I've been having a hard time focusing lately. I kept wanting to blournal this or that, but when I actually attempt to write it out, nothing comes.
So here are some rambles of late that don't really warrant a single post, but are still things that hit me as "get this down; get this down!"
Daily life is mundane, but that can be okay. Routine is boring, but it's also incredibly comforting. I was thinking back to the first few days with Little Bug and how hopped up on adrenaline we were. He was finally here! We were finally parents! OMG, he just did this; he just did that! Thousands of days later, that adrenaline is replaced with this deep, calm satisfaction that although every day might not be this life-changing, heart-pounding collection of moments, each day is filled with the little moments that make life wonderful and the promise of thousands and thousands more of days just like it. I'm looking forward to that, to continuing to share the little moments with Little Bug. Putting him to bed next week, next month, 5 years from now. That sort of life stretched out before me is exciting to think about.
I have been working on a long overdue Blurb book of our blog posts from Korea. This book is dedicated to Little Bug and includes blog comments, personal e-mails, private pictures, and additional commentary that we have not shared publicly. It's a book chronicling our trip, but from an emotional standpoint, as well as educational and factual perspective. Going through the thousands of pictures and video brought back a lot of emotions for me. I so sincerely hope Appa and I can do our jobs right and Little Bug will grow up proud of that period in his life, proud of his Korean heritage, proud of his birth family and foster family, and proud of us. I want him to love Korea like I do…actually, I want him to love it even more.
The terrible twos are terrible. I hate when people tell me three is worse than two. Please stop saying that to this mama. How many earth-shattering meltdowns can one child have when being denied a romp outside in the rain in the dark at bedtime? I guess it is my fault; he does get his coat and our keys and wait expectantly at the door for 30 seconds. We are warned.
I need to start taking pictures again. I've been so remiss, which is unlike me. I think the combination of Little Bug's illnesses and attitude and my illness and lack of energy have taken a toll, and the mama photography has been cast aside. I'll regret anything less that 75 pictures this month; I know I will. I'm currently at 6 pictures, all from one zoo outing. Getcha going, mama.
Speaking of my camera, it's sitting on the charger, completely charged with a blank memory card. Waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring with Little Bro's referral and the hour long meeting I plan to tape, just as I did with Little Bug. I see it each morning, and it taunts me. I'm doing it to myself.
The wait is getting harder. We "truly" waited only 2 weeks for Little Bug's referral, so this type of waiting is foreign to me. I'm stalking almost hourly our agency's tracking list (which has not been updated in 13 days) to see if a referral has come in to bump us up. There's added pressure now for us to get a referral soon, where I used to feel much more at peace with "whenever it happens, it happens." It's more of a struggle for me to center myself there now.
I'm lucky to have such great friends. From my BFF who is just my rock in all things me to my random friends who drop me e-mails just to check up on the "super virus" to my adoption buddies turned GNO buddies and Faceb**k gossiping buddies, my adult personal life is at a very good place right now.
Just checked the agency tracking list again; no change. I'm not joking either.
My illness made me lose 14 pounds recently. These were pounds I easily had room to lose, but I am loving the way my body felt with them gone. It's been a week holding at the new weight, and although I want to lose more (only in a healthier manner), I'm starting to get used to the new feel of my body and forget that pleasurable constant reminder that it's nice to not weigh more. I need to try to hold on to that feeling as a motivator to continue to make healthier choices.
Diet Dr. Pepper is back in my life, courtesy of a well-meaning Appa who bought me home a 36 pack to celebrate me kicking the habit. Yeah, THAT makes sense. Add in total sleep deprivation, and I am knocking back one a morning now. Does it count for something if I feel guilty about it every time?
Finally, I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to drag out the learning centers and big guns in the evening to entertain my kid. He seems most content to just hang out with us, often sitting next to us cuddling while reading books or listening to music. This lack of physical activity for our family in the evenings used to worry me, but now I realize that just like I am tired and wanting to decompress from a long day at work, so does my kid. There is no better way to do that than together.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Seeing Pink
Man.
It's a good thing I love my kid and I love my job (less than my kid, obviously) because right now the two do not seem to want to play nice with each other.
In the new dynamic that is my family life, Little Bug ended up getting sick (AGAIN) just as Appa was getting over his latest illness. Of course. The silver lining is that it's not puking sick...it's more of the OMG-My-Kid-Has-Freaking-Pink-Eye kind of sick. That's the kind of sick that keeps a kid out of daycare, people.
And a kid out of daycare = a mama out of work. Sigh. (Never mind this mama is still dealing with her own super virus crap.)
Ultimately, I am lucky. Appa was in town today and able to split the shifts with me, so I can put a half day in the office. I'm also lucky to have a job that I can usually take home, so I can work during his nap this afternoon. It could be so much worse for us.
There's no real use complaining about all the illness (although it doesn't stop me). My family is not eating our meals off the EL platforms or licking the toys at the children's museum (okay, Little Big might be doing a bit of that when we aren't looking), so I feel like all these illnesses are just the luck of the draw for us. Fine.
When we signed up (literally) to be parents, we knew sacrifices of all types would need to be made. You think of the big ones; the financial and emotional and physical sacrifices. There are a lifetime filled with smaller, more day-to-day sacrifices, too. My pride at having to ask my boss for MORE time off and a dwindling PTO bank are two that I am willing to give for the chance to spend 5:00 am-6:00 am this morning cuddling in bed with the cutest little boy in the world who was cooing "my mama" while petting my face.
It's a good thing I love my kid and I love my job (less than my kid, obviously) because right now the two do not seem to want to play nice with each other.
In the new dynamic that is my family life, Little Bug ended up getting sick (AGAIN) just as Appa was getting over his latest illness. Of course. The silver lining is that it's not puking sick...it's more of the OMG-My-Kid-Has-Freaking-Pink-Eye kind of sick. That's the kind of sick that keeps a kid out of daycare, people.
And a kid out of daycare = a mama out of work. Sigh. (Never mind this mama is still dealing with her own super virus crap.)
Ultimately, I am lucky. Appa was in town today and able to split the shifts with me, so I can put a half day in the office. I'm also lucky to have a job that I can usually take home, so I can work during his nap this afternoon. It could be so much worse for us.
There's no real use complaining about all the illness (although it doesn't stop me). My family is not eating our meals off the EL platforms or licking the toys at the children's museum (okay, Little Big might be doing a bit of that when we aren't looking), so I feel like all these illnesses are just the luck of the draw for us. Fine.
When we signed up (literally) to be parents, we knew sacrifices of all types would need to be made. You think of the big ones; the financial and emotional and physical sacrifices. There are a lifetime filled with smaller, more day-to-day sacrifices, too. My pride at having to ask my boss for MORE time off and a dwindling PTO bank are two that I am willing to give for the chance to spend 5:00 am-6:00 am this morning cuddling in bed with the cutest little boy in the world who was cooing "my mama" while petting my face.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hugs
Little Bug gives great hugs, really tender ones that are mostly head nuzzles and a little purr of content. He isn't really a big arm hugger, which is fine with me. I'll take my baby hugs however he wants to give them.But lately, I've been the very lucky recipient of the coolest kind of hugs...the running toward you with arms wide open and ready to be thrown around your body hugs. Umm, I LOVE them.
Little Bug has been doing splendidly in his new classroom at school. It's challenging and motivating, and he seems comfortable. It's not all sunshine and roses though; he has had a hard time at night this week, which is very typical of his way of dealing with stress. So I know that his transition days in the 2-year-old room are at least a little trying for him. It would be concerning if they were not.
When I pick him up each evening, I like to look in the window of the door and watch him (like in a zoo). It's become a bit of a game because inevitably one of the kids will notice me and start chanting "Little Bug's Mom." That gets his attention, and the moment when we make eye contact is easily one of my top 3 moments of each day. In the past, he would just break into a huge grin and chant my name while continuing to play, rarely making an effort to actually come over to me, preferring instead to wait for me to come to him so he could show me what he was playing with.
No longer.
Now when we make eye contact he breaks into a huge grin, starts chanting my name and pointing, and breaks into his Little Bug mall walk, his arms outstreached as he barrels into me for a huge hug.
It melts me into a giant puddle of happiness every single time.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The MC
Little Bug has a LOOOOOOONG name. We chose to keep not only his two-part Korean name as his middle name, but also to keep his Korean surname as a first (but socially unused) middle name.
That means my child's name is [Given Name] [Korean Surname] [Part 1 Korean Given Name] [Part 2 Korean Given Name] [Surname]. Kindergarten and standardized tests are going to be awesome for him.
Some days I sort of regret saddling him with all these names (or at least not combining where we could), but usually I love his name. I love the fact that we kept his Korean surname (a direct link to his birth mother we want him to proudly bear), even though it is the biggest pain in the butt to explain why it's legally there but we don't pseudo-legally use it, and it will undoubtedly annoy him as he grows up. (Did you know on most medical and school records you can put as many or as few of your child's legal middle names as you would like?)
What I love most about his name is his Korean given name. When he first came home, we paired his given name with his Korean given name to help him learn to respond to the new name. Oddly enough, the pairing (or tripling, as would be the case here) stuck and we probably call him [Given Name] [Part 1 Korean Given Name] [Part 2 Korean Given Name] about 50% of the time.
What I like very best though, is a bit more often than occasionally, we just call him by his Korean given name. It's become almost like an intimate name, not a nickname, but the kind of name only a family member would use. Indeed, the only people who ever call him just by his Korean name are Appa and me, his foster family, and a couple aunts and uncles. It's not forced or used as a funny sort of thing; it just sometimes rolls off our tongues and sounds natural. Familial intimacy is the only way I can think to describe it. When I hear it, I am happy.
For Little Bug's part, he responds to both names equally. In the future, if he wants to just go by one name or the other, it will be easy for us to roll with that for as long as he wishes. I sometimes wonder if there will be times when he won't want us to use his Korean names, or if there will be times he only wants us to use his Korean names.
I'll be happy either way, and I hope "The MC" will be, too. Except when he has to try to fit 21 letters and 4 spaces into 15 bubbles on a standardized test…I'd be cursing us at that point, too.
That means my child's name is [Given Name] [Korean Surname] [Part 1 Korean Given Name] [Part 2 Korean Given Name] [Surname]. Kindergarten and standardized tests are going to be awesome for him.
Some days I sort of regret saddling him with all these names (or at least not combining where we could), but usually I love his name. I love the fact that we kept his Korean surname (a direct link to his birth mother we want him to proudly bear), even though it is the biggest pain in the butt to explain why it's legally there but we don't pseudo-legally use it, and it will undoubtedly annoy him as he grows up. (Did you know on most medical and school records you can put as many or as few of your child's legal middle names as you would like?)
What I love most about his name is his Korean given name. When he first came home, we paired his given name with his Korean given name to help him learn to respond to the new name. Oddly enough, the pairing (or tripling, as would be the case here) stuck and we probably call him [Given Name] [Part 1 Korean Given Name] [Part 2 Korean Given Name] about 50% of the time.
What I like very best though, is a bit more often than occasionally, we just call him by his Korean given name. It's become almost like an intimate name, not a nickname, but the kind of name only a family member would use. Indeed, the only people who ever call him just by his Korean name are Appa and me, his foster family, and a couple aunts and uncles. It's not forced or used as a funny sort of thing; it just sometimes rolls off our tongues and sounds natural. Familial intimacy is the only way I can think to describe it. When I hear it, I am happy.
For Little Bug's part, he responds to both names equally. In the future, if he wants to just go by one name or the other, it will be easy for us to roll with that for as long as he wishes. I sometimes wonder if there will be times when he won't want us to use his Korean names, or if there will be times he only wants us to use his Korean names.
I'll be happy either way, and I hope "The MC" will be, too. Except when he has to try to fit 21 letters and 4 spaces into 15 bubbles on a standardized test…I'd be cursing us at that point, too.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Safe
After some space from yesterday, I'm in a better place and not even really thinking about what is happening "behind the scenes." As I was rocking Little Bug to bed last night, I was thinking about how much we would lose if the worst were to happen, and I realized it was very little.
A significant amount of money, maybe. An entire year waiting, yes. An expected and anticipated family plan, sort of.
Little Bro, no.
The fact of the matter is, Little Bro is meant to come to our family in his own time. Perhaps that time is not now. If that is the case, I will have to accept that the factors that dictated that were what needed to happen for our family to form the way it was meant to. I won't like it, but I will accept it.
I also realized that the most important things in my life are not affected by this situation, either way it shakes out. Little Bug is still my son. Nothing in the world can take him from my arms. Nothing. Appa is still my husband and the father of my son. He will be my partner in replanning our family if it comes to that.
My family is safe. Little Bro and Little Sis are safe in my heart until the time is right.
With all that being said, my gut is telling me things will be okay. My gut is telling me Little Bro is almost ready to say hello. My gut is telling me things will work out for everyone. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but I think that it will.
A significant amount of money, maybe. An entire year waiting, yes. An expected and anticipated family plan, sort of.
Little Bro, no.
The fact of the matter is, Little Bro is meant to come to our family in his own time. Perhaps that time is not now. If that is the case, I will have to accept that the factors that dictated that were what needed to happen for our family to form the way it was meant to. I won't like it, but I will accept it.
I also realized that the most important things in my life are not affected by this situation, either way it shakes out. Little Bug is still my son. Nothing in the world can take him from my arms. Nothing. Appa is still my husband and the father of my son. He will be my partner in replanning our family if it comes to that.
My family is safe. Little Bro and Little Sis are safe in my heart until the time is right.
With all that being said, my gut is telling me things will be okay. My gut is telling me Little Bro is almost ready to say hello. My gut is telling me things will work out for everyone. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but I think that it will.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Only Option
Breathe.
Today has been a roller coaster of a day. A little bit of information snowballed into something that was potentially life changing (and not in a good way) for my family. After allowing myself to become slightly emotionally unhinged (manifested in total lack of spelling or punctuation, frantic e-mails, worried g-chats, and a Diet Dr. Pepper or two), I got a call from someone who could give me a straight-from-the-top answer. It helped that this person is someone I trust implicitly. It actually helped a lot.
She seemed positive that things would work out for my family and for all the families who I care about who are also potentially affected by this news. My heart was calmed, not completely, but close.
Not everyone buys her positive spin though, and that has been hard for me to navigate this afternoon. Am I being naive because I trust my source? Is my relationship with her clouding my judgment? Should I continue to protect my heart and worry? That's the message I am getting from some people.
Honestly, that's not the way I want to live. I'm already protecting my heart from placing expectations on Little Bro's referral and the wait from referral to travel call and Little Bug's milestones. I have enough anxiety in my life.
I cannot spend the next 3-4 months worrying about what might or might not happen. If it doesn't happen the way I want it to, that is something that we will have to deal with, whether we want to or not. There is nothing we can do about it. I mean, obviously until everything is settled I will worry, but I guess I mean I cannot worry that I cannot trust the people who are trying to figure this out.
After all, in adoption, trust is really your only option.
Breathe.
Today has been a roller coaster of a day. A little bit of information snowballed into something that was potentially life changing (and not in a good way) for my family. After allowing myself to become slightly emotionally unhinged (manifested in total lack of spelling or punctuation, frantic e-mails, worried g-chats, and a Diet Dr. Pepper or two), I got a call from someone who could give me a straight-from-the-top answer. It helped that this person is someone I trust implicitly. It actually helped a lot.
She seemed positive that things would work out for my family and for all the families who I care about who are also potentially affected by this news. My heart was calmed, not completely, but close.
Not everyone buys her positive spin though, and that has been hard for me to navigate this afternoon. Am I being naive because I trust my source? Is my relationship with her clouding my judgment? Should I continue to protect my heart and worry? That's the message I am getting from some people.
Honestly, that's not the way I want to live. I'm already protecting my heart from placing expectations on Little Bro's referral and the wait from referral to travel call and Little Bug's milestones. I have enough anxiety in my life.
I cannot spend the next 3-4 months worrying about what might or might not happen. If it doesn't happen the way I want it to, that is something that we will have to deal with, whether we want to or not. There is nothing we can do about it. I mean, obviously until everything is settled I will worry, but I guess I mean I cannot worry that I cannot trust the people who are trying to figure this out.
After all, in adoption, trust is really your only option.
Breathe.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Little Triumph
This morning Little Bug went into the 2 year old class for the first full day. (He actually spent all Friday in the classroom with awesome results, but today was the first day we took him into the classroom as his "home room.")
I've always been a bit on the sappy side, but being a mom has taken it to a new level. Little things, like Little Bug's long anticipated move to his new room at school, make my emotional grid go wild. I alternate between being nervous for him, excited for him, a little sad that he is growing up (even though he's already bigger than most of the kids in his new class; my kid is super tall), and completely triumphant that this moment has finally come.
Every milestone Little Bug hits is special for us, but they hit me hard because I often get caught up our daily grind and forget to believe that those milestones we work so hard for will come. I clearly remember the moments where I found it hard to believe Little Bug would ever sit up, crawl, walk….and someday I will look back on these moments when I find it hard to believe that the day will come when Little Bug will drink from an open cup or eat soup with a spoon or color with a crayon instead of eating it or count to 3 or pick out colors and ruefully laugh to myself.
Today, though, is special because it's a tangible step forward socially for Little Bug. He is joining his age peers, even though he is still developmentally behind them. He's taking it to the next level now and will be challenged in new ways. In fact, the last time he faced such a challenge was when he first started school last July and could only just crawl and pull up. Little Bug likes challenges. He was blessed with a disposition that doesn't quit. I have no doubt he will flourish in his new environment.
Best. 2 year old. ever.
I've always been a bit on the sappy side, but being a mom has taken it to a new level. Little things, like Little Bug's long anticipated move to his new room at school, make my emotional grid go wild. I alternate between being nervous for him, excited for him, a little sad that he is growing up (even though he's already bigger than most of the kids in his new class; my kid is super tall), and completely triumphant that this moment has finally come.
Every milestone Little Bug hits is special for us, but they hit me hard because I often get caught up our daily grind and forget to believe that those milestones we work so hard for will come. I clearly remember the moments where I found it hard to believe Little Bug would ever sit up, crawl, walk….and someday I will look back on these moments when I find it hard to believe that the day will come when Little Bug will drink from an open cup or eat soup with a spoon or color with a crayon instead of eating it or count to 3 or pick out colors and ruefully laugh to myself.
Today, though, is special because it's a tangible step forward socially for Little Bug. He is joining his age peers, even though he is still developmentally behind them. He's taking it to the next level now and will be challenged in new ways. In fact, the last time he faced such a challenge was when he first started school last July and could only just crawl and pull up. Little Bug likes challenges. He was blessed with a disposition that doesn't quit. I have no doubt he will flourish in his new environment.
Best. 2 year old. ever.
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