the timing was best for us. Ultimately, I still do have control over the timing; that control just isn't the same type I thought is was.
That is okay. It's all okay. It will all work out exactly the way it should. My family comes first, and as long as I continue to hold true to that, everything will be okay.
I have that gut feeling that it will be.
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Saturday, October 31, 2009
Bring back that gutty feeling, now it's gone, gone, gone
Like I mentioned in the last post, yesterday was our big assessment. The overriding mood of the meeting was positive and optimistic for Little Bug's long term life, and Appa and I got lots of great information. I went into the meeting with a little more realistic outlook than Appa did, so I think some of it was a bit more of a shock to him than it was to me. Although, honestly, very little of it felt good to hear.
Anyway, today is a new day, and we have moved on. We've started with some new suggestions and are continuing to plug away at our daily lives. Little Bug is stronger than he was yesterday. We love him more than we did yesterday. But, overall, life is no different today than it was yesterday.
I'm a huge believer in them, and will nearly always "go with my gut" on things. Today though, I am confused because I don't have a gut feeling that I desperately wish I did. I guess I've never looked for one before without just automatically having it.
It makes my heart and head hurt to even write this, but with this confirmation of Little Bug's delays and the realistic time frames we are looking at with his continued progress, our thoughts turn to our next adoption, which is scheduled to go "paper ready" in two weeks. We have both felt strongly that we would not be ready to receive a referral for Little Bro until after Little Bug starts walking, and recently told our social worker that we didn't want a referral before March 2010 and would go on hold if necessary to ensure that Little Bug (and us) had enough time to prepare.
My heart aches with the idea of waiting longer. My heart wants two little boys close in age, and my heart wants Little Bro to come home next year. I want.
Never mind what Little Bug actually needs and wants...things that are infinitely more important than my own needs and wants.
Part of me isn't sure I actually could do it (it being effective parenting for both boys) right now. I worry about spiraling even deeper into post adoption blues the second time around. I worry about Appa's job that requires so much travel. I worry about giving Little Bug the extra attention he needs along with the extra attention Little Bro would deserve. I worry about pretty much everything. It's suffocating.
I hate letting go.
Oh C., I know this is a tough place. I too, really ached to have boys very close in age and as our homestudy stretched to a YEAR (yes, a year), I saw that dream disintegrating before my very eyes. That was out of my control. During that year I would pray and wonder, "maybe we're not ready, maybe Isaac isn't ready. If that is the case, then we are fine with waiting". Well not FINE with it, but you know. And what do you know, at the end of that year, there was my son waiting for me on a list, and he was only 6 months younger than Isaac. I had never really considered adopting a child that old, but that is where my heart led me, and I couldn't imagine it any other way now.
ReplyDeleteYour situation is completely different, and harder in a way, because you may very well come to a point where you have to slow YOURSELF down. That is a very mature, and extremely hard thing to do. It reminds me of something our pastor said yesterday: Maturity is the ability to postpone gratification.
In the end, no one doubts you will do what is best for Little Bug....and in doing that, what is best for Little Bro, and the family unit at large. But do not give up hope. No matter which way this goes, I know you are the kind of person who things are going to "come together" for. Not because everything in your life happens perfectly, but because you have a grateful spirit that knows everything in your life IS perfect.
Hugs to you!
*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteWow, what Elizabeth said is wonderful and I completely agree. And Cori, your honesty about life and your love for Little Bug is so beautiful. You are thinking of your son first and that's what is important. You are an amazing mother.
ReplyDeleteOur situation was the same, although obviously very different. When I was pregnant with D, M wasn't walking yet. He did end up walking by the time D was born, but we hadn't anticipated that at all. I desperately wanted D to be a girl, because I was afraid that if we had another boy he'd be running circles around M. Well, we did have another boy, and as you know, he has hypotonia as well. I was pretty devastated when it was apparent that D had delays too. I felt like I had brought it upon myself, wishing that this second child wouldn't overshadow M. This is most definitely a very different situation from yours, but I can relate.
ReplyDeleteI had PPD after M was born, but did not have it after D was born. It is possible to not have it again. Now you have a better realization of what life may be like after introducing another member to your family, so you are better prepared to cope.
Whatever your decision is when it comes to Little Bro, it will be the right one. Just listen to the Mama Bear inside you - she's always right!
Thinking of you, C, you seem like such a great mother!
C, you are an awesome mother and i often admire how mature your decision making is. little bug is going to benefit greatly from your's and Appa's parenting (and little bro will someday too!). sending hugs to you tonight. . .
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower. :) C, I'm in awe of your thought process. What a wonderful mother you are. I'm sorry it's such an uncertain time but you will arrive at the right decision. I will be thinking of your family...
ReplyDeleteI can see how this is a hard thing to decide, but I can sense your "gut feeling" oozing out of this post. It's there, just feel it. Does it help to know that you don't have to make a choice at this very moment? That you have some time before you have to decide for sure? I bet time will help things fall into place the way they were meant to. In the meantime, you guys are doing such an awesome job with Little Bug. He is truly lucky to have you as a mama.
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