Patience.
This word has been my mantra for years. I have it in a beautiful gold necklace in hangul; I breath it to myself as I am counting to 10; I roll it around in my head when my heart gets overly jumpy.
At work when I am evaluated, the same comment comes up over and over. You're so patient. Unfortunately, I sometimes seem to use up all my patience at work, leaving less for my husband and son, the two people who deserve it the most.
Lately I've been losing my patience more and more with Little Bug. I can make excuses for myself and say it's due to lack of sleep (I don't function well when I am sleep deprived), or due to the stress of our crazy silverware training that doesn't seem like a big deal but it actually emotionally killing me a little each day (watching the 16 month olds scoop circles around my 2 year old every afternoon on my lunch break is hard to swallow, especially as I walk away from said hysterical, head banging child), or due to the lingering effects of all of our illnesses (I didn't blog much last week because I was sick AGAIN), or due to the bad weather that is keeping us cooped up in the evenings, or due to the crazy work stress I have right now.
Those are all factors in my life right now, but they are also just excuses. I'm Little Bug's mom, and he deserves to be above all that other stuff.
It's hard. So hard. He's so challenging right now as he fights back more and understands more and more about what he wants and does not want and can (like physically) and cannot have. He's two and he's going through a development phase and he has needs. It's expected that he is going to hit and yell and cry and throw a fit. In the midst of this, we need to be setting boundaries, and that job usually falls to me, as Appa likes to fall into the roll of "good cop," leaving me inevitably to play the roll of "bad cop."
It's not like I scream at him or hit him or throw him around. But do I count to 10 before I say "NO" in my "loud, stern voice?" Not always. This morning Appa brought Little Bug into our bed a half hour early because he was crying and woke up early. Appa had a very late night and needed the sleep, but Little Bug was ready to play and cuddle with his Appa (he doesn't cuddle with me in the mornings very often…something that hurts my feelings tremendously). Appa needed the sleep, so he asked me to hold Little Bug. Of course, Little Bug only wanted Appa.
So I put him back in his crib and let him cry for 20 minutes. In Appa's sleepy haze, he said "I just don't get why is he being punished?"
Sigh. Why? Because his Mama had no patience at 5:30 this morning (and was maybe a little put out by the not wanting to cuddle thing). And that's not cool. So, I got up and we played and had fun, but I've felt guilty all morning.
So, for the next few days, I am going to wear my necklace each day and focus all of my "famous patience" everyone else thinks I have on my son, the one who deserves it the most.
5:30 tomorrow morning, here I come.
I'm sending a big hug to you. We've all been there (or will be there one day). I can't even imagine the amount of patience needed to get through Battle Silverware... I think you're doing a great job.
ReplyDeletehugs to you. i just can't imagine having the therapy on top of all the regular 2 year old stuff. you are greatly admired, friend - for many, many things, but one of them being your honesty.
ReplyDeletei don't say this in the way that some people say that adopted children are lucky to have you, blah, blah, blah - if you know what i mean. but i truly think that little bug is blessed to have you as his mama. take care, and when is that vacation??!!
Cori, I keep forgetting you have this blog. I can totally relate to everything you said in this post. Bottom line, even though being a mom is the best job in the world, it is NOT easy. Little Bug will get through Battle Silerware, but I know how hard it can be to try not to compare to other kids. And the sleep deprivation thing can be rough!!! Especially when you are working full time and using up patience on other people. Hang in there, and know that we've all been there. You are doing a great job and you're a great mom. I've found that a glass of wine (when the kids are in bed) helps too:).
ReplyDeleteTwo is a challenge no matter what. Throw Battle Silverware in there and things must be ezponentially harder. We all lose our patience. I had to sit both of my boys down the other night and apologize for raising my voice (repeatedly) that day. Unfortunately, none of us are perfect and all we can do is own up to our mistakes and vow to do better next time. You're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteCori, you are in the top 1% of moms and just the fact that you are able to reflect back on what you wish you'd done a little differently that day confirms this. It's not easy, and like everyone has said Battle Silverware sounds incredibly trying. I can't even imagine. I respect you so much for what you do and how you do it. I also agree that a glass of wine every once in a while seems like a *very* good idea.
ReplyDeleteCori, I go through those same feelings and the guilt is so overwhelming. I cry because I wasn't as patient as I should have been or I let a 3 1/2 year old get the best of me. Then I apologize and know that tomorrow is another day. Fortunately for us moms, little ones are super forgiving and don't seem to hold a grudge. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. Where will we actually be when they become teenagers?! UGH!!
ReplyDeleteI have felt this way more than a few times. I agree with Sue too, it's hard enough to deal with a 2 year old...but to have a smart little guy that WANTS to do more and has extra work to get it done is bound to be stressful for everyone.
ReplyDeleteHang in there...
I totally understand this post with a very active little boy who is testing his limits with Mommy. I hear NO Mama & STOP quite frequently and have been running short on patience lately. I can relate to the excuses of work, lack of sleep etc as well. (On those crabby lack of sleep days, I feel like Sandra Bullock's character in crash where she says she is tired of being angry all the time.) Although I am not angry all the time, those lack of patience days feel like I am angry all the time. So I have been working on my patience at home in order to be a better mom & wife. Here is hoping little bug slept later today. (Doyle slept until after 6am, which beats his Tuesday morning wake up at 5AM!!)
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