Bring Back That Gutty Feeling...

I wanted to preserve this post that I wrote Saturday morning, less than a day after Little Bug's formal assessment, but I also wanted to get it out there in a timely fashion. It was hard for me to write and just felt off, which is why I ultimately left it as a draft. After the distance of a few days, I think it is important that I do publish it for myself (I am, after all, using this as a journal for myself among other things).

I'm exceptionally thankful for the providence that scheduled this meeting and the adoption conference I attended on the same weekend. As you will see, my heart was heavy for both my sons, and the conference helped lift me up for both of them. I had a false sense of control over Little Bro's adoption, one that made me think that controlling the timing was best for us. Ultimately, I still do have control over the timing; that control just isn't the same type I thought is was.

That is okay. It's all okay. It will all work out exactly the way it should. My family comes first, and as long as I continue to hold true to that, everything will be okay.

I have that gut feeling that it will be.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

ohhh, that gutty feeling
Bring back that gutty feeling, now it's gone, gone, gone

Like I mentioned in the last post, yesterday was our big assessment. The overriding mood of the meeting was positive and optimistic for Little Bug's long term life, and Appa and I got lots of great information. I went into the meeting with a little more realistic outlook than Appa did, so I think some of it was a bit more of a shock to him than it was to me. Although, honestly, very little of it felt good to hear.

Bottom line, "the overall number" was lower than we both thought it would be. Significantly lower, quite frankly. Although it doesn't change a darn thing physically or emotionally for any of us, last night was a solemn evening for Appa and I. One thing I have learned throughout all our many "life trials" is that you have to let yourself grieve in order to be true to yourself and move on. Last night we privately and quietly grieved for...I don't even know what I would call it...disappointment in the situation? (Because we are certainly not disappointed in Little Bug at all!)

Anyway, today is a new day, and we have moved on. We've started with some new suggestions and are continuing to plug away at our daily lives. Little Bug is stronger than he was yesterday. We love him more than we did yesterday. But, overall, life is no different today than it was yesterday.

However, that was a long, roundabout way to get to the point of this post. Gut feelings.

I'm a huge believer in them, and will nearly always "go with my gut" on things. Today though, I am confused because I don't have a gut feeling that I desperately wish I did. I guess I've never looked for one before without just automatically having it.

One about Little Bro.

It makes my heart and head hurt to even write this, but with this confirmation of Little Bug's delays and the realistic time frames we are looking at with his continued progress, our thoughts turn to our next adoption, which is scheduled to go "paper ready" in two weeks. We have both felt strongly that we would not be ready to receive a referral for Little Bro until after Little Bug starts walking, and recently told our social worker that we didn't want a referral before March 2010 and would go on hold if necessary to ensure that Little Bug (and us) had enough time to prepare.

Now I wonder if that is even too soon.

My heart aches with the idea of waiting longer. My heart wants two little boys close in age, and my heart wants Little Bro to come home next year. I want.

But my head is whispering that I don't need or want Little Bro to eclipse his big brother in motor skills and other development. I don't need or want to have to try to deal with all the issues of attachment and bonding and babyness with Little Bro while still actively trying to get Little Bug to some semblance of age-appropriate independence.

Never mind what Little Bug actually needs and wants...things that are infinitely more important than my own needs and wants.

Part of me isn't sure I actually could do it (it being effective parenting for both boys) right now. I worry about spiraling even deeper into post adoption blues the second time around. I worry about Appa's job that requires so much travel. I worry about giving Little Bug the extra attention he needs along with the extra attention Little Bro would deserve. I worry about pretty much everything. It's suffocating.

Crap. Writing it down makes it more clear. My gut is probably telling me to wait and watch and listen, and if it doesn't feel right in March, then it is probably wrong and I need to prepare myself to be strong enough to let Little Bro go for a little longer. The fact that I am even thinking about it is my sneaky gut giving me a heads up.

I hate letting go.

"How Are Things Now"

Today I had the chance to go to a day long adoption conference. I attended four sessions and a keynote. It was fantastic and my head and soul are overflowing tonight. In the next week, I will take a couple posts and summarize the sessions I went to for those who might be interested (and as a way for me to solidify my own comprehension).

However, the most significant thing that happened there today had nothing to do with any of the sessions I attended. I was shocked to find when I got to the conference this morning that Karen J. Foli would be speaking on her book, The Post Adoption Blues.

That book and her website were the two things that showed me 7 months after Little Bug came home what I was feeling and helped me make peace with myself and move past it. I seriously credit her brave work (because she herself wrote the book and did her research born from her own experiences) with giving me the tools and emotional frame of mind to move past my sometimes-debilitating post adoption blues.

I didn't know how or when, but I knew I needed to tell her that.

Turns out my chance came as she was on her way to the bathroom. In the hallway I stopped her and told her through my instant tears and lumped throat that her book changed.my.life. Her response was a gracious and sincere "thank you" and then she asked something that took me aback.

"How are things now?"

That might seem like a normal question, or perhaps it might seem overly personal. But in that moment we were two mothers who totally GOT each other, and I knew what she meant. She was not asking if everything was "cured" or "fixed," and she wasn't asking about Little Bug. She was asking about me, and how my attitude was.

My response was whispered but automatic.

"Wonderful."

And they are...the things in my life...they are wonderful. I had a very personal post I wrote yesterday in response to the outcomes of our big meeting, but I think I am going to hold off on pushing the publish button for a little while longer and chew it over more. Today put so much in perspective for me and gave me a refreshed look on life.

So yes, there are things in my life that are hard and a constant struggles and frustrating and will continue to be an uphill battle, but overall, where it matters, thing are wonderful.

Thank you for asking, Karen. Thank you.

Serious (monkey) Business

Today all four of Little Bug's therapists (and possible his new one(s) as well) and his caseworker are meeting with us for his annual official review and reassessment. For many people this is a critical assessment because it is legally used to apply for disability if your child is more than 50% behind.

Even if they assessed him there (which would have to be at 11 months overall, and that just isn't the case), we wouldn't apply for disability, so this is much more about advocacy and collaboration for Appa and I...

...with a little bit of throw-down in there.

Little Bug's old OT will be there, as will his caseworker, who is so inept at her position that she has spent the last 3 weeks avoiding my twice-a-day phone messages instead of trying to find a new OT. Little Bug's speech therapist will also be there....and even though it is not her job, she has been trying to find a good OT. Little Bug's physical and developmental therapists will also be there, and I am sure they will continue to "give it to us straight" while still championing all the progress Little Bug has made.

I'm learning each and every day how to be a better advocate for my child. These lessons will serve us all well in the years to come. Today will be, without a doubt, another learning experience for me.

This is actually a very serious event for us, but part of me is looking forward to it simply because not matter what they say, I know how far he has come. No number on an assessment form will change that. I'm so proud of my son.

Oh, and Little Bug is attending the meeting in a monkey costume. I DARE them to try to resist that charm!

A little spotted blanket with an elephant and a bird, Part II

I'm very lucky.

In the world of BFFs, I'm really lucky to actually have a best friend. I don't use that term lightly either. My best friend and I have been besties for going on 13 years. Of those years, we have lived in the same city for just three of them, but our friendship has withstood time and distance, and I'm not naive enough to think that is a common thing. Besides my family and Appa, Ali(ce) is the most constant person in my life...she was there when I first spoke to Appa after all. We've shared everything from high school firsts and lasts (she started dating her husband, my childhood friend and debate partner, the same weekend I started dating Appa) to college firsts and lasts, to weddings and babies, and girls-only trips. She was the one person I talked to right before I went to meet Little Bug and my life changed forever. She stood next to me at every major event in my life, from my graduation to my wedding to the baptism of my child. If she wasn't about to pop out a little infant, she would be there with me in Korea next year when I meet Little Bro. She knows where I come from and where I am going. She knows my family and my friends and my memories. It's rare to find someone who knows you that well.

All this is especially special since Ali(ce) and I live across the country from each other. Way across the country from each other.

One thing that seems to particularly amuse us and those who know us is what we long ago deemed our "freaky mind connection." It began with our uncanny similar tastes in music and clothing and books. We would often find ourselves buying the same clothing or shoes even though we lived in different states. We would send each other the same book or music recommendations and type the same things at the same time on chats. The instances are too numerous to recount or even remember, and it often leaves our husbands shaking their heads.

However, when Ali(ce) was preparing for the birth of her first daughter, our connection kicked it up another notch. I randomly found this little dress that I just KNEW I had to buy for her. As is common for us, I just randomly dropped it in the mail without alerting her first.

This is the e-mail I got a few days later:
"Okay, this is really starting to get creepy! I got your package yesterday (and my mom got your Christmas card, she thinks it is so nice of you to remember them) and I was too curious to wait so I opened the present for the baby because you had said it was just so cute. I could not believe my eyes - seriously. I was temporarily in shock! It is the exact outfit I had picked out about two months ago! Just before we found out for sure that the baby is a girl we were at Target looking for work pants for BDawg and I saw that exact dress. I loved it so I picked it up and carried it around with me for like 20 minutes telling BDawg how I wanted to buy it. He said, "But what if it's a boy?" I said I would just bring it back then. But he said no, I had to wait. So I put the dress back. Then when I did find out it was a girl I went back to get it and they were all out!!! I had been looking for it ever since! So I could not believe it when I opened the box! I absolutely love it!!! I can't wait to dress her up in it! So yeah, our ability to live clear across the country from each other and still always buy the exact same thing is kinda weird - very cool, but just a little weird."

Fast forward years of silly little "freaky mind connection" instances to today. Ali(ce) sent me a gchat talking about her recent shopping spree for her new daughter she is expecting next month and wrote

"I even bought this little blanket I found that I fell in love with. It has polka-dots and a little elephant."

My mouth dropped. Could it have been this?

The answer is yes, it was. And that made my day, possibly my week.

She's my "real-life Alice".

PS: she does not actually call her husband "BDawg."

Here Baby Baby

I've been in a funk the last few days, and I finally figured out why.

I miss my baby.

Although I am not broadcasting this far and wide, this blog is technically anonymous and Appa alluded to it on our family blog, so I don't mind saying that I happen to be alone this week. Appa had some time off so he took Little Bug to visit with some extended family in another state. I'm very happy for them, and they seem to be having a nice time.

They've been gone since Sunday morning and won't be back for a few more days…shattering my previous 48-hours-without-Little Bug record. I was actually really looking forward to some "me time," and I am working on a home project that would be exceptionally hard to do with Little Bug home and in need of "Mama time." I've been staying up late to watch movies and read and not eating my veggies and might even jump on my bed later. It's been great.

Yet, I ache to see my baby. I'm watching old videos on my blog just to hear his voice, staring at pictures to enjoy his smile, and generally mopping around like someone just took my favorite shiny toy. I can't focus as well at work because I am constantly e-mailing Appa to get the play-by-play of Little Bug's day. Appa posted a little video last night, which I have watched more times than anyone should watch a blog video (and have a new mantra, "Pull UP his pants!").

This isn't just a matter of missing Little Bug. I miss new episodes of The OC and Nerd Blizzards at Dairy Queen.

No, I don't just miss my child, I crave him, and I cannot wait until he is home.

My Webafesto

Disclaimer: If you are reading this, there is a 99.99999% chance that I am not talking about you. I'm nervous about posting it, but it's is where my head is at this morning.

Sometimes you have to clean out your closet, or your fridge, or your car, etc., and get all the old, stale, nasty stuff you don't use and don't need out of your daily life.

Lately I have been doing that with less tangible things (and not just because I hate cleaning my car and am avoiding it). The internet is an amazing thing and connects me to people and things and ideas in ways that have enriched my life. When I moved to a new state 2 years ago and was searching for a job and adjusting to my husband's new job demands, an internet book club provided me with my only outlet for making friends. Some of those friends transcended from "internet friends" to "local [insert book club name here] friends" and a smaller portion became just "dear friends" who are in my life and the lives of my husband and son (the ultimate mark of acceptance from me) for multiple reasons.

By that same token, I have spent the last year splashing around in the world of adoption blogs and boards and listserves. Again, I've made "adoption bloggy friend," some of who transitioned into "local adoption friends," and some who have even just become "friends who happen to have/are also adopted from Korea." More and more of the people I met in the adoption community are becoming wonderful friends for my family, and I love that.

I treasure all these "adoption" friendships, both the ones that I might never get to meet in real life and the ones who I meet for tea or zoo trips or a burger and apple cider ale. The support and friendship and fellowship and advice and commiseration and fan-girling is all things that make me smile and bring joy to my life. That is a good thing.

However, like that sweater you bought on clearance last summer that is taking up prime space in your closet, even though you know you will NEVER wear it again, some things in the Internet worlds I spent time in are probably outstaying their welcome and need to go.

I started by almost completely removing myself from my book club "fandom," which was taking up time in my life that I could have and should have devoted to my family. I'd made my friends and had my fun, but I was no longer getting anything of real value from the time I was devoting to those other "relationships." It hurt some people who I had chatted with online, but ultimately, those not-in-real-life relationships are meaningless compared to my real-life relationships and there are just so many hours in the day. My family and I have all benefited from this break, and those who were true friends still call me up to chat about life…not just a book series. That is real.

The issue of the Internet adoption community is a different beast and one that I am having a harder time with. I love checking blogs, and I love writing blogs, and I love chatting with other adoptive moms who I have connected with one way or the other. Unlike my above mentioned relationships, I see long-lasting value in cultivating relationships with people that I might never actually meet because the support I will need as my child grows is something only these other women can provide. So in that respect, I'm happy with my "friends" and always looking for more.

HOWEVER, I've found there are some other areas of the adoption community that are no longer for me, specifically the boards. Now, I am not judging anyone, and honestly right now, there are a lot of weird and heartbreaking and frustrating things going on in an otherwise very stable program and specifically with people who I "know" (and this is NOT directed at them, for those of you who also "know" them), but I just can't do it anymore with those nameless, faceless people.

The complaining about timeframes, the bickering about circumsion or cosleeping or baby carriers or guest house versus hotel or travel versus escorting, the minutia of the I-[insert any number of numeric combinations], VI, P3, EP and the fever pitched highs and lows that come with those daily check-up calls, and the refusal of people to accept that all adoptions are not created equal and cannot be compared apples and apples, agency to agency, Lillipie ticker to Lillipie ticker is exhausting to me.

I'm not saying people shouldn't complain, only that they should reserve their complaining for the things that really deserve to be complained about. Some people have some really legitimate sucky things happening to their adoptions right now, and I completely sympathize and understand their need to reach out for support and welcome that. But the "OMG it's been 4 weeks since whatever, and I just cannot wait anymore (even though their agency told them it would be this long or longer)" or "I wasn't informed by my SW of so and so (even though there is NO reason your SW would call you out of the blue to tell you about something that doesn't immediately affect you)" or whatever angers me. It's negativity that breeds negativity because everyone rushes to "support" by affirming the injustice of it all and how awful it is.

That's not support; that is mass hysterics and doesn't do anyone any good. Certainly not our children, the agencies, or our hearts. Especially our hearts. Yet, somehow I continue to get sucked into it. I read the threads, I read the blogs, I read the messages. I occasionally try to respond in a supportive but level-headed manner, but find that I tend to look heartless. My outlook on the adoption process (i.e., I'm not OWED anything or any specific time frame and the only thing that is constant about adoption is that you should expected the unexpected, but that at the end of it, you WILL have your child) works for me, but not for everyone and some people have or are having very different experiences than mine that I might not understand, and I need to accept that.

So I have.

I've stopped going to the most boards I find to be filled with the most mass hysteria and rumors. I have started to hold my tongue on a listserv that is home to people who I actually care about on a personal level when things get a little heated and unkind there, and I have stopped following some blogs that are filled with negativity or views on parenting/life that don't add anything of value to my own. I casually skim some of the more aggravating list serves instead of reading the actual comments and taking the time to respond.

Support for those who are in true crisis and who need prayers and good thoughts is something I will always have, but I'm honestly all our of support for the people who want to complain and stir up trouble and gossip just for something to do or because they are having a bad week. It might be selfish or egotistical of me, but the negativity certain things were bringing up in me is unnecessary negativity and not something that needs to be passed on to my son. (Did you know it is a medical fact that children can sense and absorb the mood of their parents, including depression, anger, and fear?)

I acknowledge that this post is my own little drop of negativity out into the world, but I have noticed a marked increase in my daily happiness when I don't allow myself to spend 10 minutes getting sucked into the vortex of all the things that I know are bringing my own mood down--in ALL of my Internet dealings. I now fill myself up with hope for what will be, excitement for what is, compassion for those who are hurting, brilliance and simplicity of parenting ideas and incorporating culture and book recommendations and recipes and picture after picture of pumpkin patches and Tol celebrations and silly smiles and hugs that never fail to bring a smile to my face.

So many things in life, and especially in adoption, are totally outside our control. How I choose to spend my Internet time and fill my head and heart, however, is completely in my control.

Bursting

I love the moments in life when you can physically feel yourself "bursting" with happiness. Your breath catches, your body relaxes, and you can actually feel your heart beating inside your body.

The best part about those moments is that they come on unexpectedly and often unprompted.

That's all I've got for today...but it's all I really need.