A Well Dressed Sin Son

They say vanity is a sin, but does it count if the vanity is not for yourself?

I have an admitted problem with clothing. Not for myself. Nope, I have no problem wearing the Target-brand special to work or a suit I have had for years. (Don't get me wrong, my favorite clothing store is decidedly NOT Target, but it's too expensive for me to enjoy more than once a year, and I made peace with that long ago.)

No, my problem is Little Bug clothes. Before I was a mom, I spouted off all sorts of stuff about how I was more than willing to take hand-me downs, that my child would wear whatever was clean, and that I understood that he was a baby and not a magazine model. All valid things.

Then I took a look at the baby boy clothing options. Umm, have you seen what is out there lately!?!

The majority of boy clothing is in pastels (which remind me of a 80's-era newborn), cartoons (I am trying not to commercialize our child in every way possible), stupid sayings like "Chicks Dig Poop" or "Daddy's Lil Tough Guy" (which are just stupid because these are babies, not contestant on VH1's Tool Academy), or the obligatory cartoonish/cuteish bear/truck/car/monster/dinosaur/airplane etc. (which I find really boring and very cheesy). And sweatpants. I HATE sweatpants. What's a Little Boy Mama to do?

I think most Mamas suck it up and try to find a balance. Me, I surprised even myself with my refusal to do that. I think deep down I felt like I had waited SO long for my baby, gosh darn it, I was going to enjoy dressing him.

So, if I don't like it, my kid doesn't wear it. I'm serious. Gift or no gift, hand-me down or no hand-me down, on super clearance or not on super clearance, if I don't like it, my kid isn't wearing it.

Now, this approach has not come without its share of problems. First, the bank account doesn't love the fact that I will seek out new clothes (bonus of adopting Little Bro: already has a total wardrobe, so I like to think of these clothes as an investment; Appa does not share this view). I've had exceptional success in the Target clearance racks where a lot of the neat retro shirts and polos and basics end up on clearance. It takes a bit of digging, and often buying whatever larger size they have, but I've got a lot of nice clothes to last me for the next few years at $1-$3. In fact, the majority of clothes he is wearing now at 2T were purchased last year. Go me!

In addition, I have a reputation in my family of being that mom who you never buy baby clothes for because the gift will go to waste if I don't like it. My poor mother in law recently had to call Appa to see if I would be willing to let Little Bug wear a Hawaiian shirt she wanted to bring back from Hawaii (I was totally mortified when Appa actually had to ask me because he wasn't sure if I would say yes and even more mortified when I actually had to think about it for a second). I'm not proud of this and attempted to hide it from my family for a while, but the word is out. It's getting easier as Little Bug (who in actuality is a VERY BIG bug for his age) is growing into toddler sizes where there is slightly less vomitious selections to choose from. You can never go wrong with a polo (unless it is in pastels, or has a cartoon on the bottom left, or….). I'm not saying I don’t like monsters or cars or trucks or things like that. Little Bug is getting to the age where he can start to identify things on his body (his attempts to put on his shoes and socks [ggnnness and ooaags] are priceless), but I have a very definite style for the graphics, which makes it nearly impossible for anyone to accurately pin me down.

I'm so not proud of this, but honestly, I don't see it stopping any time soon. I love dressing my son; I love taking pictures of him wearing cute things; and I love people telling me how well dressed he is. I'm a pretty good mom, so I am allowing myself this indulgence.

So, I guess the moral of the story is to buy Little Bug a book if you are looking for a present for him. And yes, I am pretty sure vanity is still a sin. I'm working on it…sort of.

Ahh, what the heck

Life is too short, and kids are too special to split hairs. I went out on my lunch break and bought it.

I'm gonna be Little Bro's Mama.....someday!

Until then, I will hide this away (literally, I am going to hide this from Appa), and take it out when I need to spend a special moment thinking about my youngest son.

A little spotted blanket with an elephant and a bird

Apparently I should never utter or write the words "ovaries are screaming" ever again.

Babies, specifically my future baby Little Bro, have been on the brain for the last few days. It's probably because people all around me are pregnant or waiting for a referral or waiting to travel, traveling etc. Refreshingly, unlike previous boughts of "Baby Brain," this one does not come with the intense urge to lock myself in my bedroom and cry my freaking eyes out while watching Jennifer Garner's character in "Juno." Instead, it's a truly all-around exciting time that I can’t help but get caught up in.

I think only mothers who have been in the adoption process can understand when I say I feel "pregnant" already. In my head, we are expecting a baby, and my mind is preparing as such. I don't often use that term, "paper pregnant" or whatever else, but the feelings behind theses phrases are very real.

So, tonight I went to Target, as I do 3-4 times a week. I can never help but go to the baby aisles to check out what new styling clothes I need for Little Bug. I always end up taking the route that takes me past the infant receiving aisle, you know that one, the one with soft blankets and onsies and gift packages that say "Our Newest Miracle" or "Hello World, I Have Arrived." There is one particular blanket that I take off the shelf every time and hold. It's the softest, cutest thing I have ever seen; and I desperately want it for Little Bro. There was only one left, and a quick Google search tells me that it's not something I will be able to readily find later.

However, I have plenty of soft blankets that are sitting unused. I apparently have a fondness for these sorts of things, because I HAD to have a number of specific ones for Little Bug, most of which he could care less about. The blanket that called to me hardcore last time was one that I couldn't convince myself to buy, so Little Bug's godmother bought it for him, and it traveled to Korea with us. Little Bug was unimpressed. Yet, the compulsion as I was holding that little blanket to buy it for Little Bro--buy SOMETHING special and specific for Little Bro to prove to myself that yes, he WILL one day be in my arms--was so strong that I had to war with myself for a solid minute before putting it back.

It just isn't time for that yet.

WooEEE. I've been so laid back about our second adoption, and for some reason it is starting to bubble up again…that adoption fervor. I'm trying valiantly to gently push it back down for the time being. I have a lot of things I need to happen before Little Bro comes around (Little Bug walking, seeing some of my friends welcome their babies home, seeing my BFF pop out Baby V, etc.) Maybe once those things happen I will allow myself to start working back into "Paper Pregnancy" mode. And honestly, the thought of having two babies right now scares the living crap out of me. It helps when I remind myself of that.

As for that little blanket, the plan for now is not to buy it, but as it is the LAST one, and as it is really just SO cute, I can't guarantee it won't be in my cart if I see it again.

My Boys

Appa is the youngest of three kids. He has had relatively little experience with small children (before his own, of course). Appa didn't dislike kids...he just didn't really care about them one way or the other.

Me? Well, my hypothetical ovaries (because my real ones don't really play nice) were screaming "baby, baby, baby" since I pretty much was old enough to spell ovaries.

Anyway. Appa is a gentle, calm, and fair man, so I knew he would make a good father, but I often wondered if he would enjoy being a dad. Even after we got our referral, he was always so even about his excitement. I sometimes worried that maybe he would be one of those distant fathers who doles out punishments and considers teach a child to play a sport competitively quality time.

The came the first hours after we took custody of Little Bug....and Appa started HOGGING him. He couldn't keep his eyes and hands off him. He was using the word "son" constantly just because I think he liked the way it sounded. We spent the 13 hour flight home fighting over who got to change Little Bug's diaper and hold him as our arms fell asleep.

That has never changed. Appa and Little Bug have had a strong connection from that first moment. Appa is distraught if he can't see Little Bug before he goes to bed and tells him that he loves him about as much as a couple of teen sweethearts would.

Appa is in love. Little Bug is in love.

And I'm in love with them both.

One of the only things that comes close to the joy I feel when I see Little Bug's face light up in a smile is when that smile is being matched by my husband.

Baby Bumper Blues (say that 3 times fast)

Oh, sob--my baby is growing up.

Long before Little Bug was even a picture in a frame, I had picked out my perfect baby bedding. It was the one and only baby item I purchased pre-referral. It's colorful, multi-textured, bright, educational, and stinking cute. I love it.

Little Bug loved it from the first moment he touched it (picture above). Even today, we often find him easing into his mornings by cooing and petting his crib bumpers.

Most people take the crib bumpers out before their kids turn one, but since Little Bug wasn't mobile for so long, we never had to worry about it. However, in the last few days Little Bug has started trying to climb into his crib. He's nowhere near able to yet, but the intent is there. It's just a matter of time before he makes the connection that he can use this trick to get out.

So today when I was changing his crib sheet I made the spur of the moment decision to leave the bumpers out of the crib. Little Bug hasn't seemed to notice much, but I was pretty sad because it just is one more way that I am seeing my baby is a big boy now.

And the bumper is just so cute. I will miss it until it's time for Little Bro.

The Unintended Road, Part II

Well, not really, but that title just sort of stuck with me.

First, thanks for the comments on the last few posts. After I posted my little missive, I was a little overwrought with whether or not I had been too truthful, or whether I had accurately conveyed that while I was feeling the things I was feeling, I truly AM happy exactly where I am (which, at this moment, happens to be listening to Classical Baby and the background sounds of Appa and Little Bug snoring away in a much fought for nap).

However, I've also been thinking a lot more since that post, and I've come up with a lot of other parts of my life that have changed in the last year....unintended changes, if you will. All of them are positive too, which is nice.

Today I am moved to write about one. Little Bro.

I've probably not mentioned Little Bro before because he currently lives in my heart and perhaps is starting to live in his birthmother's womb, although I cannot be sure about that (see previous post about no longer placing dates on things outside my control).

One year ago, Appa and I had a plan. This plan included loving on Little Bug like there was no tomorrow and putting in our application for our next adoption as soon as we could (which was 6 month ago, today, hence why it's on my mind).

Only one year ago, Little Bro was Little Sis.

I'm dead serious when I say that I need to be the mother to a daughter. It's this huge, not-so-secret wish of mine. I need to be knee deep in ribbons and lace and sugar and spice and everything nice. So, it was a given that our next adoption would be requesting a girl.

Then that pesky "gut feeling" of mine started rearing its gutty-head. (I say gut, but I'm also well aware that it is something much more divine than that...it's just hard for me to really know what that is right now.) I would dream of two little BOYS playing together. Constantly. I had trouble imagining Little Bug with Little Sis, and I would get a bad feeling whenever I would tell myself to "shake this off."

Oh man, I was PISSED.

I want a girl soooo badly, and yet, we had always thought we would adopt three kids, two boys and a girl....just not in that order.

Or apparently, exactly in that order. Finally, I mentioned to Appa that I had been feeling that perhaps--I couldn't believe I was going to say it--we should apply for another boy instead of a girl, which he was fine with. Still, I struggled with this dream I didn't want to let go of at that moment.

Yet, when the time came to put in our application and we checked "either" (which in our agency's lingo = boy), I cried tears of joy. It felt right. This unintended road we were embarking on was exactly the right road for us.

So, 6 months later, and I am thinking of my second son and excited to see him someday. I fantasize about my two little boys playing together and of being that mama with two boys. Heck, I am still clueless about raising one boy, but I am thrilled to see what it's like to raise two. Truly, I am tickled blue about it.

And Little Sis? Oh, she is still here, wrapped in soft pink wishes in my heart. I know I'll see her someday, somewhere, somehow.

And if I don't? It will be because that pesky gut told me no. If that is the case, I will respect that....and then go play with some trucks.

Every day Should be Family Day

This morning I was purposely late for work because I wanted to have a few moments of cuddle time with my Little Bug on his Family Day and give him his gift from Korea.

My heart literally wants to jump out of my body when I think too hard about how much I love him. I want to sing it from the hilltops (or at least proclaim it on every social networking avenue I have and tell everyone I meet). Some days are hard, but man, some days are EASY, and today is one of those days.

I think my elation is from the fact that I am really taking the time to think about Little Bug and how blessed we are to have him and how much I love him. It's not that date, but the meaning that gives me such a Mama High.

I'm going to strive to make a little bit of every day a Family Day.