Dear Universe

*Edited to add: this is written in a moment of weariness.  It's not directed at any one person or group of people.  It's just a collection of things that have become too much for me in a time where I really want to be feeling excited and not have people feeding into my natural anxiety over bringing another child into our home.  Apologies if people feel this is too snarky or just plain rude.*

Respectfully, to the universe and all the many well-intentioned people I come in contact with, here is what I don't need right now:

People telling me my son won't grieve.  He will.  My other two sons' grieving wasn't based on anything else than the supreme trauma of being ripped from everything they know and love and neither will Little Moon's.  This is going to be horrific for him. It's insulting to so many people, least of all my son, to suggest anything else.

People telling me Little Moon (or our whole family) will need therapy.  Maybe he will, and we have resources already identified and in place should he need that.  But it's not a guarantee, and I don't need people saddling my son with issues he may or may not need professional help for.  Unless you are an expert in the field of international closed toddler adoption and have written the 10+ books I have read multiple times on the subject, you are not more informed in this particular issue than I am.

Talking about how your kid would "never survive" something like this.  New flash: they would; they are just lucky enough not to have been dealt a lot in life where it became necessary. If your kid was ripped from your arms and given to a loving Korean family, they would grieve and then eventually learn Korean and live a happy life.  They would. So please don't act like your kid is any different than mine...the only thing different is that your kid doesn't have to survive a life trauma and mine does.

Expressing shock and trepidation over three kids so close in age.  Please people, we're doing this, our family is going to look this way, please deal with it and stop bringing it up to me like my answer is going to magically change to "OMG, you're right.  Three kids IS going to be way too much to handle.  I'll call Korea right now and tell them Little Moon can go live in an orphanage instead.  Thanks so much for bringing it to my attention."

Telling me I won't be able to do it alone with three kids. Bringing up Little Bug's special needs over and over. Suggesting all sorts of scenarios that seem impossible to accomplish successfully alone with three kids. Listen, I spend hours every day thinking through bedtime routines and cosleeping with Little Moon while supporting my two older kids and their sleep issues. And no, it's not going to be pretty and I will get hooked on Diet Dr Pepper again.  I think through how to navigate Little Bug's quiet time needs with two other child who can't be left unattended.  I look at my schedule and imagine how I'll never see a friend again once we add therapies in for TWO of our children.  There is nothing you can shockingly suggest to me that I haven't already through through and worried about.  And the honest truth is a lot of these things are going to be messy and hard at first.  But no matter what it looks like, make no mistake: I WILL DO IT. It's also fairly insulting to me and to my husband to suggest we didn't think about this sort of stuff when we decided to adopt a 3 year old child. 

What I do need:

People to offer acceptance.  Little Moon is going to come home with some special needs, some of which we don't quite know the extent of yet.  Add that the grief regression, and he's not going to look like a "typical" 3 year old.  I need people to love him and accept him for that instead of focusing on how he can "get better or get help."  I've got that under control.  I just need you to love him without judgement.

People to understand that we are choosing to adopt a child with special needs, but it doesn't mean we still can't be scared or intimidated or overwhelmed. Tell us we can do it because we are already well versed in managing expectations, embracing a new normal, advocating for our children, and accepting a child for who they are.  I need people to see our children for all the amazing parts of who they are, not the fact they were on a waiting child list.

People to let me be the expert. Instead of offering your opinion based on someone you know who adopted once or your own parenting experience with your biological child, please ask me what WE expect and listen and accept the education we have gathered from classes, books, people who have BTDT in situations very similar to ours, and experts from conferences, webinars, and private consultations, and two previous adoptions. It would mean so much to me if I could be the expert on my own uniquely formed family.

People to accept not seeing Little Moon (and me) for a while.  I need people to understand that right now, my priority is going to be on my sons and husband.  No one else.  I need people to love us from afar and not be offended that they don't get to be a part of however long we need to get to know each other.  I need people to be patient and trust that their part in our lives is still important, but just secondary in this situation.  And I need people to understand that the best way to show love for Little Moon in his first days home is to let him adjust to his new life in a small of increments as possible.

And most of all, People to simply tell me "Everything will be okay. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be fun and exciting and get better every day. You and your family will be okay...you'll eventually be great. You'll do whatever you need to make sure your family is healthy and happy."  Please, someone just tell me that....and mean it.