If you love something, set it free

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

With Little Bug spreading his wings and getting more daring as he tries to walk by himself, it was inevitable that there would be a moment when I wasn't there to cushion his fall. I have to let him try on his own; I know that. He will only be able to truly succeed on his own if I give him the chance to do so. But, letting your child fail is very hard to do.

It could have been worse. One of those teeth could have actually been missing after I was able to clean up enough of the gushing blood to check.

With just a little bit of blood and tears still flowing, Little Bug continued to try to stand up and walk. Continued to dare to succeed. It took everything I had not to scoop my little crying, hurt baby up in my arms and carry him under my wing until he was all better. If he had wanted it, I would have. I wanted to.

But he didn't. He wanted to be brave and keep going.

So I had to let him try.

Our kids teach us so much about life. Sometimes I wonder how I lived the last 28 years without the lessons Little Bug has taught me in that last 14 months. Patience. Unconditional Love. Gratitude. Courage. Gritty Determination. How nearly all cliches are actually true.

If you love something, set it free.

At least a little bit.

Routine Magic

As a working mama, I have found that I have to go out of my way to plan things for my family. Not so much on the weekend, although I am getting much better about filling out schedule, but rather with providing Little Bug, Appa, and I with those fun little memories, things that might be too small to block a weekend off for, but are definitely not your normal night at home.

My days are spent at work and my evenings between the hours of 4:00-8:oo pm are spent with Little Bug feeding him, playing with him, working on his therapy, bathing him, and putting him down to sleep. Honestly, although 4 hours seems like a lot of time, it goes by really quickly. One or two errands will throw our whole routine off, and my family thrives on routine.

However, routine is also rarely magical or memorable.

So I am trying hard to find little things I can do in the evening that are magical and memorable and still within that 4 hours time block. Sometimes I take Little Bug out to eat by myself (Appa usually works late). Sometimes we finger paint in the back yard or have a picnic or play in a fountain or take swimming lessons.

With the weather in the Midwest, my plans have had to become even more creative (which is a stretch for me because I am really not creative at all). So, when I saw our local botanical garden had a "choo choo" exhibit, I made an effort to get tickets (for three separate dates). We went for the first time last night.

And it was magical.

It only took an couple hours in that sweet spot between dinner and bed time, but it was definitely a memory for me, and a real treat for Little Bug. It was something out of the ordinary and exciting and simple. I'm hoping to make this a tradition in my family in the coming years.

Spending time with my son is always special, but sometimes you need to break the routine for something even more special.

I could have written about that.

Over the long holiday weekend I had at least one moment a day where I thought "I need to blournal this...."

Of course, I didn't end up doing any of those posts.

I could have written about how I wept when I talked to my family who was gathered at home in Idaho on Thanksgiving. How I missed them so much my heart hurt.

I could have written about how much I enjoyed spending time with my husband's extended family on Thanksgiving, and how thankful I was to be surrounded by such wonderful people to call my extended family.

I could have written about the secret someone very dear shared with me, and how that secret made me feel. (Okay, I actually could not have written about that secret...yet.)

I could have written about how helpless I felt when Little Bug had a sore throat and was miserable.

I could have written about how this holiday season feels so much different and more magical than last year. I could have written about how excited I am to share the holidays with my son and husband and feel the magic that comes during this time of year.

I could have written about putting the poinsettias out as my first Christmas decoration in honor of my Grandma. I could have written about how much I miss her and how much she meant to me.

I could have written about my computerless-Saturday night spent watching Underworld: Something About the Lycans or whatever while snuggling with my husband. How something about the light in our front room and the smell of our pine candle made the whole evening feel like something more than just an old movie at home.

I could have written about watching The Blind Side and all the thankful emotions it brought out.

I could have written about how proud I was that Little Bug started standing up on his own and how fun it was to cheer him on, Appa and my feet touching to create a protective diamond around our hard-working son.

I could have written about how proud I am that I have done the dishes and picked up the house every night for a week.

I could have written about how I tried to be a domestic goddess and make some yummy apple cider out of things I already had in my kitchen, and how it turned out moderately successful.

I could have written about how frustrated I was when I realized all the prepackaged Korean food I have been serving to my family has MSG, and how I will now have to start making my own...and how scary and daunting that is to me.

I could have written about how it feels to have a moment of kindness where you allow yourself to admit that you are a pretty good wife and mom.

I could have written about a lot of things in the last week....
but instead I just lived them and let them hide away to be blournaled another day.

You know you're a mama when....

Your workspace art is proudly "kid deco."

I've waited a long time to find ugly blobs of paint on paper beautiful and marks of creative genius.

Easy

Yesterday was one of those perfect days.

Sure, I had to leave my girl's weekend getaway early. Sure, Little Bug skipped his nap and freaked out about it. Sure, I was trying to clean my house and keep said freaking-out napless child sort of happy. Sure, I fought with Appa over prioritizing cleaning rooms in our house. Sure, my favorite NFL football team looked like a bunch of high school walk-ons.

Yet, late last night, as I was uploading 70 pictures for my mother and trying not to fall asleep in my chair, I couldn't help but think that it was one of those days where being a mother was easy and fun. Little Bug's enjoyment of our simple birthday gestures and our enjoyment at his enjoyment made for a really magic day for me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the challenges of motherhood that I let the simple pleasures pass me by. Those genuine moments shared between the three of us, organic and perfect in their sincerity:

Appa pulling a laughing Little Bug around in his new wagon while I chased after them with the camera, the morning sunlight streaming through all our windows.
Little Bug reaching on his tippy toes for the tangle of balloons. His thrill when he finally was able to reach some.
Putting the two little flowers in the special celadon vase we brought back from Korea and whispering to Little Bug who those flowers were in honor of.
Appa and I watching Little Bug's eyes widen the first time the model train brought food to our table.
Little Bug lying in the floor with this serious and contemplative look on his face as I snapped a picture, even though I know his frown was a momentary bit of rest from all the fun he was having with his gorilla, and not from sadness.
Little Bug standing in the center of a circle of 6 adoring female family members who were fawning over his every smile. Like my kid needs more of an ego boost.
Little Bug sweetly sharing his drink with his new Elmo doll.
Appa, Little Bug, and I having some rare jammie time cuddling downstairs right before bed.
All the times I looked at Little Bug and convinced myself that he indeed did look older and different now that he was 2.

Easy moments that made my little boy's special day a special day for me, too.

Today

Today a mother is celebrating her son's 2nd birthday.

She might be celebrating it by having a special meal, or writing a special letter, or singing a special song. She might be commemorating his 2nd birthday with whispered well wishes or shedding private bittersweet tears. I don't know how she is celebrating it, but I know without a doubt that she is in whatever way she can.

Today I am celebrating my son's 2nd birthday.

I'm celebrating his birthday by having a special meal, writing a special letter, and singing a special song. I'm commemorating his 2nd birthday by whispering heartfelt hopes and well wishes into his ear as he naps, and I woke up this morning and cried bittersweet tears into my pillow.

Today we are celebrating our son's 2nd birthday. The day that he came into the world and changed both our lives forever. We might never meet, but on this day, more than any other day, we are so much more than a "birth mother" and an "adoptive mother."

Today we are both just his mother. Two women who would sacrifice everything for his happiness and who are both sending the same thought to each other..."thank you for loving him."

Her and I.

Heart-exploding love

This morning my heart is filled with love for my husband and my son. Even more than usual.

Yes, my husband broke out into possibly some of the dorkiest dance moves I have ever seen this morning while I was trying to get ready for work, and yes, my son has spent the last 2 days doing some unspeakable things in his diaper that got him sent home from school and keep him up at night.

Yet, I love them both all the more for it.