"Adoptees Grow Up"

I'll admit, this one was the hardest session for me. The presenter was adopted into a transracial home and now has a clinical physc background, so she definitely knew her stuff. She was also upfront about the fact that she knew adoptive parents would be offended and hurt and uncomfortable by some of the things she had to say. Keep that in mind as I give a summary of her points. This is one of the less pretty and shiny and happy parts of adoption, and it might not be the experience of all or even most adoptees, but it is a valid experience none the less.

Her session focused on "adoption throughout the lifespan." Parents often neglect to think about the lasting emotional and social implications of adoption on their children as adults. "Adoption is permanent. Adoptive parents, professionals, and all of society should recognize that one child being adopted effects many, many people for many, many years. Once we understand that, we can make better decisions that will have a positive impact, or lessen the negative impact."

She cited the seven core issues in adoption, which were developed in 1999. They are

• loss
• rejection
• guilt/shame
• grief
• identity
• intimacy and relationships
• control/gains.

Interesting stuff. The really interesting thing about these seven issues is that the adoptee, the birth parent, and the adoptive parent each experience them. For a very good graph that breaks each one down by member of the adoption triad, click here.

She gave a brief overview of some issues that befall young children, such as family history projects in school, embarrassment over not having a family that looks alike, lessons on Mendel's Theory of Genetics, fantasies over their birth origin, etc.

She cited two studies that show that adoptees have a higher percentage of ADHD and residential treatment. She hypothesized that this was due to adoptees' lack of "concrete self" and their preoccupation with all the unknowns in their history. She coined it "genetic bewilderment and hereditary ghosts." Part of me had a hard time accepting that the adoption itself was the sole common denominator in these statistics, but I guess it is good to keep in the back of my mind.

Once she got started talking about adulthood, I really started to get uncomfortable. I felt like she was ascribing some pretty serious issues to ALL adoptees. Now, that might just be my lack of understanding because I was not adopted or my bias because I am the adoptive parent, so this is one I will continue to ruminate on this stuff to see how I feel about her comments.

Basically, she claimed that adoptees tend to have relationship issues because they cannot get over the fear of being "abandoned again." She claimed adoptees tend to either over attach to everyone or attach to no one. Pregnancies can trigger deeply buried feelings that could dredge up painful thoughts. Like I said, these seem like extremes to me. I am sure that many people who were adopted have these issues, but I don't ascribe to the idea that ALL do.

She also claimed that people who were adopted don't like the celebrate their birthdays because to them it is actually "Loss Day." I understand the theory behind that, and I am sure birthdays will be hard for Little Bug...just as his birth family is especially on my mind on his birthday, but I'm not going to not celebrate my child's birthday just on the off chance he might consider it in poor taste someday.

The presenter talked a lot of searching for information. I agree that a search for birth information should always be supported. In fact, Appa and I are going to try to open Little Bug's file when we are next in Korea just to get any "leads" we can while the "trail is still warm" that we will tuck away for Little Bug should he ever chose to search.

She put the search in the perspective of a generational link. Their history affects the history of their children. To have that break in that history, that genetic and hereditary gap, can be very scary to an adult.

She told us to not feel threatened should our adult children mourn the absence of their birth families on special days. Just like we would mourn the absence of someone special, so will they. That made a lot of sense to me.

Finally, the presenter talked a little bit about advocating for adoptees. Right now in our country, records are sealed in closed adoptions, even after the child turns 18. These laws are to protect the birth parents, but when you think about it, every person has a right to their personal information. Once a person is 18, it seems ridiculous that they would not have access to their unblinded birth certificate. I guess I had never really thought about that before, but I can very much see her point and will strive to advocate for adoptee rights to their records when the opportunities present themselves.

Overall, this session was not my favorite. I think it would have been better served with a panel instead of just one woman. I left with a lot of food for thought, but I also left confused as to whether this was just one woman's life perspective, or whether it was an accurate reflection on the perspectives of many adult adoptees.

Just one session left to write about!

"He Never Asks: Creating Opportunities to Talk About Adoption"

This session focused on when, how, and how often you should talk to your child about their adoption story. I was interested in this topic because although we have never considered hiding Little Bug's story from him, I've been wondering how to continue the conversations once he gets old enough to ask, or rather, to NOT ask.

The presenter was an adoptee and post adoption specialist. She made it very clear that your children's adoption story should be told early and often. She suggests starting to tell it immediately, even as a bedtime story to an infant. So much of it, she suggested, was practicing the right wording. By talking about it from your child's earliest memories, it becomes normal to them. In addition, it gives you the power to ease your children into the deeper implications and details (obviously your discussions with a two-year-old will be very upper level, e.g., "You grew in your birth mother's tummy, and then went to live with Mrs. XXXX until Mommy and Daddy could come get you and bring you home" and will change as your child gets older). As your child gets older, you can add more details, such as why their birth mother might have had to place them for adoption. The key is to balance age-appropriate concepts with the truth. Not always easy to do, so practice and some brainstorming ahead of time is helpful.

One of the other key benefits to telling your children about their history early on is the fact that YOU will be the one to give the information to your child. I know many people, Appa and I included, have chosen not to share birth history details with people, including close family, for this very reason. Does Grandma need to know the social history of the birth mother? Nope. Could she accidentally let something slip to your child, or even worse, to someone else, before you felt it was time for that information to be shared? Possibly. It's just easier to say to people "That is his information and it is his choice to share it when and with whom he wants."

Although the conversations should start from the moment your child is placed in your arms, the presenter says that children are able to connect their inclusion into your family with a sense of loss of another family as young as age 5. It's critical to have an environment that is safe to ask questions in place by then. This means that we as parents need to come to terms with any lingering issues we might have. Kids pick up on tension. If you are tense or emotional when talking about it, they will pick up on that and most likely avoid asking more questions.

So what happens when the questions stop or never start? It doesn't mean, as was thought in the past, that children are not interested or are "well adjusted." In fact, it is now considered somewhat abnormal and unhealthy if your child doesn't seem interested at all in their adoption. Not necessarily in information about their birth family, but at the very least adoption in general (although by the tween stage they should be interested in information on their birth family, but possibly not before).

The presenter suggested a number of reasons why your child might be avoiding the questions:

1. Your child might not be a verbal child. They might learn and communicate better through other sensory activities, like drawing, reading, music, etc.
2. They might be afraid of hurting you.
3. They might be hiding or avoiding their own hurt.
4. They don't have the words to ask the questions. Just as a chemistry professor might ask "Does anyone have any questions" after a long lesson, only to be met with silence because the students were overloaded with information and had too many questions to articulate what they even wanted to ask, so might our children be so overwhelmed with questions they might not even know what to ask.
5. It might be the wrong time for them.

It's important to note that these conversations will happen over and over with the same information as your child gets older and processes it differently. The one-and-done conversation won't suffice. The presenter said that constant conversation about adoption is probably overkill, but when the weeks stretch into months and months without any sort of off handed comment, it's probably time to put out some feelers.

She suggested using non-personal conversation starters to put out those feelers. Use stories in the news or story lines from TV or movies. Example: "Did you read that article about Brad and Angelina taking their son on a homeland tour? That must have been so interesting for their son to return to ......" If all else fails, she suggested slipping in a comment about the birth family in here or there. Example: "Your have such a musical ear; I wonder if you got that from your birth mother or birth father." The presenter stressed that even if your child ignores these opportunities, they ARE HEARING you talk about these things and will know that they can talk about them when they are so inclined.

The presenter also made no bones about the fact that this will sometimes be unpleasant. It will hurt your child many times over as they come to terms with the loss they have suffered. Just as we fight the good fight with veggies and medicine and wearing a helmet, so must we deal with any unpleasantness here in order to help our children become healthy and happy emotionally.

She stressed that it is very important that we as adoptive parents embrace the fact that our children's curiosity and pain and love for their birth family and birth culture have NOTHING to do with us as their parents. Our relationship with them is completely separated from their inherent connection with their birth family. We cannot be threatened by that, nor do we have a right to be. This is not about us. This is about our children. Bluntly, we need to get over ourselves and our issues.

Positive adoption language was also mentioned. It's a no brainer, but if you haven't checked out the lists of correct adoption language, you should. You should also pass it along to all those who will be in constant contact with your child. These words will help you when you frame your conversations and help your children develop healthy views of their adoptions.

Overall, I found this session enlightening. It's not rocket science, but I did and still do have some trepidation with when to push it and when to let it rest. It was nice to get some ideas and direction for those periods of time when Little Bug might not be talking about such a huge part of who he is. Like she said, it won't always be easy, but it will be important for Little Bug as he discovers who he is, and Appa and I are committed to helping him the best we can.

"WISE Up: Empowering Adoptees to Manage Adoption Discussions"

The first session I attended during the adoption conference was a workshop on the W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook developed by the Center for Adoption Services and Education.

Sadly, the actual facilitator of this workshop was not very good with managing time or managing people who tried to veer from the topic. Because this was the first session, I think some prospective adoptive parents saw this as their first chance to ask an expert their adoption questions, so people let loose with all sorts of questions, few of them that actually had anything to do with the WISE Up method. We basically lost the workshop portion of the session, but still were able to get all the information.

The W.I.S.E Up! Powerbook and method was developed to help children deal with conversations and questions that might make them uncomfortable. The actual workbook is specific to adoption, but can applied to more general situations and is recommended for both adoptees and siblings (bio or adopted). Additionally, the method works equally well for parents. The workbook is best used for children ages 8-12, but the method can be introduced in a more basic form to children younger and definitely used for children older.

Basically the method asks the child to memorize the following acronym.

W: Walk away or ignore what was said or heard (you have no obligation to respond and have total control over your information)
I: It's private and therefore I don't have to answer it.
S: Share some information about my adoption story (this might be the hardest one for kids to learn what to share, when to share, and with who to share)
E: Educate others about adoption in general (general facts will deflect from personal realm)

The idea is that when a child is presented with a situation where they are being asked personal or offensive information, they might get overly emotional or confused. The hope is that this method will give them some automatic and safe ways to handle a variety of situations by allowing them to choose one of the four types of responses. Families should practice this method together to have some general responses. (e.g., "I don't want to talk about that, but you can ask my mom." "Did you know there are 5 million adopted people in the United States? I'm surprised you have never met anyone adopted before." "I'm from [insert hometown USA], but I was born in Korea.")

A great idea to help younger kids learn the system is for parents to model it. As an example, after responding to a woman in the grocery lane who asked "how much did it cost to adopt him?" right in front of the child, a parent could later say to their child "What did you think about that question. I didn't think it was phrased very well, but I didn't think she was meaning anything mean with it, so I used the "E" and educated her by saying that "we paid an agency for the care and legal paperwork that was needed to bring our son home, just like you might have paid the hospital and doctors to deliver your child. I think the costs are probably similar."

One of the hardest things to teach kids is how to discern the intentions of others. Modeling and talking through your reasoning will be key to helping your child make those decisions.

The other issue that was brought up was the issue of secrecy versus privacy. Secrecy is often associated with "bad," especially to children. It is important to explain to your children that the personal details of their adoption story are not a "secret," but rather are special and should be guarded and shared with those who are special enough to know. The analogy was made that those details should be "guarded like treasure" to be shared with only a select few. I don't love that, but it works until I can think of something I like better for us.

Anyway, overall the method seems solid for both adults and kids. The powerbook is $15 and from all accounts, well worth it when your child gets to the appropriate age. I'm glad I attended this session and plan to implement this method in our family immediately.

"Identity and Heritage as Roots of Blossom in Adoptive Children"

The keynote speaker at the conference I recently attended was Dr. Jaiya John. He is a poet, speaker, youth advocate, and transracial adoptee. He was a wonderful speaker because his words and story were moving, impassioned, and genuine. He spoke to the audience as parents, and he spoke on behalf of the thousands of children he has been able to work with over the years.

Dr. John had a number of key ideas he advanced. I only wish I could present them as eloquently as he does, but I can't even attempt it, so mine will be more of a basic topics overview.

A word of caution with this and all my conference summaries. I'm my own person with my own set of interests, experiences, and biases. What I got out of a session could vary widely from others, and I only wrote down the parts of the sessions that spoke to me personally. Don't consider my summaries to be in any way a total representation of any one session or the presenter. Obviously.

Dr. John started by giving thanks for the blessings in his life, both big and small. He says that we should always strive to find something to be thankful about in each moment. Especially in the moments when you are low, finding a reason to be thankful will help with the "unclenching of the heart." Not only is this a good reminder for adults, he says that teaching our children this art of thankfulness for life's little beauties will help them in their lives.

Second, and this one is close to my heart, Dr. John talked about how parenting children, especially children who were adopted, is not a one way street. We need to attach and bond just as much as they need to attach and bond to us. Adoption (and parenting in general) is a reciprocal action. The child is not the only one that needs to change as the relationships form, and we certainly should not hold fast to preconceived notions of how long it should take a child (or adult) to attach and bond. We are all unique human beings that are not a slave to an egg timer.

Dr. John's third theme was really powerful for me. He advances that "our adult unfolding becomes a template and source for their young unfolding. The way we see ourselves feeds the way they learn to see themselves....the truth of our life becomes the truth of their life."

Man alive, that is a lot of pressure and makes so much sense.

Everything about me impacts Little Bug. My collective memories and life experiences and emotional reactions and feelings and beliefs will shape Little Bug in some way because they have shaped me and how I am raising him. Dr. John suggests that we embrace this as something that is not only positive, but is an inherent right of our children. What is ours is inherently theirs, too, and they have a right to those experiences and feelings that have shaped us and thereby shaped them.

With that said, he suggests sharing our trials with our children. No, I might never be able to fully understand some of the things Little Bug will have to deal with, but sharing my own trials and fears and discomfort and triumphs, even when they might see hurtful (his example was that his mother was disowned by her father after she adopted him and she chose to never tell him that) will give help remove the mask of "conviction" that adoptive parents often chose to wear for their children. By showing our kids our vulnerabilities, we show them valuable life examples AND fill in some hows and whys that lead to the shaping of their lives. He told us to "become storytellers, because your stories become your children's stories."

In that same vein, Dr. John insists that everyone has a right to all the information about themselves. "Access to themselves" is the way he put it. Physical separation, he said, is merely an illusion of total separation. The spiritual connection our children have to their birth family or other special people will always be a part of them. That makes sense to me. I think about the way I feel connected to ancestors who I know only through stories. It stands to reason our children would feel the same way.

"What exists across the ocean is still inherently there, whether you can see it or not."

Dr. John mentioned how he would pour over the papers that told of his birth history and try desperately to make something that was just one dimensional ink and paper become something three dimensional, like his life. Because it is. It happened. It shaped who he is. That is part of his story. He challenged us to try to help our children do that, too.

The other interesting thing he mentioned is that we need to teach our children to become advocates for their "culture." However, he defined this particular "culture" as the culture of one. The sum of our children's experiences and stories and beliefs and feelings and ethnic and social cultures blends to create a culture unique to only the individual. "Culture is not a race; it is a way of being." Obviously the traditional meaning of culture is still important, but this idea of an individual culture is additional. Dr. John says we must teach our children to be proud of their personal "culture" and to be an advocate for their own lives. I loved that sense of pride and empowerment.

Overall, I liked the beauty of Dr. John's words and the way he was able to blend the joining of the parents and children as "one," while still allowing for our children to be individuals separate of their adoptive or birth families or birth or adoptive cultures.

Only time will tell whether Little Bug finds this helpful, but for me, the idea that Little Bug won't need to fit into just his Korean culture or just his American culture, but can hopefully grow up comfortable in his individual culture that accepts and celebrates ALL parts of him, the one that takes into accounts all parts of him, will help him navigate those who will seek to pigeon hole or repress him.

Dr. John has written a number of books of poetry and a memoir. His books can be found here. On a personal note, Dr. John sat at a table by the bookstore for the entire conference talking to people. Granted, he was signing books, but every time I walked by, it was clear that he was engaged in genuine and meaningful conversations with people. I was very impressed by his spirit.

Sorry this was so long. I have a feeling the rest will be equally as long.

Bring Back That Gutty Feeling...

I wanted to preserve this post that I wrote Saturday morning, less than a day after Little Bug's formal assessment, but I also wanted to get it out there in a timely fashion. It was hard for me to write and just felt off, which is why I ultimately left it as a draft. After the distance of a few days, I think it is important that I do publish it for myself (I am, after all, using this as a journal for myself among other things).

I'm exceptionally thankful for the providence that scheduled this meeting and the adoption conference I attended on the same weekend. As you will see, my heart was heavy for both my sons, and the conference helped lift me up for both of them. I had a false sense of control over Little Bro's adoption, one that made me think that controlling the timing was best for us. Ultimately, I still do have control over the timing; that control just isn't the same type I thought is was.

That is okay. It's all okay. It will all work out exactly the way it should. My family comes first, and as long as I continue to hold true to that, everything will be okay.

I have that gut feeling that it will be.

-------------------------------------------------
Saturday, October 31, 2009

ohhh, that gutty feeling
Bring back that gutty feeling, now it's gone, gone, gone

Like I mentioned in the last post, yesterday was our big assessment. The overriding mood of the meeting was positive and optimistic for Little Bug's long term life, and Appa and I got lots of great information. I went into the meeting with a little more realistic outlook than Appa did, so I think some of it was a bit more of a shock to him than it was to me. Although, honestly, very little of it felt good to hear.

Bottom line, "the overall number" was lower than we both thought it would be. Significantly lower, quite frankly. Although it doesn't change a darn thing physically or emotionally for any of us, last night was a solemn evening for Appa and I. One thing I have learned throughout all our many "life trials" is that you have to let yourself grieve in order to be true to yourself and move on. Last night we privately and quietly grieved for...I don't even know what I would call it...disappointment in the situation? (Because we are certainly not disappointed in Little Bug at all!)

Anyway, today is a new day, and we have moved on. We've started with some new suggestions and are continuing to plug away at our daily lives. Little Bug is stronger than he was yesterday. We love him more than we did yesterday. But, overall, life is no different today than it was yesterday.

However, that was a long, roundabout way to get to the point of this post. Gut feelings.

I'm a huge believer in them, and will nearly always "go with my gut" on things. Today though, I am confused because I don't have a gut feeling that I desperately wish I did. I guess I've never looked for one before without just automatically having it.

One about Little Bro.

It makes my heart and head hurt to even write this, but with this confirmation of Little Bug's delays and the realistic time frames we are looking at with his continued progress, our thoughts turn to our next adoption, which is scheduled to go "paper ready" in two weeks. We have both felt strongly that we would not be ready to receive a referral for Little Bro until after Little Bug starts walking, and recently told our social worker that we didn't want a referral before March 2010 and would go on hold if necessary to ensure that Little Bug (and us) had enough time to prepare.

Now I wonder if that is even too soon.

My heart aches with the idea of waiting longer. My heart wants two little boys close in age, and my heart wants Little Bro to come home next year. I want.

But my head is whispering that I don't need or want Little Bro to eclipse his big brother in motor skills and other development. I don't need or want to have to try to deal with all the issues of attachment and bonding and babyness with Little Bro while still actively trying to get Little Bug to some semblance of age-appropriate independence.

Never mind what Little Bug actually needs and wants...things that are infinitely more important than my own needs and wants.

Part of me isn't sure I actually could do it (it being effective parenting for both boys) right now. I worry about spiraling even deeper into post adoption blues the second time around. I worry about Appa's job that requires so much travel. I worry about giving Little Bug the extra attention he needs along with the extra attention Little Bro would deserve. I worry about pretty much everything. It's suffocating.

Crap. Writing it down makes it more clear. My gut is probably telling me to wait and watch and listen, and if it doesn't feel right in March, then it is probably wrong and I need to prepare myself to be strong enough to let Little Bro go for a little longer. The fact that I am even thinking about it is my sneaky gut giving me a heads up.

I hate letting go.

"How Are Things Now"

Today I had the chance to go to a day long adoption conference. I attended four sessions and a keynote. It was fantastic and my head and soul are overflowing tonight. In the next week, I will take a couple posts and summarize the sessions I went to for those who might be interested (and as a way for me to solidify my own comprehension).

However, the most significant thing that happened there today had nothing to do with any of the sessions I attended. I was shocked to find when I got to the conference this morning that Karen J. Foli would be speaking on her book, The Post Adoption Blues.

That book and her website were the two things that showed me 7 months after Little Bug came home what I was feeling and helped me make peace with myself and move past it. I seriously credit her brave work (because she herself wrote the book and did her research born from her own experiences) with giving me the tools and emotional frame of mind to move past my sometimes-debilitating post adoption blues.

I didn't know how or when, but I knew I needed to tell her that.

Turns out my chance came as she was on her way to the bathroom. In the hallway I stopped her and told her through my instant tears and lumped throat that her book changed.my.life. Her response was a gracious and sincere "thank you" and then she asked something that took me aback.

"How are things now?"

That might seem like a normal question, or perhaps it might seem overly personal. But in that moment we were two mothers who totally GOT each other, and I knew what she meant. She was not asking if everything was "cured" or "fixed," and she wasn't asking about Little Bug. She was asking about me, and how my attitude was.

My response was whispered but automatic.

"Wonderful."

And they are...the things in my life...they are wonderful. I had a very personal post I wrote yesterday in response to the outcomes of our big meeting, but I think I am going to hold off on pushing the publish button for a little while longer and chew it over more. Today put so much in perspective for me and gave me a refreshed look on life.

So yes, there are things in my life that are hard and a constant struggles and frustrating and will continue to be an uphill battle, but overall, where it matters, thing are wonderful.

Thank you for asking, Karen. Thank you.

Serious (monkey) Business

Today all four of Little Bug's therapists (and possible his new one(s) as well) and his caseworker are meeting with us for his annual official review and reassessment. For many people this is a critical assessment because it is legally used to apply for disability if your child is more than 50% behind.

Even if they assessed him there (which would have to be at 11 months overall, and that just isn't the case), we wouldn't apply for disability, so this is much more about advocacy and collaboration for Appa and I...

...with a little bit of throw-down in there.

Little Bug's old OT will be there, as will his caseworker, who is so inept at her position that she has spent the last 3 weeks avoiding my twice-a-day phone messages instead of trying to find a new OT. Little Bug's speech therapist will also be there....and even though it is not her job, she has been trying to find a good OT. Little Bug's physical and developmental therapists will also be there, and I am sure they will continue to "give it to us straight" while still championing all the progress Little Bug has made.

I'm learning each and every day how to be a better advocate for my child. These lessons will serve us all well in the years to come. Today will be, without a doubt, another learning experience for me.

This is actually a very serious event for us, but part of me is looking forward to it simply because not matter what they say, I know how far he has come. No number on an assessment form will change that. I'm so proud of my son.

Oh, and Little Bug is attending the meeting in a monkey costume. I DARE them to try to resist that charm!