One of the phrases we always use for our letters to Little Bug is "Never doubt that you are loved by many." I'm positive it will go in every letter or card I ever write to him, and I will probably whisper it in his ear on his graduation day, his wedding day, and all the other wonderful days in his future.
It's become our subtle way of including his other families into our special moments and parental love, the reminder that his birth family and foster family are still in the world, actively loving him specifically. There is so much loss wrapped into our triad of families, but at the very root of it all, the reality is that our son has more people loving him with a passion only a father or mother could know than most people do.
And that's beautiful.
Right now, our family has a lot of contact with Little Bug's foster family. They are excellent people who love our son intensely. We bonded with them not only through our mutual love of Little Bug, but through a mutual fear of his special needs. In Korea, our social worker told us they were terribly nervous that we would be disappointed in Little Bug or not love him as much because he was so far delayed. When we started communicating after we returned from Korea, they told us the way we looked at him with such love despite his obvious delays gave them the comfort to let him go.
Since then, they've been they've been our partners in parental joy. They leave comments on our blog and send us e-mails cheering on his little victories and sending reminders of their love. They truly are members of our extended family forever.
Recently they left us a beautiful comment on one of our posts. It's been rolling around in my heart ever since, this beautiful other family who loves my son as a son. I know that somewhere my son's birth mother is loving him with a mother's love as well.
I'm not narrow minded enough to think Little Bug's adoption is just rainbows and pink hearts, because for each of these families to experience falling in love with Little Bug as a son, they also had to experience losing him. Little Bug, although the recipient of so much love, is also the victim twice over. I know that.
But it doesn't take away the fact that love is beautiful, and that being loved by as many as love Little Bug is a unique and special thing.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Let's Talk About Bodily Fluids on Monday Morning
I'm starting to take personal offense to bloody noses.
After an epic battle to trim Little Bug's nails last night, I believe he still managed to scrap up the inside of his nose this morning enough to cause gushing blood.....at least, that is what I am guessing. I didn't see it start.
I just woke up to a drip, drip, drip on my face. Little Bug was sitting above me in bed with a radiant good morning smile on his cute face....that was completely covered in blood.
Just like his jammies.
Just like my jammies.
Just like our pillows and sheets.
Just like my wall (?!).
I didn't have a bath for him or laundry for us budgeted in my morning routine, so needless to say the morning started off on the wrong foot.
I'm hoping this means I have gotten my "bodily fluids horror" of the week out of the way nice and early. It's all dry sailing from here!
After an epic battle to trim Little Bug's nails last night, I believe he still managed to scrap up the inside of his nose this morning enough to cause gushing blood.....at least, that is what I am guessing. I didn't see it start.
I just woke up to a drip, drip, drip on my face. Little Bug was sitting above me in bed with a radiant good morning smile on his cute face....that was completely covered in blood.
Just like his jammies.
Just like my jammies.
Just like our pillows and sheets.
Just like my wall (?!).
I didn't have a bath for him or laundry for us budgeted in my morning routine, so needless to say the morning started off on the wrong foot.
I'm hoping this means I have gotten my "bodily fluids horror" of the week out of the way nice and early. It's all dry sailing from here!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
My Grin
Even close to 2 years into this motherhood gig, I still have moments of ebbs and flows. Honestly, I have a lot of moments where I don't 100% love being a mom. For whatever reasons it might be at the time, sometimes it's hard for me to enjoy everything about the precious time I have with my son.For a variety of reasons, I've been thinking a lot about my post adoption depression lately and the impact it had on my attachment to Little Bug and his attachment to me. Over the past month or so, I've challenged myself to be less complacent with the relationship my son and I have, because when it comes right down to it, I wasn't 100% happy with where it was. I've been actively working on attachment games and activities. Even though we're well enough attached to each other already, I realized there is always room for improvement. Over the last 2 weeks, I have noticed a marked increase in the ease and physicality of our relationship.
And today it manifested in spades. Little Bug and I had a wonderful day filled with choo choos, animals, and more choo choos. All throughout the day we would turn to me and flash this radiant smile...not directed at whatever we were doing or seeing, but a smile clearly just for me. He would crawl on me and hug me for no reason. He spent nearly an hour dragging me from toy to toy, wanting only to play with me.
And better yet, I loved every second of it. It was hot, crowded, tiring, and done all without Appa, and I didn't look at the clock once. I enjoyed every moment of my role as mother today. That's been happening a lot lately, too.
Tomorrow might suck and I might want to tell my kid to "shut up" again, but those days will happen no matter what. I just don't want to forget today...ever.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Shut Up
Little Bug has taken a liking to the front seat of our car and the keys. Last weekend Appa let him play "pretend driver" in our car, and although this was not the first time he has played this game, Little Bug acted like he was some possessed kid on crack. It was so funny and so very odd after a solid 10 minutes of mania.
Since then, Little Bug has M-E-L-T-E-D D-O-W-N every time we go out to the car and his horrible mama forces him into his car seat. The keys in the ignition are basically the cruelest taunt to him, and he wails and signs "please" for at least the first 2 minutes of each car ride.
It's awesome.
Last night, after an afternoon of everything being a little off, I drove the 8 minutes drive home from the big box store with Little Bug yelling (not crying) the whole time about the blasted keys. I even had to use my loud, forceful voice, which I have only ever used a handful of times with him....to no avail other than making me feel worse. When I parked in our driveway and tried to get him out of his car seat instead of giving him the keys (yelling doesn't equal getting privileges, which he knows), he got right in my face and started screaming in my ear...about the stupid keys.
I whipped my head around and formed the words.......
"SHUT UP."
Yes, I was actually going to tell my 2.5-year-old to shut up. Forcefully. Right in his chubby baby face. With the lips that I kiss him goodnight with.
Thankfully, as the first sound began to come out of my mouth, I bit my tongue and took a deep breath. Saying that wouldn't have been appropriate, kind, loving, or a good example....all things I should be as a mother.
Instead, I told him (again) that his behavior was not appropriate, took him inside, and let him wail it out on his own until some stickers caught his eye and the keys were forgotten until this morning.
Even though I didn't actually say it, I felt bad that it even almost happened. What kind of mama tells her child to shut up?
Since then, Little Bug has M-E-L-T-E-D D-O-W-N every time we go out to the car and his horrible mama forces him into his car seat. The keys in the ignition are basically the cruelest taunt to him, and he wails and signs "please" for at least the first 2 minutes of each car ride.
It's awesome.
Last night, after an afternoon of everything being a little off, I drove the 8 minutes drive home from the big box store with Little Bug yelling (not crying) the whole time about the blasted keys. I even had to use my loud, forceful voice, which I have only ever used a handful of times with him....to no avail other than making me feel worse. When I parked in our driveway and tried to get him out of his car seat instead of giving him the keys (yelling doesn't equal getting privileges, which he knows), he got right in my face and started screaming in my ear...about the stupid keys.
I whipped my head around and formed the words.......
"SHUT UP."
Yes, I was actually going to tell my 2.5-year-old to shut up. Forcefully. Right in his chubby baby face. With the lips that I kiss him goodnight with.
Thankfully, as the first sound began to come out of my mouth, I bit my tongue and took a deep breath. Saying that wouldn't have been appropriate, kind, loving, or a good example....all things I should be as a mother.
Instead, I told him (again) that his behavior was not appropriate, took him inside, and let him wail it out on his own until some stickers caught his eye and the keys were forgotten until this morning.
Even though I didn't actually say it, I felt bad that it even almost happened. What kind of mama tells her child to shut up?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Flower Power
Last night, as I sat barefoot on the grass at the botanical gardens in a work dress listening to a sub par 60s cover band while my child gnawed on a giant pickle, I fancied myself a bit of a hippie nowadays. Little Bug and I are dining alfresco while enjoying outdoor concerts at least once, often twice a week. I've embraced the "dirt is our friend and not our enemy" to the extreme. I didn't even wash my hair yesterday (although that was not something I was happy about). *
And I am wearing my 37 lbs child...everywhere.
I never paid attention to baby wearing before becoming a mom. It's a great tool for attachment, so it became a priority for us, although when Little Bug got home, he spent more time working on tummy muscles than riding aboobah. We used our carrier for the occasional outing with great success, but it's only been in the last month that I have started LOVING wearing my child.
I wear him everywhere. Into the big box stores when I could be using a cart. Into the library. All around the botanical gardens. I love the intimate interaction and the comfort he seems to feel on my back. When he rests his tiny head on my back or lightly grasps my arms as he watches the world around him from the safety of my back, I just feel so happy...so connected to him.....so his mom.
I have noticed a marked increase in his affection toward me since I started wearing him more. He has often maintained distance with me, partly, I think, because I am the therapy slave driver and boundary enforcer and other people are in his life only to play with him. It's always stung to see me passed over for a different lap, a different side.
Last night, instead of sitting on the grass like he normally does, he crawled into my lap and ate his dinner from that perch. He even lounged back and laid his head on my reclined chest a number of times. He was so content to be with me.
When he was done I took him to the train garden, but all he really wanted was to be back aboobah. So he rejected the choo choos for me, snuggled into my back, and we walked for an hour exploring parts of the garden that are less accessible for little feet......all the while listening to hippie music wafting through the air.
*Reading this back, I probably have a pretty offensive stereotyping of hippies going on. Good thing they are all about love. No offense is meant to those who love the flower power. It's just not my thing.
And I am wearing my 37 lbs child...everywhere.
I never paid attention to baby wearing before becoming a mom. It's a great tool for attachment, so it became a priority for us, although when Little Bug got home, he spent more time working on tummy muscles than riding aboobah. We used our carrier for the occasional outing with great success, but it's only been in the last month that I have started LOVING wearing my child.
I wear him everywhere. Into the big box stores when I could be using a cart. Into the library. All around the botanical gardens. I love the intimate interaction and the comfort he seems to feel on my back. When he rests his tiny head on my back or lightly grasps my arms as he watches the world around him from the safety of my back, I just feel so happy...so connected to him.....so his mom.
I have noticed a marked increase in his affection toward me since I started wearing him more. He has often maintained distance with me, partly, I think, because I am the therapy slave driver and boundary enforcer and other people are in his life only to play with him. It's always stung to see me passed over for a different lap, a different side.
Last night, instead of sitting on the grass like he normally does, he crawled into my lap and ate his dinner from that perch. He even lounged back and laid his head on my reclined chest a number of times. He was so content to be with me.
When he was done I took him to the train garden, but all he really wanted was to be back aboobah. So he rejected the choo choos for me, snuggled into my back, and we walked for an hour exploring parts of the garden that are less accessible for little feet......all the while listening to hippie music wafting through the air.
*Reading this back, I probably have a pretty offensive stereotyping of hippies going on. Good thing they are all about love. No offense is meant to those who love the flower power. It's just not my thing.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Late for Work, Again
I was 5 minutes late for work today....again. More often than not, I'm a little late for work, although because I get in before most people and can stay late to make up the time, it's not a huge deal.
The reason I am usually late, however, IS a big deal.
I watch my kid while he sleeps.
After I get up and get about half way through my morning routine (and this is on a good day when my routine is working), I end up gravitating back toward my bed and to the warm little baby cuddled in the middle (yes, we are still closet co-sleepers). I lay down on the very edge of the bed and put my face right next to his. I stroke his hair or his pudgy cheek or the little sliver of belly protruding from his jammies. I don't think of much during those 5-10 minutes I am "wasting"...
...other than that spending time staring at the most amazing miracle in my life for 10 minutes I should be using to get ready for work is absolutely not a waste of my time.
The reason I am usually late, however, IS a big deal.
I watch my kid while he sleeps.
After I get up and get about half way through my morning routine (and this is on a good day when my routine is working), I end up gravitating back toward my bed and to the warm little baby cuddled in the middle (yes, we are still closet co-sleepers). I lay down on the very edge of the bed and put my face right next to his. I stroke his hair or his pudgy cheek or the little sliver of belly protruding from his jammies. I don't think of much during those 5-10 minutes I am "wasting"...
...other than that spending time staring at the most amazing miracle in my life for 10 minutes I should be using to get ready for work is absolutely not a waste of my time.
Friday, July 30, 2010
A Timeline for Perfection
2:45 pm: My bestie Ali(ce) is able to get online for the first time in a week, and we chat about my upcoming visit. I missed her.
3 pm: I begin to read about practical ways busy parents can build "sensory diets" for children with sensory processing issues....I have an "aHA" moment and feel recommitted and hopeful.
4:30 pm: Little Bug's PT tells me out of the blue she is putting in an order for arch support and graduating Little Bug from his bulky, cumbersome leg braces. We talk at length about foot muscles and how my kid is rocking them. Hello, totally unexpected and awesome upcoming quality-of-life upgrade!
5 pm: I call my mom because Appa is on a plane. I literally MUST tell someone this news. She is thrilled.
5:30 pm: I actually "cook" dinner at home. I pat myself on the back for being such a "with it" mama.
6 pm: Little Bug decides today would be a good day to walk up the stairs by himself (while holding onto the railing and shocking his mother speechless). We practice approx. 10 times with mama spotting, but not needing to actually help.
6:02 pm: We determine going down stairs is best saved for another day.
6:15-7:30 pm: Little Bug and I have such fun doing simple sensory activities like diving onto piles of pillows and racing our kitchen chairs around.
8:30 pm: A slumbering Little Bug wakes up when I leave his room to greet Appa home from his week long travels. Little Bug patters to the door, opens it, and is met with his beloved dada--his calm, joyful, content, surprised smile at seeing Appa standing at the door will forever be seared into my brain. Click.
8:35 pm: I open my e-mail to find one of the nicest love letters from my husband. Ever.
9:30 pm: My husband makes me Ramen because I forgot to eat dinner. I whisper "fighting!" and he looks at me like I am nuts. Wine is my friend.
9:50 pm: We fall asleep cuddling on the couch.
3 pm: I begin to read about practical ways busy parents can build "sensory diets" for children with sensory processing issues....I have an "aHA" moment and feel recommitted and hopeful.
4:30 pm: Little Bug's PT tells me out of the blue she is putting in an order for arch support and graduating Little Bug from his bulky, cumbersome leg braces. We talk at length about foot muscles and how my kid is rocking them. Hello, totally unexpected and awesome upcoming quality-of-life upgrade!
5 pm: I call my mom because Appa is on a plane. I literally MUST tell someone this news. She is thrilled.
5:30 pm: I actually "cook" dinner at home. I pat myself on the back for being such a "with it" mama.
6 pm: Little Bug decides today would be a good day to walk up the stairs by himself (while holding onto the railing and shocking his mother speechless). We practice approx. 10 times with mama spotting, but not needing to actually help.
6:02 pm: We determine going down stairs is best saved for another day.
6:15-7:30 pm: Little Bug and I have such fun doing simple sensory activities like diving onto piles of pillows and racing our kitchen chairs around.
8:30 pm: A slumbering Little Bug wakes up when I leave his room to greet Appa home from his week long travels. Little Bug patters to the door, opens it, and is met with his beloved dada--his calm, joyful, content, surprised smile at seeing Appa standing at the door will forever be seared into my brain. Click.
8:35 pm: I open my e-mail to find one of the nicest love letters from my husband. Ever.
9:30 pm: My husband makes me Ramen because I forgot to eat dinner. I whisper "fighting!" and he looks at me like I am nuts. Wine is my friend.
9:50 pm: We fall asleep cuddling on the couch.
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