Anxiety

I've always struggled with anxiety. I guess I always just thought I was "stressed" until I went into my doctor many years ago for a "pre-conception" visit armed with a notepad and piles of papers on every possible thing regarding getting pregnant and pregnancy. My doctor patiently answered all my questions (Exactly what foods should Appa avoid to increase his sperm count? How high can my body temp be during a workout without impacting a pregnancy?) and then referred me immediately to a stress class.

The class was a silly little stress management class that people probably take for work goals or something like that. It taught me some valuable list making tools (which really, I'm not sure that doesn't just further enable highly anal people), but it didn't teach me anything about stress...and certainly didn't give my particular brand of "crazy" a name.

Then I got in a car accident. A bad one. I was the passenger, and it is honestly a wonder that everyone involved walked away (well, I was driven away in an ambulance, but you know what I mean). My "stress" became debilitating in the car or even when we were getting ready to get in the car. Like....debilitating. It started spilling over into other parts of my life. So to therapy I went. I tried a couple before hitting on EMDR, which helped so much. It was there that my therapist straight up told me I had an anxiety disorder...to which I immediately went, duh. But she explained it to me.

Stress is getting frazzled when you are trying to clean your house for guests or feeling like you want to pull your hair out when trying to meet a deadline for work. It's feeling tired, grumpy, on edge, or worried.

Anxiety is that pit in your stomach on a beautiful summer morning with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. It's waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning while worrying a plane in going to crash on your house. It's spending hours planning escape routes for your family in case of an emergency, only to conclude that your child will probably die anyway.....and if a plane hits your house, well, you're pretty much a goner.

Anxiety is a lifestyle.

I enrolled in a 15 week intensive Anxiety and Depression Management course that met weekly and had tapes and videos. It was life-changing. The 15 people in my group ranged from extremely agoraphobic and depressed to higher functioning individuals like myself. I was the youngest in the class, and I learned so much from each one of them. I also learned how to identify anxiety and modify behaviors that heighten it. I'm still an anxious person, yes, but I can manage it much better now.

At our final meeting, I shared the news that we had just turned in our adoption application. I credit that course for helping me get to a frame of mind where I could let go of my infertility and embrace happiness.

So anyway, fast forward another couple years of decent anxiety management (and, umm, a healthy court settlement regarding that accident that helped finance our adoption, ironically), and I have found myself slipping backward. It often happens with people who have anxiety disorders and learn to manage. Sometimes you just need a refresher course.

Little Bug is my trigger. Suddenly everything is heightened again for me. Driving in the car: I terrified we are going to get in a car accident and he will get hurt. Quiet night at home: maybe he has stopped breathing. No big strides in motor skills this week: Perhaps he will never walk. New food: He might be allergic and die.

Seriously, RID-ICU-LOUS stuff, and all classic anxiety.

I can usually tell myself somewhere in my head that I am being ridiculous, but that does little to ease my racing heart and mind. It was one thing when that plane was just going to pulverize Appa and I, but Little Bug.....no way!

I've been feeling very not-myself these last few weeks. This gloriously beautiful summer morning I walked into work facing a normal and low key work day feeling like my heart was going to explode out of my chest and that I simply COULD.NOT.DO.IT. It? Yeah, I don't know what "it" even is.

So, it's time for a refresher. I'm getting this off my chest to remind myself that it's all in my head and doesn't need to be there, and I am starting up my tapes again. (Thank you iPod.)

I read somewhere that parents can teach their children to be anxious, so I want to make sure I don't pass that on the Little Bug.

Because, you know, I'm anxious about that kind of stuff.

Side note: Talk about moment of panic. I wrote this post and published it, only to realize that I published it on our family blog....not the place I wanted it to go. Deep breaths, deep breaths, push delete, deep breaths.