Daily Dose of Mama: To My Little Bug on the Eve of Everything Changing

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

To My Little Bug on the Eve of Everything Changing

Tonight is our last night of normal. Tomorrow begins a period in our lives that won't be normal, but will eventually usher in a new normal. That normal looks similar to our normal now, but it will never be the same.

But tonight I want to focus on our normal. The normal that has me sitting in your dark bedroom as you peer at me through the faint light of your nightlight while drifting off to sleep. The normal that is running hugs and rough play and cuddles while watching your favorite parts of your favorite shows. The normal that is spur of the moment Mommy/Son dates where we spend the whole dinner talking to each other about whatever you want to talk about (usually some form of moving vehicle). The normal that is your favorite books every single night and wagon rides. The normal that is the pitter patter of your feet each night and your delight at shower time.

Normal right now is devoting every ounce of myself into you. Your therapy dictates my schedule. Your needs dictate everything that is in our home. Your triumphs are the biggest high I experience. You are the king of my life, and your rule is absolute. You need it; you got it. (And let's be honest, you want it; you've usually got it, too.)

It's going to be weird for a while, this new normal. The one where I need to balance the needs of someone else with yours. I'm not scared that I won't be able to do it, but I think it's going to take some getting used to for you and I...this balancing act. Your rule over my heart isn't being reduced, but rather, my heart is impossibly expanding. And I get it; until you are a parent, that feeling simply can't be understood. I hate saying that, but it's true. So trust me when I say, you're still my #1 boy.

And as much as we will love your little brother and our new normal, there is a part of me that sighed tonight as I kissed your sleeping shoulder. Because, my sweet oldest son, I have loved our normal so very, very much, and I am sad to see such a beautiful chapter in our lives close.

Love, Mama

8 comments:

everythingismeowsomeApril 5, 2011 at 7:17 AM
the new normal will take time, but it will eventually be oh-so-sweet.
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Christine @ 12,450miles April 5, 2011 at 8:45 AM
This is beautiful, just beautiful.
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kellyApril 5, 2011 at 9:50 AM
Damn you for making me cry this morning! Grrr!!!!
Yup, beautifully said as usual.
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meApril 5, 2011 at 12:00 PM
AH, I can't even swallow all that's happening in the next few days, Cori! Eee! Excited and anxious for you at once.
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KaraApril 5, 2011 at 1:13 PM
Crap! I shouldn't have opened this in the middle of a meeting, b/c now everyone wants to know why I'm crying. This is such a beautiful and accurate picture of what every parent of two children feels. But you are right about your heart expanding...it's truly a miracle.
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KatieApril 5, 2011 at 9:41 PM
Nicely written Cori. I think Little Big will really treasure this post someday.
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Annie BApril 5, 2011 at 10:16 PM
So true. It's rough, but you'll get there. I know it's been a loooong wait, but living in the present is a real skill, and you are so wise to savor every minute of it.
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GraceApril 6, 2011 at 8:52 PM
so beautiful...
so excited for you as you start this new normal...and praying the transition goes smoothly for all!
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Thanks for your daily dose of you....

Everyday Mama

I'm a 32-year-old everyday mama. My husband (Appa) and I adopted our first son Little Bug (at 10 months old) from Korea in September 2008. We adopted our second son, Little Bro, from Korea in April 2011 at age 21 months. We adopted our third son,Little Moon, at age 3 in November 2013. I've wanted to be a mama for a long time, but I'm still trying to figure out the reality of it all and take time to enjoy the delicate beauty of the highs and the lows.

I worked full time as an editor, which I loved; but I made the bittersweet decision to stay home with my children after Little Bro came home. I'm now clumsily finding my footing in a new world of housekeeping, menu planning, budgeting, cooking, cleaning, and rainy-day activities, as well as navigating the world of IEPs, parent advocacy, and special needs education (spoiler: I suck at house work). My husband is hot and smart and quiet and loyal, and I think (know) my sons are the cutest, happiest little boys in the world.

I also struggle at times with mild depression, anxiety, post-adoption depression, my husband's constant absence due to his stressful and super time-consuming job, the challenges of helping my older son with his sometimes exhausting special needs, and our transition to a family of three little boys with just 19 and 14 months between them. I worry way too much about what people think of me, hate talking on the phone, and I am trying to trust myself more.

Oh yeah, I'm unable to give birth to children; love books, writing, traveling, and the color brown; hate to clean, cook, craft, or do laundry; allergic to pretty much everything but food (thank God); and think camping in anything but a tent is lame.

I needed somewhere to drop my daily mama thoughts and musings on toddler poop to avoid massive clutter and ramblings on our private family blog. Writing it down on paper is so '90s.

This is my everyday "blournal" as I navigate through my life as a first-time (or is it third-time now?) mama and long-time me. So....hi.

You can contact me at daily.dose.of.mama (at) gmail.com.

THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS COPYRIGHT PROTECTED.

As an editor, I deal with people on a regular basis who think images or content on the internet (whether it does or does not have a copyright designation) are "fair use." Your lesson for the day is that anything someone writes or creates that is published on the internet is copyright protected, whether he or she spells it out or not. Although I doubt anyone wants to steal my riveting posts on toddler poop, it doesn't hurt to educate the world about the wonderful magic of online copyright law.