"Adoptees Grow Up"

I'll admit, this one was the hardest session for me. The presenter was adopted into a transracial home and now has a clinical physc background, so she definitely knew her stuff. She was also upfront about the fact that she knew adoptive parents would be offended and hurt and uncomfortable by some of the things she had to say. Keep that in mind as I give a summary of her points. This is one of the less pretty and shiny and happy parts of adoption, and it might not be the experience of all or even most adoptees, but it is a valid experience none the less.

Her session focused on "adoption throughout the lifespan." Parents often neglect to think about the lasting emotional and social implications of adoption on their children as adults. "Adoption is permanent. Adoptive parents, professionals, and all of society should recognize that one child being adopted effects many, many people for many, many years. Once we understand that, we can make better decisions that will have a positive impact, or lessen the negative impact."

She cited the seven core issues in adoption, which were developed in 1999. They are

• loss
• rejection
• guilt/shame
• grief
• identity
• intimacy and relationships
• control/gains.

Interesting stuff. The really interesting thing about these seven issues is that the adoptee, the birth parent, and the adoptive parent each experience them. For a very good graph that breaks each one down by member of the adoption triad, click here.

She gave a brief overview of some issues that befall young children, such as family history projects in school, embarrassment over not having a family that looks alike, lessons on Mendel's Theory of Genetics, fantasies over their birth origin, etc.

She cited two studies that show that adoptees have a higher percentage of ADHD and residential treatment. She hypothesized that this was due to adoptees' lack of "concrete self" and their preoccupation with all the unknowns in their history. She coined it "genetic bewilderment and hereditary ghosts." Part of me had a hard time accepting that the adoption itself was the sole common denominator in these statistics, but I guess it is good to keep in the back of my mind.

Once she got started talking about adulthood, I really started to get uncomfortable. I felt like she was ascribing some pretty serious issues to ALL adoptees. Now, that might just be my lack of understanding because I was not adopted or my bias because I am the adoptive parent, so this is one I will continue to ruminate on this stuff to see how I feel about her comments.

Basically, she claimed that adoptees tend to have relationship issues because they cannot get over the fear of being "abandoned again." She claimed adoptees tend to either over attach to everyone or attach to no one. Pregnancies can trigger deeply buried feelings that could dredge up painful thoughts. Like I said, these seem like extremes to me. I am sure that many people who were adopted have these issues, but I don't ascribe to the idea that ALL do.

She also claimed that people who were adopted don't like the celebrate their birthdays because to them it is actually "Loss Day." I understand the theory behind that, and I am sure birthdays will be hard for Little Bug...just as his birth family is especially on my mind on his birthday, but I'm not going to not celebrate my child's birthday just on the off chance he might consider it in poor taste someday.

The presenter talked a lot of searching for information. I agree that a search for birth information should always be supported. In fact, Appa and I are going to try to open Little Bug's file when we are next in Korea just to get any "leads" we can while the "trail is still warm" that we will tuck away for Little Bug should he ever chose to search.

She put the search in the perspective of a generational link. Their history affects the history of their children. To have that break in that history, that genetic and hereditary gap, can be very scary to an adult.

She told us to not feel threatened should our adult children mourn the absence of their birth families on special days. Just like we would mourn the absence of someone special, so will they. That made a lot of sense to me.

Finally, the presenter talked a little bit about advocating for adoptees. Right now in our country, records are sealed in closed adoptions, even after the child turns 18. These laws are to protect the birth parents, but when you think about it, every person has a right to their personal information. Once a person is 18, it seems ridiculous that they would not have access to their unblinded birth certificate. I guess I had never really thought about that before, but I can very much see her point and will strive to advocate for adoptee rights to their records when the opportunities present themselves.

Overall, this session was not my favorite. I think it would have been better served with a panel instead of just one woman. I left with a lot of food for thought, but I also left confused as to whether this was just one woman's life perspective, or whether it was an accurate reflection on the perspectives of many adult adoptees.

Just one session left to write about!