More to Love

For a long time I have been really panicked when I think about having two children. Sure, the massive pile of diapers and the nighttime serenades of dueling crying babies is stressful to imagine, but honestly, the deepest worry was if I could really love a second child like I love Little Bug. Little Bug is such a special child, and my love for him has developed in such a special way that I worry sometimes that my love for Little Bro will be appropriate, but maybe just not quite as much as my love for my first born.

Seriously, how could I love two children equally and be all-consumed by them both?

Before we got our referrals, we would say "I love you" in messages, but those words were merely promises, not actual declarations. I loved the idea of him, the construction of a child I held in my heart. Even after we got Little Bug's referral, the pictures of the child we had been waiting years for, we loved the picture of the boy, the idea of him, the essence of him, but still, he could have been taken from us, and we would have moved on with the clarity that he was never really ours to begin with. We loved the idea, the image, the promise; we couldn't, however, love the soul we did not know.

Since accepting Little Bro's referral, I have felt a shift very different from our waiting post-referral with Little Bug. Little Bro feels more like a (my) real child and less like a picture. I think this is in part due to his brother, who is living proof to us that pictures really do equal children and part to the fact that we are going to have more communication (well, one-sided) with Little Bro before he comes home. We are sending him videos of us and pictures of us. Somewhere, on the other side of the world, a little boy is going to see the video of Little Bug doing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and laugh the same laugh that he will one day laugh when he is sitting on my lap singing the same song. We are going to see videos of him playing and breathing and growing and wearing clothing we sent to him. He is not a myth, not just an image.

More importantly, I feel my heart expanding. When I think of being a mother, I think of both my boys. Sure, I love Little Bug with an intensity that realistically cannot be rivaled with a child I have never called MINE and meant it, but I've been surprised at just how naturally maternal I feel toward Little Bro without feeling like it's all just sweet lip service. My love and concern and hopes for Little Bro don't seem to compete with the love and concern and hopes I have for Little Bug. They both feel very real to me.

Instead of my heart feeling full or tight, it actually feels more open and expanding. I know that my love for Little Bro is nothing compared to what it will be like when we are truly his family, but I feel much more confident that I can love two children equally and deeply.

And with my two big boys...there is just more of them to love.