Little Bug's foster family has always been a big presence in our lives. We got the unique chance to spend a significant amount of time with them while we were in Korea, not just interacting with Little Bug, but together as adults. I'll never forget sitting on the floor as our social worker translated all the things the foster family had brought and made for our son, sobbing as she pulled out a little white baby gown, mits, and socks tied with a green bow that she told us was the outfit he had come to them in, lovingly preserved. A tangible symbol of how much he was loved and cherished from the moment he entered their home. Little Bug's foster mother gave me (another) tissue and grabbed my hand, holding it tightly as our hearts both broke and rejoiced. That was the moment when I knew this woman and her family were going to be part of our lives forever.
Since then we have shared pictures and e-mails and gifts and messages. They've cheered Little Bug on through all this therapy, sending messages of encouragement and pride. They've even met Little Bro (in passing at the agency)! We've had a chance to see and share the joys their family has continued to experience.
They are, in every way but blood (and that seems so insignificant anyway), family to us.
Last weekend they sent us a video that was aired on Korean television promoting fostering. It was a "Day in the Life" video of their family. Appa, Little Bug, and I excitedly watched it over breakfast.
Within the first 2 minutes tears were rolling down my face. It was so overwhelming to see Little Bug's first home "in action" instead of just in pictures. To recognize the toys and clothes and pillows and couches and green tub from his pictures. To see the outside of the building I have always wondered about.
Within 5 minutes I was openly crying. Pictures of Little Bug were popping up all over the place, both as a focus and in the background. It was clear that his family still had pictures of him (and their other babies) all over their home. Especially touching were the number of pictures from our home...proving that their love and interest didn't end the day he left them.
Within 7 minutes, around the point where the video showed a picture book I had sent as a gift, I was trying hard to stifle the sobs that were threatening. Little Bug was starting to look at me oddly.
At 10 minutes, when the video ended, I excused myself and went and sat on my bathroom floor and sobbed, racking sobs that shook my body. It was overwhelming to see the places and people that made up so much of the first year of my son's life, but to see the continued heartbreak these people who I love face willingly, over and over, was too much for me to bear that morning.
It was inspiring and terribly sad and an amazing gift.
It also opened up a raw nerve that has been tingling for months, ever since Little Bro's foster family send us their gift of pictures. I've poured over those pictures and videos, and while I love the ones of Little Bro, the ones that speak most to me are the (hundreds) family candids. The love Little Bro's foster family feels for him as a son is evident....and very reminiscent of Little Bug's foster family. Watching this video, I saw Little Bro's foster mother's daily life, her commitment and total devotion to this little boy she knows she has to say good bye to. And she does it anyway.
And it kills me to know what's coming for her. Not only the moment of the goodbye, but the weeks and months after. It's been making me ill for months when I think about it.
There's nothing I can do about it, really. I can't stop the pain from coming, but I can make sure she never has to feel the pain of the unknown once he leaves her. This quote from Little Bug's foster mother comes to mind:
"I always speak with my husband that being a foster mom is a blessing to me. ...One day i hope that I can meet these children again. Because I want to say to them, "Thank you for growing up well.""
In just a few+ months, she will finally get her first chance to see one of her babies again when we bring Little Bug back to Korea. I'm so excited about that. Although continuing a relationship with my sons' foster families is important for them, it's equally as important as a way to honor these families and the sacrifice they have made.
And, quite simply, I love them, and I want them to know that.
And now I'm sobbing. A beautiful gift.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteI am a complete mess after this post. Absolutely beautiful... you voiced so many feelings I have pinging around in my head. But much more beautifully than I ever could have done myself.
ReplyDeleteI know very well the ill feeling you are talking about, as I had it for 6 months before we went to get Matthew....and to be totally honest, for at least 6 months after. Having contact with these families is a rare gift, but it is also a view into the pain and grief they live with after saying goodbye. They don't just "get over it" and anyone who thinks that is absurd. I still get emails from Matthew's Foster family and they tell me that at every holiday gathering they discuss him, they reminisce about vacations together, etc. But it is like Little Bug's FM said, what a gift to see them grow up happy and well. That's what it's all about. Thank God for these families, is all I can say.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. Although we're *still* in the waiting-for-referral phase, I'm already overwhelmed when I think about what these foster families do for our children. I can't think of a way to adequately express the gratitude and love I already have for our child's foster family. I pray that we are given the blessing of an ongoing relationship with the family. I can think of few things that would be more meaningful to our family.
ReplyDeleteI understand. We are also in contact with Ashers foster family. I can remember the pain the his fm had the day she placed him in my arms forever. I had gotten an email from the daughter and she said they miss him very much and are very sad. I know they still love and think of him. He is their family.
ReplyDeleteThey do this becuase they are special people. They love the children. I think as long as we can confirm through emails, blogs, pictures that their children are happy it helps the pain. I hope that we and you all get to share the same type of relationship this time. Hang in there. What you are feeling is ok.
Beautiful post. They are amazing people who we and our children are lucky to have in our lives.
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