It's One of Those Weeks

Most of the time, I think I handle Little Bug's special needs pretty well, emotionally speaking. Before he was my son, I have to admit that I alternated between thinking that I would totally be able to handle special needs and thinking that there was no way I would be the right mama for the job. Turns out a higher power knew better than I did.

We didn't request Little Bug's special needs, nor did we even know about it until very, very late in the adoption process, at a point where it was nearly impossible to "back out." Yes, we were given the chance, but there was really never a choice in our hearts.

The fall out is that this research-obsessed oriented Everyday Mama had little to no time to prepare to parent a child with hypotonia and a lot of unknowns. Sure, I've had the last 11 months to research, but it's been hard. Not just finding the time, but I sometimes find it emotionally draining to research when Little Bug is slumbering peacefully. I love him so much that sometimes my mind just cannot process the possibilities for his life, so I don't.

This week I had a few of things happen that have forced me out of my protective cloud and back into the research chase. First was our vacation with family, specifically Little Bug's younger cousin who was so far ahead in every way that it made both Appa and I acknowledge that Little Bug still was so far behind. We tend to be really good about celebrating Little Bug for who he is without comparing him to other kids, but last week it was inevitable. Even worse is when you can see other people doing it.

Second, his daycare teacher, in a very positive conversation, mentioned that she thought he would be walking soon. She qualified it by saying "he might never walk normally like other children, but I think he will walk." I recognize that she doesn't actually have any medical basis for that and Little Bug's therapists have never told us that he will have trouble walking once he masters that skill, but it still burned to think of Little Bug always having trouble walking.

Third, I recently connected with another mother who has two sons who have hypotonia. Her sons are a bit older, so it will be helpful for me to have the perspective of another mother who has already walked in the shoes (and leg braces) that we will walk. She was honest with me, which is what I need and want, but it wasn't always easy to hear.

The truth of the matter is that something is causing Little Bug's hypotonia. We might never know what that is, but it is there and that unknown terrifies me today. I recently heard a mother of a special needs child say that she would not wish away her child's special need even if she could because it has made her family who they are.

I disagree. I would wish away Little Bug's hypotonia in a heartbeat. I already see where he is frustrated and sad that he can't keep up and it breaks my heart. My motivation to figure out as much as a I can for him, to stay positive even when it's not personally easy for me, is that I know that no matter what I feel, Little Bug is the one who feels it 10 times over.

If he can do it, so can I; because if his mama can do it, he can do it.

But in my heart, it's been one of those weeks.