Panic

Note from me: If you are a waiting mama who is having a rough time with the wait right now, please don’t read this. I want to be sensitive to everyone who is still waiting, but also need to document my own feelings to stay true to the ultimate purpose of this blog. I worry this might be construed by some as complaining about having my baby come home soon, and I know that could cause a lot of pain to people whose babies are not.

With Little Bro’s paperwork actually moving, with a time frame actually happening, I’ve experienced something unexpected in the last few days.

Panic. Sheer, consuming, anxiety-attack producing panic.

It started hours after we got our EP submittal call. I was walking into the big box store to buy some celebratory champagne and happened to see one of those double child shopping carts. It was big and bulky and looked like a pain in the butt to navigate. It was also front facing.

And I started having trouble breathing.

In 8 weeks I will have two kids and need to use that very shopping cart. Two little kids. Suddenly all around the real life adjustments started staring me in the face. Two is not just one more than one. Two is TWICE as much as one. That can’t be easy.

Appa and I sat down Friday night and made a list of things we needed to do and buy. We’ve spent so long thinking Little Bro was so far away that we’ve never actually physically prepared for him to come. Sure, we have a double bike trailer and stroller and matching Jamaica shirts, but is that really what’s going to be our basic survival needs in our first days and weeks as a family of four? Probably not.

Instead, we dropped serious dough we probably should have been spacing out over these last 10 months on another baby carrier, another table booster, and two new car seats. We also realized that the bathroom gutting/remodel that needs to happen sooner rather than later (think cracking, molding tub) should probably happen before we cocoon our family in Little Bro’s transition period. Switching Little Bug into his new room? That went on our list, too. As did actually painting and converting our guest room/office into his new room. Oy.

And my whole “prepare for the long end of the wait” plan has sort of put a cramp in my project schedules at work. It looks like they are going to need to hire a temp to cover my editing. Not totally my fault, but it’s stressful to rework our plans and for me to turn over projects I had been planning on starting.

And then there is just the panic of a new mother facing an unknown. Appa travels…..a lot. We’ll have 2 weeks to move our nights to some semblance of survival mode before I have to go it alone. Although I won’t be alone. I’ll have two kids who won’t want to go to bed. Our sleep training for Little Bug just took a new and less desirable twist. During the day Little Bug’s life will continue to be normal. He’ll have his school and friends and teachers to give him some semblance of normalcy while Little Bro and I try to get to know each other, and for that I am grateful.

And Little Bug. My little one who I see as half gentle giant and half baby. Being a big brother is going to change something inside of him. He’ll grow and develop so much once his little brother is home. All good changes, I am sure, but it makes my heart hurt a bit to know that soon he’ll never be the only apple of my eye, my only little love. He’s going to have to grow up a little bit, and as much as I want that and as much as he needs that…..being the big brother means he’s not the baby. That’s exciting and sad.

And our extended family, who are all so supportive. I’m starting to write the letters I’ve been putting off, because things will be different this transition. Not in a popular different way, I think. I dread having to spell out some of the things that we feel are necessary for this transition (a 22 month old versus a 10 month old), especially because our family simply wants to cloak the four of us in love. It’s stressful to have to ask your wonderful family to please phone that cloaking love in…for a while.

All these things don’t even have to do really with Little Bro, who is the BIGGEST and most important part of this transition time. At 2, he’s going to come to us with a personality we didn’t have a chance to help mold. What if he’s the natural alpha? What if he is mean to Little Bug? What if he and Little Bug don’t get along? What if he’s a bully or thinks Little Bug is boring? What if Little Bug is mean to him? Little Bro has been the only and oldest child for the last 20 months of his life….transitioning into the little brother might not be something he is really keen on doing. I know that most of these things will work themselves out, and I do truly think Little Bug and Bro will end up being very chummy. Little Bro seems like an outgoing and friendly child, and even if he is the alpha, if that’s what works for them, that’s fine with me. But part of me, as an oldest child myself who doesn’t totally understand what it’s like to live further down on the sibling chain, it feels a bit like I’m cheating Little Bro out of the chance to have my every thought and action focused on only him, like it was on his brother. What if he needs more than I can give?

A million dollar motherhood question that has nothing to do with adoption, I am sure.

So basically, I’m freaking out. But as sweaty as my palms are, I am still insanely grateful for this chance. I never thought that we would have Little Bro home in April, and the feeling that rises above all this panic when I think about it is one of total joy. In 8 weeks, for better or for worse (but I’m betting for better), my family is going to get the supreme honor of having this amazing little child join our family. If that means late nights and stressful conversations and crazy remodels and big expenses…bring it on. Little Bro is so, so, so worth it.