Daily Dose of Mama: The Pendulum Swings

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Pendulum Swings

Friday: Little Bug wakes up and immediately begins to exhibit signs of an impulsive, emotionally-unstable mood. PT and Korean class are hell; he and I cry the whole way home. He passes out at 7 pm, and I go out for dinner and drinks with my girlfriends, trying hard not to down the entire jug of sangria myself. [Side note: chick flicks and drinks with girlfriends can cure darn near anything.]

Saturday: Little Bug wakes up and has a wonderful music class where he participates and controls himself. He's happy and having fun. I breath in a deep sigh of relief.

Saturday afternoon: Little Bug begins to fall apart, throwing things, crying hard, whining, and unable to listen and control himself. Appa and I exchange sad looks before trying hard to make him comfortable and give him activities to work off some energy. It doesn't work, and he goes to bed exhausted and sad. Actually, the whole family does.

Sunday morning: Little Bug wakes up very uncomfortable in his skin. Appa cuts his rare and much deserved b-ball session short to come home and support us. Little Bug is cycling through emotions fast and furiously and is really unhappy and unpredictable. I steal a moment with Appa and tear up as he hugs me because we hate seeing my boy so unhappy.

Sunday afternoon: We go outside to get some air and Little Bug gets on his tricycle, give it a couple good rocks, and then starts pedaling.

PEDALING.

Little Bug has never really pedaled before, or even shown any real interest. Then Sunday, in the midst of a very long stretch of bad days, he just decided that pedaling was the best way to ride his bike and made it happen. I happened to turn in time to catch the moment, and just like his first steps years ago, my heart stopped a bit before I started running towards him screaming praises and excitement. I will never, ever forget his face as I crouched low to his and started showering him in kisses. His cheeks were cold and red from the almost-snowing weather, his eyes were bright with excitement and joy, and his smile was one of his most authentic, joy-filled big smiles--the kind I don't realize are so rare until I see one. It was one of those moments where we both know he just broke through another milestone, another big skill that isn't just a stepping stone, but a full skill.

It was easily a moment I will never forget. I'm so proud of him.

But the pendulum swings in extremes in our world, and although it swung so high in that moment, the truth is it was coming from a low place and went back there fast making Sunday another rough day overall.

I share this for two reasons. First, we're deep in pendulum swings right now and writing it down simply makes me feel more in control and helps me remember for every bad weekend, there are more good weekends. But most important, I share it because in the midst of a terribly hard weekend, I want Little Bug to know how strong he is, even at age 4, to fight to swing the pendulum to something high. His fighting spirit is what has and will help him continue to rise above his limitations to reach his full potential.

1 comment:

TiffanyMarch 6, 2012 at 1:08 AM
I love this entry. You will be so glad you recorded it. The good and the bad.
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Thanks for your daily dose of you....

Everyday Mama

I'm a 32-year-old everyday mama. My husband (Appa) and I adopted our first son Little Bug (at 10 months old) from Korea in September 2008. We adopted our second son, Little Bro, from Korea in April 2011 at age 21 months. We adopted our third son,Little Moon, at age 3 in November 2013. I've wanted to be a mama for a long time, but I'm still trying to figure out the reality of it all and take time to enjoy the delicate beauty of the highs and the lows.

I worked full time as an editor, which I loved; but I made the bittersweet decision to stay home with my children after Little Bro came home. I'm now clumsily finding my footing in a new world of housekeeping, menu planning, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, and rainy-day activities, as well as navigating the world of IEPs, parent advocacy, and special needs education (spoiler: I suck at house work). My husband is hot and smart and quiet and loyal, and I think (know) my sons are the cutest, happiest little boys in the world.

I also struggle at times with mild depression, anxiety, post-adoption depression, my husband's constant absence due to his stressful and super time-consuming job, the challenges of helping my older son with his sometimes exhausting special needs, and our transition to a family of three little boys with just 19 and 14 months between them. I worry way too much about what people think of me, hate talking on the phone, and I am trying to trust myself more.

Oh yeah, I'm unable to give birth to children; love books, writing, traveling, and the color brown; hate to clean, cook, craft, or do laundry; allergic to pretty much everything but food (thank God); and think camping in anything but a tent is lame.

I needed somewhere to drop my daily mama thoughts and musings on toddler poop to avoid massive clutter and ramblings on our private family blog. Writing it down on paper is so '90s.

This is my everyday "blournal" as I navigate through my life as a first-time (or is it third-time now?) mama and long-time me. So....hi.

You can contact me at daily.dose.of.mama (at) gmail.com.

THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS COPYRIGHT PROTECTED.

As an editor, I deal with people on a regular basis who think images or content on the internet (whether it does or does not have a copyright designation) are "fair use." Your lesson for the day is that anything someone writes or creates that is published on the internet is copyright protected, whether he or she spells it out or not. Although I doubt anyone wants to steal my riveting posts on toddler poop, it doesn't hurt to educate the world about the wonderful magic of online copyright law.