The Weight of Another 28 Pounds

Today I was pushing a cart full of kid out of Costco. It was bitterly cold. The kids were shivering. I forgot my gloves.

And yet, the answer to a question I hadn't even realized I was asking myself hit me in that moment. Despite having another child, a dog, a traveling husband, and cruddy weather, why was I so relaxed and simply happy?

It hit me that for the first time ever, really, I feel complete.  I've spent most of my life waiting for someone to come into my life. I've been with Appa for so long, but we waited a long time before getting married.  Then we waited a couple years before decided to start a family.  And then we waited a few more before actually starting a family.  Each time we brought a child into our home, in the back of my mind I was always already waiting for the next one.

But today, for the first time, I realized I am waiting for no one.  My family, the people who I will spend the rest of my life loving more than anything else in the world, are all in my arms now.

I can only describe that feeling as a weight lifting off my heart.

My mother once told me that she felt an emptiness inside her heart and she knew that someone in our family was missing. Once my youngest brother came along, she told me that feeling was finally gone.  I never really understood, but I do now.

I didn't realize how much I felt stifled by the never-ending waiting.  Every vacation, every family picture, every holiday for a very very very long time has been spent wishing for someone else to be with us. I just feel so blessedly happy to finally feel like I can move forward to enjoy each moment in completeness.

We'll never say never, because you never know what life will bring, but I know that my heart is finally telling me to breath and enjoy life.

So I shall.