As It Should Be

In the back of my mind, in the tiny spot I try to keep shut up, I wondered how I would react when the number we had with our old agency came up; what I would feel when I saw the picture of the child that would have been ours had we kept to our original plan and not accepted Little Bro's referral. I'm not sure what exactly I was worried about feeling, but I was worried about my reaction. I feel guilty for going there, but I think it is probably a pretty natural curiosity.

Luckily, I'll never really know because more than one number came up yesterday, making it impossible to know for sure which child would have been matched to our family had our specific file still been in line.

But as for the pictures that I did see....I felt a whole lot of nadda. Sure, I was THRILLED for those families and totally enamored with their beautiful children, but that was all it was....reactions to their joy and THEIR sons. Perhaps I was secretly worried that I would see one of the pictures and think "Oh my God, that was supposed to be my son. I've made a huge mistake."

But of course, none of that came because I didn't make a huge mistake and those kids were not meant to be my son. The head trip your brain can take you on is nothing compared to the truth your heart can provide you. The feelings I had when I first saw Little Bro's picture were something rare and special and I knew it was right then, and I know it is right now.

Especially this morning when, out of the blue, a new picture showed up in my inbox. And the reaction that I was lacking when looking at the children of the other families....

Oh, it was there in SPADES when I saw my son's face again.