Peaceful Birth Day to Her

I once heard a woman who was adopted as an infant say that her birthday was the worst day of the year because it was the day of her most profound loss...that of her first mother. I admit, since then, each of my sons' birthdays comes with this secret melancholy as I think about the woman half a world away who is undoubtedly in pain. I don't plan to pass this mournful outlook on to my kids, but I subtly acknowledge their loss by placing two flowers (one for their mother and one for their father) in the undon vase we purchased for them and saying a prayer for peace in the hearts of their first parents. And then I fill the house with balloons and cake and presents and fun things and celebrate the heck out of my amazing boys and their new year.

And I hide myself away and blog a letter to the woman who I will always share the name "mamma" with. Because I can't help but think of how her heart must twist to wake up and relive in perhaps painful and beautiful detail how the sweet baby she grew and protected and loved inside her for 9 months entered the world. How she must cling to that first glimpse of him. And the last glimpse. What she might have whispered to him. Her pain and love must have been so intense that day, and it makes me so sad for her.

To her, on this second of many birthdays, I wish for peace. I wish for her to know, either through our letters or just by some feeling, that her big star is loved by so many people and is happy and healthy and adorable. I want her to know that I think her legacy lives on in him. I know enough about her to see what I can only assume is a strong similarity in both physical and personality traits. I want her to know she is loved by us and by her son. The world is a big place, but hearts are bigger, and she is always going to be in ours, whether he turns 2 years old, or 20.

And I want her to know he will always be hers. He's mine, too, but her role as his mother doesn't diminish because of mine. I want her to be able to celebrate his life, if she can. I want her to feel like she has a right to observe this day. And maybe she does, but if she doesn't my wish for her is that clarity someday.

Two years ago she gave birth to an amazing child who has already changed the lives of many people and is destined to be a big star in some way. I wish for her a peaceful day surrounded by those who love her. It's as much an anniversary for her as it is for our son.

I don't want to say thank you because everything she did was for her son, not for me. So instead I will simply say that I honor her and will always respect her role in our son's life.