J

Last year was hard.  I had to pull back from many things and people that took time and emotional energy in order to deal (or for a long period of time, NOT deal) with stuff that needed more of my attention.  From there, my anxiety got the best of me, and I felt a cycle of embarrassment take over, making things worse by hiding even further from people.  My absence hurt feelings, unintentionally but validly, and in some cases, I fear, irrevocably.  I'm learning to let that go and simply accept that sometimes what I can give is not enough or the right type of friendship people want.  And as an adult, I understand that's okay.  I don't have to be bosom buddies with everyone.

But a couple weeks ago a friend who I had not talked to in over a year reached out to me in the smallest of ways, and I jumped on it.  I told her the truth...I was avoiding her and most everyone else, and I was sorry and I missed her.  She forgave me immediately and without reserve, even though she had plenty of her own struggles that I was not there for.

We met up last week and fell back into an easy rapport.  We talked as we always did and laughed as we always did.  We had lots of catching up to do, but it was easy to do because the friendship was there.  She didn't hold it against me, and I didn't feel guilty about it anymore because we were still friends.

We talked openly about me going radio silent, and she gave me some great outlook and advice and compassion.  She told me we could go another year without talking and this would still feel this way when we met back up again.  And I believe her...but have no intention of waiting that long again!

I'm grateful, so grateful, for the incredible lesson in friendship she taught me.  I only hope I can be half the friend to her that she is to me.