.....

Sometimes I have SO much to say that I literally can't say anything at all. In the past few days I have started and scrapped no less than 5 blournal entries.

I'm hoping getting this out will fix the block I have with sharing any of my feelings.

I hate being patient. I hate secrets. I hate anticipation. I hate fear and uncertainty. I hate placing my trust in others. I love secrets. I love the thrill of anticipation. I love having people around me that I can trust. I love learning to be patient and overcoming fear and uncertainty...okay, I'm still working on the last one.

I got on my knees last night and prayed...hard. The naked truth is that I'm a person filled with faith, but I'm pretty confused sometimes as to what my faith is in. But last night I prayed and was filled with an overwhelming conviction.

My life is good. So good.

So buoyed with that reminder and conviction, I'm feeling lighter and ready.....

I'm also feeling ready to start back in with my deep musings on toddler bodily fluids, so things are definitely clearer now...

Good Morning

This morning I had a wonderful dream. I don't know what it was about, but as I came out of it I was feeling warm and happy.

Then I felt the hot weight of my son's head pressed against my body, slumbering peacefully next to me.

I vaguely recall how he got in our bed, but it was the best wake-up surprise. Cuddling next to my sleeping child is one of my favorite things in the entire world and my day just can't go wrong when I start out with something that great.

Bravery

Ever since I became a mother, I've found myself changing and growing in significant ways. Among many changes, I've found myself becoming more brave. Not brave as in jumping out of a plane (which I would do, but only because I hate planes and would be more afraid to stay inside one), but brave emotionally. Having someone's health, happiness, safety, emotional wellbeing, and morality entrusted to little 'ole you makes someone shape up…fast. In the 18+ months Little Bug has been in our home, I've found myself becoming more and more brave with my emotions and dreams. Things that seemed out of the realm of possibility a few years back seem almost normal now.

That's a good thing.

This subtle bravery has helped me in my career. I'm going for things now, more than ever. I'm seeking new knowledge and skills and am not afraid to stand up for myself. Doors are opening and I'm walking through confident that I will have the support at home and at work.

Even more important, I'm becoming braver with my emotions. I'm opening myself up to sometimes scary or uncertain possibilities in the hope of something truly great. If I had been told 2 years ago that I would be the mother of a child with special needs, I would have been terrified…seriously crippled with fear and doubt. Now, I'm not only confident in my ability to parent and advocate for my child, but can see Appa and I maybe doing it again. Every kid is different, so it's much more about being brave enough to face a new unknown than it is an inner confidence. Heck, weeks after Little Bug came home, I wasn't sure I could be a mother, period. Now my mind is filled with thoughts of two or three kids filling my home. Emotionally, I am shocked at how brave I feel now when faced with the need to trust things and processes out of my control. It's pretty empowering to be able to talk yourself off that cliff of anxiety.

Speaking of two or three kids or children with special needs or trusting a process that has no defined end, bravery is the ability to be scared out of your freaking mind and still press forward with the things that you know in your heart, if not your mind, are right. Bravery is opening yourself up to being hurt and disappointed. Bravery is following your gut when you have no other reason. Bravery is readjusting expectations and plans and letting go. Bravery is holding on when you don't want to. Bravery is patience.

Life is exhilarating when lived bravely.

You Learn Something New Every Day

Yesterday Little Bug learned something new.

Ever since he learned how to clap with flat hands (which was an accomplishment in itself), he has quietly, if not enthusiastically, clapped for many things: food, my singing (what a angel), favorite shows, using a fork, and doing something naughty like turning off the TV when he knows he shouldn't.

It's a common occurrence in our house, so there was nothing special about yesterday when he was standing between my knees, clapping about something.

clap, clap, CLAP.

Gasp. The hands made a sound. A loud, satisfying smacking sound. Little Bug looked up at me with a mixture of wonder and confusion.

clap, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.

If I could only capture the excitement on his face as he realized he could make this new, loud sound on command....it was like, for just one moment, his world was rocked as he discovered something new and fun that will change the way he does something for the rest of his life (even something so insignificant).

Definitely worth clapping about.

This Mama Needs A Hobby

It has become apparent to me recently that I need a hobby…preferably a constructive one that does not involve the computer (or any of the tracking lists, blogs, bulletin boards, online groups, etc. that come with it).

The problem is I am essentially a bookish sort of girl who is happiest curled up with a book or my computer. Sure, I love to go out and be active, explore things, etc., but those really aren't things I can translate into a daily hobby I can use to take my mind off of what is looking to be an emotionally draining couple of months where I will need to be keeping busy and sane.

I enlisted my BFF Ali(ce)'s help in coming up with a hobby for me. She knows me really well (partly because she is like 85% the same person). Her response, "This is a little tricky since we are not super crafty people." She's right; I have no patience for anything creative (other than Blurb, which is off limits as it is a computer-related hobby). This means things like sewing, kitting, scrapbooking, quilting, and anything else like that is off the table.

I considered exploring cooking, but the reality of my working mom status is that cooking a creative or fun meal is just not really a daily option. I considered redecorating my house, but the only room I really need to redecorate is Little Bug's new room, and I'll be honest, that's not where my head needs to be right now. Plus, any other room would just be me spending money on more decorations. I don't think Appa would really get behind that sort of hobby. I don't draw, or paint, or even have an idea how to repurpose things for artistic purposes.

We finally came up with something that would be useful and something I could be successful with some time and effort.

I'm going to landscape our yard.

For me, this will be a major undertaking. I hate to garden. Hate it. The previous owners planted all these fancy flowers and plants that bloom throughout the year and I hate them because the way they are planted leaves room for tons of weeds (not to mention I think some of them look like weeds). I like boring, traditional, symmetrical looking landscaping…they liked cracked-out abstract not-sure-if-that-was-an-accident-or-not landscaping. It's going to be a challenge, and that is exactly what I need.

My plan of attack is to spend time right now researching how to garden, what types of plants and flowers and planters I would like to use, and planning out my planting. Once it gets warmer and lighter, I will be able to work on this project after Little Bug goes down for bed.

I'll need to get an outdoor wine glass...

So, if anyone has tips on gardening, ripping out expensive flowers, various types of low-maintenance plants and ground cover, send them my way.

Operation
Exchange Vegetation And Negativity
has officially began.

11:11

I don't wish upon a star. I don't cringe when I see a black cat cross my path. I've stepped joyfully on many a crack and my mother's back has never once broke.

But ever since I was young, when I see 11:11 on a clock, I compulsively, passionately, ALWAYS pause and make a wish. Lately, I've been seeing it a lot, sometimes even twice a day.

Is it because I have a fervent wish right now that I am subconsciously drawn to the clock at that moment?

Nah, it's probably just the moment my tummy has become accustom to starting the lunch countdown.

But it can't hurt, right?

Why I am Obsessed With LMH and Other Justifications

In the last month I have found myself harboring a bit of an obsession with Korean dramas. On the expert recommendation of another adoptive mama, I started watching a very popular drama (subtitled, of course) and 25 hours over the span of 4 sick days later, I was hooked. I'm almost finished with my second one, have a list of dramas to chose from next, and am anxiously waiting (along with the rest of Korea) a new drama that will premiere next week....no idea when it will actually get subbed and put online for me though.

Appa thinks, among other things, that I am being a "poser;" essentially trying to like something Korean for the sake of it being Korean.

That is both true and untrue.

I've always loved foreign films; I own subtitled movies in Spanish and French. So in that respect, no, it's not out of the norm for me to enjoy this sort of thing.

However, would I have sought out dramas from other cultures on a whim in the first place? Probably not. I've got plenty of the OTH and LU and GG here to keep me entertained. I sought out Korean dramas because my son was born in Korea, and the dramas are a great way to see the minutia of his birth culture; the food, the slang, the way they hang out, the family dynamics. (Although I do understand that most families dynamics do not consist of ultra wealthy families with villainous mothers and sons who wear fur-trimmed trench coats and zip off for vacations on private jets with their perfectly permed hair, which is sort of a shame.)

The thing is, I might have sought the first one out because it was Korean, but now I am hooked because they are entertaining. I like hearing Korean and seeing all the different cultural nuances, but most importantly, I like the stories. Just like my American dramas, I am hooked on the characters and the plot. The way they use the lid of the pot to eat ramen or yelling "fighting" with fists raised when they are pumping someone up is not what keeps me up until the wee hours of the morning watching.....

As I watch more and more dramas, I'm starting to get to know some of the actors and actresses. I'm fans of some (like LMH) and not fans of others. I read some recap blogs that inadvertently provide valuable insight into what is reality and what is pretty outlandish and overdone in the dramas. I'm getting to know the different types of Korean shows and how they are cast, filmed, and viewed. It's opened up another facet of Korean culture I might never have known about.

How will this help my son? Oh, it probably won't. When Little Bug starts to learn about Korean culture, we probably won't lead with the shooting schedule of a 25 episode Korean drama.

This is all for me, and I won't even attempt to pretend this is for my son or for my exploration of Korean culture anymore. I'm just a fan girl who gets some side benefits out of her newest guilty pleasure.

But if Little Bug ever wants a hair style suggestion, I'm one click away from providing him with a most excellent and swoon-worthy hair style that looks great on a Korean man.....