I'm Alive and Going to Work

I'm strong enough to go back to work tomorrow. Honestly, it can't come at a better time. I've been out of work for a full week now, and it's be killing me. Sure, I've been doing some work from home, but it's hard to stay focused at home when the allure of a certain Korean drama is calling my name. I could have clocked 25 hours of work, or I could have watched the full 25 hour series.

I'm happy to report my priorities are in line, and I have a huge crush on Joon Pyo now, even if he is a bit of a wanny pants (but oh, he does look nice in those pants).

But tomorrow I go back to the working world. This week has made me think a lot about being a working mom versus a stay at home mom. I have a strong desire to be both, but that's not in the cards for me right now. So, I had to make the choice. (I want to acknowledge that I consider myself very luck to have the choice to work or stay home. I know not everyone has that choice.)

For me, I've never done well staying home. During my job hunting searches I ended up watching way too many TV series on DVD, spending too much time online, and generally not showering with any sense of urgency. I think part of the problem is that I didn't strive to make a schedule because I knew I would be going to work eventually.

The same thing happened to some extent when Little Bug came home. I only got 6 weeks with Little Bug (which I do not think was enough time; I've already told my work I am taking the full 8-12 weeks off for Little Bro). I didn't bother with a schedule for "me" because I knew that situation was temporary, too.

These experiences have left me scared out of my mind to stay at home for any extended period of time. I think if I was going to do the SAHM thing now, I would plan better to avoid some of the blah I traditionally fall into. I'd build in friends and sunshine and down time and cleaning time. I might even cook a proper dinner. Or maybe I can just say that because I don't have to put my money where my mouth is.

The honest truth is that I like my job. This year is a huge one for my career; my resume and portfolio are really going to expand. I've always thought that I would like to work from home or freelance while still taking care of my kids, but the reality is that sort of thing takes a lot of experience, experience I am still building. To leave now (or more accurate, to leave when Little Bro comes home) would be leaving just before achieving skills and titles I have been working hard to acquire. When I think about quitting, I get really panicky.

Unfortunately, our choice of schools for our sons is not cheap. I don't regret that for a second, but on an editor's salary, putting two kids in that kind of place basically eats up my entire salary (actually, when you figure in the higher tax bracket my income puts us into, we actually lose a substantial sum of money).

So I will soon find myself in the peculiar situation of working solely to fund my kids' school tuition. In fact, to cover to loss, we would have to tighten up a bit. On those days when all I want to do is cuddle with my kid in the morning and take him on a walk after breakfast or join my friends on a play date, that is a bitter pill to swallow.

But then there are those moments when I am sitting at my desk with my green pencil and a supreme sense of satisfaction at the marked up copy in front of me or when my input helps shape the essence of a publication that I truly think, "how can I give this up?"

I can't. Not until I have to. Make no mistake, if my kids needed me home, I would drop it all in an instant and walk home barefoot to be with them forever--happily and gratefully. But until then, for our family, the pros outweigh the cons.

In our home, a happy mama = a happy, better run family. I might not have time to cook a lot or clean much, but I come home from work with an inner balance that I can pass on to my son and husband. Everyone finds their balance in a different way and different place, but for me, it's at work....at least for now.

So, tomorrow, with my new illness-inspired sans 10lbs body and double washed hair, I'm going to kiss my sweet boy good bye and wish him a good day at school, and then I am going to head to work. It's what works for our family right now; it's our schedule.

And I heart productive schedules, and I heart not being sick anymore.