Daily Dose of Mama: Yesterday

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Yesterday

Yesterday ended with me laying in the middle of my family room floor, exhausted and sad and scared. At 7:45 pm, I could literally do nothing but give up the day.

Actually it ended with me laying in bed watching the Presidential "debate" and then streaming season 3 Downton episodes to scrub the ick from my mind and make the day end somewhere happy. (No spoilers, but that certainly didn't work either.)

Anyway, yesterday was a hard day. Little Bro is excelling at being 3, which means he has already figured out every button and boundary I have and spends his entire day trying to defy them. That, I could handle. But my Little Bug had a bad day. A BAD day. And it was the kind of bad day that leaves me scared and unsure of how to move forward.

Some things are happening in his body. Things we don't quite understand how or why, but things that are increasingly not looking like quirks. Things that keep me up at night but are pushed away in the morning as anxious worrying are now topics his teachers call us about during emergency phone calls from the classroom. Are they side effects of medication? Of sensory needs? Of brain functions? Of seizures?

I had my first full blown panic attack (in years) a week and a half ago and have been on edge ever since.

And yesterday it all was on full display, along with some insane emotional and social stuff that left me actively restraining him for his and his brother's comfort. None of my restart tricks worked. Nothing. It was scary and sad, for all three of us.

Yesterday I felt so hopelessly alone in life. It's a dark place to be.

This morning has been better. He's still acting off, but he's happy and trying and seems comfortable. I'll run with that.

But the future holds increasingly more yesterdays for us. More confusion, more fear, and more hard choices. Yesterday convinced me fully that our tomorrows need to hold some new appointments, new avenues to explore, and more people on Team Little Bug.

There was no fix for yesterday. But there is hope for today and tomorrow.

4 comments:

Annie BOctober 18, 2012 at 2:37 PM
That sounds absolutely terrifying and exhausting. I have no doubt that you will be the best advocate for your son to achieve the best outcome possible. I hope you're getting enough support for you, though, whatever that may be. Thinking of you.
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NoraOctober 18, 2012 at 7:36 PM
Oh, friend. My heart breaks to hear of Little Bug's struggles--I can only imagine how scary it must be to watch him struggle. Lots of love to all of you.
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KrisOctober 19, 2012 at 9:22 AM
This is so scary. I'm thinking of you and praying for Little Bug. Keep us posted on how he is doing.
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ShandaOctober 25, 2012 at 9:58 AM
I'm sorry to hear this! I'll keep you in my prayers. One of my friends posted a while back how God doesn't test us more than we can handle, and I commented back that God gives me way too much credit then. He responded that maybe I don't give myself enough credit. It was really thought provoking. You are stronger than you think! And God loves and cares for you, and Little Bug! He'll help you through this!
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Thanks for your daily dose of you....

Everyday Mama

I'm a 32-year-old everyday mama. My husband (Appa) and I adopted our first son Little Bug (at 10 months old) from Korea in September 2008. We adopted our second son, Little Bro, from Korea in April 2011 at age 21 months. We adopted our third son,Little Moon, at age 3 in November 2013. I've wanted to be a mama for a long time, but I'm still trying to figure out the reality of it all and take time to enjoy the delicate beauty of the highs and the lows.

I worked full time as an editor, which I loved; but I made the bittersweet decision to stay home with my children after Little Bro came home. I'm now clumsily finding my footing in a new world of housekeeping, menu planning, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, and rainy-day activities, as well as navigating the world of IEPs, parent advocacy, and special needs education (spoiler: I suck at house work). My husband is hot and smart and quiet and loyal, and I think (know) my sons are the cutest, happiest little boys in the world.

I also struggle at times with mild depression, anxiety, post-adoption depression, my husband's constant absence due to his stressful and super time-consuming job, the challenges of helping my older son with his sometimes exhausting special needs, and our transition to a family of three little boys with just 19 and 14 months between them. I worry way too much about what people think of me, hate talking on the phone, and I am trying to trust myself more.

Oh yeah, I'm unable to give birth to children; love books, writing, traveling, and the color brown; hate to clean, cook, craft, or do laundry; allergic to pretty much everything but food (thank God); and think camping in anything but a tent is lame.

I needed somewhere to drop my daily mama thoughts and musings on toddler poop to avoid massive clutter and ramblings on our private family blog. Writing it down on paper is so '90s.

This is my everyday "blournal" as I navigate through my life as a first-time (or is it third-time now?) mama and long-time me. So....hi.

You can contact me at daily.dose.of.mama (at) gmail.com.

THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS COPYRIGHT PROTECTED.

As an editor, I deal with people on a regular basis who think images or content on the internet (whether it does or does not have a copyright designation) are "fair use." Your lesson for the day is that anything someone writes or creates that is published on the internet is copyright protected, whether he or she spells it out or not. Although I doubt anyone wants to steal my riveting posts on toddler poop, it doesn't hurt to educate the world about the wonderful magic of online copyright law.