Now, the new, more subtle was of determining how I came to be wrangling two small Koreans is a different, seemingly innocent question that I literally get 2-3 times a week.
"Are they brothers?"
And although the snarky responses you read in all the adoption literature comes to mind, my go to answer falls in line with my general rule on these sorts of questions...simple and honest.
"Yes."
But the thing is, I know that isn't what they are asking. I know they aren't using the word brothers the way I am. I know they are asking about blood and biology and a single birth mother and some history or story that is bound to be interesting. But, if that was all it was, me choosing to ignore the implications behind the question, that would be fine. It's the follow-up comments that I have been shocked to discover nearly always follow my simple and honest answer.
In the last week alone, these are some of the comments I have received in response to my answer.
"How wonderful you were able to keep them together."
"I can tell. Their eyes have the same shape." [Really?! Here is a news flash, nice lady handing out chocolate milk samples at Costco, there are around 50 million other people in the world who have the same "shape" of eyes as my kids. I am pretty sure they aren't all related. If they were, Lee Min Ho would be having dinner at my place...like every night.]
"What a sad story with such a happy ending!"
"You can tell."
"I didn't know you could adopt siblings from Asia."
"They're twins, right?"
So here is my dilemma. I really like my less-is-more approach in general because it works for my personality, but in this case, I am finding it increasingly important to offer up information speaking to the implication of this question. It's not a huge deal right now with my boys understanding what is being said, but when they get older, I don't want to have to continue the conversation with these strangers in order to set the record straight when their assumptions become clear, nor do I want to lie or hide the fact that my children are not biological brothers, because it doesn't make them any less of brothers, and I want them to know that and own that.
I have started practicing with the answer "they are now," and that seems to get the point across, but also tends to fluster people and make them backpedal, which makes me feel bad. Then again, it's not offensive, so perhaps I shouldn't care that I've made people who asked an awkward question feel awkward themselves. But even that answer feels like it has a shelf life, as it might be a little odd to say "they are now" when they've been brothers for 10+ years or something.
It's the most interesting of transitions from going from one child to two, and I find it has made our family even more conspicuous, more interesting to strangers, and more vulnerable to prying questions.
But for the record, as far as I am concerned, the only answer that is really true is "yes."
They are brothers.
I get that same question a lot - well, I get "Are they brother and sister?" I have said both "yes" and "they are now." I know what they really want to ask, but it just annoys me. I have found that my answer and whether or not I elaborate depends greatly on my mood and if I am in a hurry or not. I don't feel guilty for giving a short answer at all because it's the truth and sometimes it's just nice to play dumb. Especially when people feel like it is their place to ask dumb questions.
ReplyDeleteYep - we get this ALL THE TIME. Especially with 3 Korean kids very close in age.
ReplyDeleteSo I sympathize. And understand that the question behind the question is what really irks me.
But anyway, I started off with the "they are now" and found that it didn't work too well for the reasons you said and also because I often hears "you know what I mean." Yes, I do. And I don't feel the need to respond to that, stranger who hasn't said hi to me yet feels that it is okay to know details of my children's lives.
But, I am also uncomfortable by the follow-up questions. The huge smile that people get when they believe that we are saints for having kept biological siblings together. Sometimes I want to corrent that assumption too, because it implies biological ties are the most important. But I tend to just not respond if they don't continue the conversation. Or, if they say something like when did you bring them home, I'll tell them the different years. I don't hide the information, but I also don't offer more than is needed to strangers.
And at the end of the day, my kids know they are siblings. And we are a family. I focus on them knowing that and worry less about how others see us.
This is a tough one. I like "they are now", but I can see how it has a shelf life. What if you said, "yes, they are both my sons! Aren't I lucky?". Or maybe you could say, "yes, they are, and I love your dress. Where did you get it?". Just change the subject in the same breath? Maybe ending it like that makes it seem less hostile than other ways you could go?? I really don't know. I have found myself not holding eye contact with some people because I just feel a question or comment coming. And I don't always want to field questions--Matthew is totally aware of everything being said and it makes him very uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. Many times I've had the same question. I have found my best response:
ReplyDelete"Yes" (smile. head nod. silence. eye contact.) That usually flusters them (and since I'm not responsible for making someone else feel comfortable, I don't care what their reaction is to my answer). They usually followup with an explanation why they asked. I proceed: Smile. silence. Eye contact. No words spoken. They usually shut up by then.
When everything is said and done, and Stefan and I are long gone, it's these brothers who we hope will rely on eachother. And I'm never changing my answer. Because they are. Plain and simple. They know it, and that's all that matters.
Hmmm... Well, you could adopt one more. Then people will stop asking if they are siblings and ask instead if you do daycare :).
ReplyDeleteActually, I used "They are now" when Hope and Mercy were little. Now that they are old enough that I don't think strangers should be asking such things of me in their hearing,I turn the question to the girls and ask with a smile in my voice, "Are you guys sisters?!" The girls giggle because posed that way, it is obvious how silly the question is. "Of COURSE we're sisters!" they reply. Then at 5 & 6 they decided on their own that they would proactively volunteer the answer to the inevitable next question: "But we're NOT twins!" Carrie
I think "yes" is the only possible answer...I'm not sure what to do with the follow up questions though! I just get "do you do daycare?" all the time. Then they are usually too distracted by their dumb birthmark curiosity to ask anything else about my kids origins.
ReplyDeleteWhat I usually say is, "they are siblings in our family" followed with a big smile. My oldest is old enough to sort of grasp the concept of having different birth parents than the other two, but to kids, when you grow up together, you are SIBLINGS plain and simple. Things may change as they age, but we'll talk about it, and each child can handle it the way he or she wants to. My oldest (6) was recently asked about his heritage while I wasn't around. He told me he told that person, "I'm 100% Korean!" Interestingly enough, the person who was asking was a teenage boy who was obviously Asian of some sort:)
ReplyDeleteWhat a question, but I guess I'm not surprised you get it. I think YES is the perfect answer. It is simple and accurate. I like what everyone else had to say, too.
ReplyDelete