Bite my Tongue (and they should too)

I'm not perfect. I often get riled up quickly and with little provocation. I too often rush to present my view on things...because, let's face it, everyone naturally thinks that our view is worth listening to.

Lately I have been having to remind myself to take a breath and try to empathize or sympathize with someone before flying off the handle with my thoughts. People deal with stress in different ways, and oftentimes get caught up in details without stopping to reason through; I know I do. People sometimes need someone to blame when things feel out of their control.

So in the spirit of this being my blog (that I know most people don't read), I'm going to get a couple things off my chest and avoid bothering people who are dealing with a very real stress (I know, because I was there).

Let's talk adoption. Specifically Korean adoption. Specifically the mother-f-ing mystical P3 and Visa Interview (VI) that happen in the final stages before the children are cleared to travel to the US. Our agency claims these do not "exist" but other agencies and other message boards claim they do. US Immigration claims they do.

Adoption agencies have a lot of different philosophies. Our agency's philosophy for families to wait the reasonable amount of time before checking on paperwork....because frankly, they and the families have no control over it when it gets to Korea, so why freak out over it right away?

You want to know what I have been told? The P3 is a package of paperwork that goes to the Korean agency and must be returned to the embassy in Seoul before anything final can happen. However, it is all part of the final Visa step, so I don't think our agency breaks it out. The visa interview debate takes winners on both sides. It does exist, but not in the sense of an actual interview. Our children never show up at the embassy and babble for the officials. It's just a time set aside for our child's paperwork to be approved. Then all that paperwork goes back to the Korean agency and the travel call is issued after that. That is my opinion.

Or maybe I am the naive idiot. Maybe the adoption agency with 30+ years experience that we used is filled with idiots who intentionally want to upset families and hinder children's travel to their families, so they intentionally lie to stressed out families.

Or maybe, just maybe, different people call things different things. One man's P3 is another man's undefinable step in a larger process. Maybe our agency (and others like them) tries to minimize the freak-out that happens weeks before the travel call is expected to be issued. Families get upset when they call the state department every day for an update and nothing is there? Well, maybe that wouldn't happen if the families trusted their agency when they tell them to wait two weeks before calling instead of blaming the agency.

Don't even get me started on people getting angry that things are not happening faster than they were quoted. I can't go there today.

As I write this, I know that my perspective is jaded. I personally know and care for the person who is often accused of being the devious mastermind of withholding information. I went through the wait, and despite being prone to anxiety, I did not get publicly angry when my wait dragged on, I did not get publicly angry when I didn't get information that I was never promised in the first place, and I although the wait was awful, I didn't decide to start blaming people who have no control over the process and refused to buck the process for my impatience.

Adoption is a painful process, but it is nothing if not unpredictable. It sucks, but that.is.the.way.it.is.

This is harsh, I know, but I have to get it off my chest. If people want to bitch about a "worst-case scenario" or such an excruciating adoption experience, step right up and take me on. BRING IT ON. What my husband and I went through in the three weeks prior to meeting our son was a special brand of hell that few, if any that I know of, can match. We have not shared our story publicly because we worry that others, who are less inclined to accept the unpredictability and risk of adoption will use it against our agency, and I will be damned if that happens. The last thing I want to do is scare others off from the joys of adoption.

Look, every person has a valid right to feel pain and anguish as they wait for their child to come home...but why chose negativity? Does that make it feel better?

I have so much respect for the people who deal with this frustrating process in a classy way. They get frustrated, angry, and depressed, of course, but they chose faith and reason to cope in very public forums. Everyone has bad days, I certainly did and I am sure I will again when we get close to Little Bro's homecoming, but it's those people who can see the bad day for what it is--a bad day in an emotionally draining process--who daily remind me of what class and strength look like.

Oh, and those are the ladies who bite their tongue when the chatter gets a little poisonous as others' frustration turns mean spirited. I am learning from them that sometimes keeping silent is the best form of strength.

Can you tell that I am having a bad day myself? This post is my silent scream.