First Day Blues

Oy.

Seriously, Oy.

Yesterday Little Bug said goodbye to the school he's been at for the last 3 years.  They have played a huge part in his life and therapy and helped built him up into a pretty confident boy.  I tried to write about it last night, but sobbed my brains out, so the letter I wrote them will have to suffice for his memory book.  That and the book the teachers wrote him, each page filled with a letter from someone special in his life.  They shared memories of his first step, his leg braces, his first slide, his first bike ride, his first sentences, etc.  The messages were filled with pride, love, and hope.  They were beautiful and heartfelt and I've sobbed every time I have gone through it.

Moving on as tears threaten...again.

Yesterday was also emotional because it was the open house for Little Bug's new school.  This school is specifically for children with significant special needs and it is full time.  (He'll be going half day to this school and half day to a developmental preschool elsewhere in our district.)  Appa and I fought against this school for the last 2 years, but we finally agreed to this half day program when it became clear that Little Bug needs this one-on-one ratio to really focus on his education goals.  Our eye is on Little Bug being in GenEd Kindergarden at least part time next year, and that just won't happen without this school.

So recap...this school is a good thing for him.

But it's very different than anything he's done before.  The classroom is pretty bare and drab since some of the students can't handle too much stimulation.  Most of his classmates can't talk and about half can't move without the aid of a wheelchair.  There isn't a lot of fluff...it's down and dirty life skills and learning.  I actually look at these things as good things.  He'll be making friends with kids who are different than the other kids he knows, and that is always a bonus to me. But it's different and a bit intense right now.

Yesterday as we walked into the school, Little Bug told me that his tummy hurt and he was feeling like throwing up.  Classic signs of his anxiety.  Seeing him experience and identify nervousness made my heart sad.  Scared is one thing, but nervousness just seems like such a grown up emotion that I wanted to shield my baby from, especially when it comes to school, which he normally loves.

The open house was intimidating, even though all the teachers and students seem awesome, and Little Bug latched onto me and refused to interact with anyone and was asking to leave...very NOT Little Bug behavior.  After about an hour he started crying and begging to leave.  He clutched my hand the whole way back to the car and kept saying "No go back to Ms. Dxxxxx school tomorrow."

I cried for the millionth time after dropping him back off at his beloved traditional preschool. 

And this morning he woke up sad because he knew he was going back to that school.  He acted out all morning and begged to go back to his traditional preschool.  I packed him a favorite lunch and decked him out in his favorite Thomas shirt and firetruck shoes.  I clapped and cheered and acted like school was going to be the coolest thing ever...because it will be soon.

And he stood stock still for 40+ "first day of school" photos with various shades of concerned and worried looks on his face.

The bus came and he bravely gave me kisses and waved goodbye.  Because THAT is the kid Little Bug is.  He's brave and strong and will do what he needs to do, even when he is nervous or sad.  And Little Bug is also the kid who falls in love hard and fast and would much rather smile than frown, and I have sincere hope that those qualities will help him find his groove at this new school soon.

This is a good thing, but man, it is hard to watch your baby battle through their fears.